Take That, Death! This Pill Might Let You Live 50 Percent Longer.

Getty Image / Temple Hill Entertainment

There are several important reasons why I spent the better part of the morning photoshopping Wilford Brimley’s face onto a sexy vampire’s body.

1. Because this should exist.

2. Because it will also be used in groundbreaking and erotically haunting fan fiction that cannot be discussed further due to pending litigation from Stephanie Meyer, Temple Hill Entertainment, and the Brimley estate.

And (arguably) most importantly:

3. A diabetes medication may soon let Wilfred and other (lesser) humans live as long as vampires.

Metformin, a drug designed to regulate blood sugar levels in diabetics, appears to have an amazing side effect: it prolongs life. For years, scientists have studied the life-prolonging effects of metformin, from a Belgian study that proved the drug extended the lives of roundworms, as well as a British study that showed a 20 percent increase in mice lifespans after metformin treatment.

Now, the United States Food and Drug Administration has approved human trials of the anti-aging drug.

As reported by The Telegraph [this is a British newspaper, so “aging” is hilariously misspelled throughout]:

The new clinical trial called Targeting Aging with Metformin, or TAME, is scheduled to begin in the US next winter…Outlining the new study on the National Geographic documentary Breakthrough: The Age of Ageing, Dr. Jay Olshansky, of the University of Illinois Chicago, said: “If we can slow ageing in humans, even by just a little bit it would be monumental. People could be older, and feel young…This would be the most important medical intervention in the modern era, an ability to slow ageing.”

To put the potential of metformin in perspective (and if early tests on animals can be reproduced in humans), “[human] lifespan could increase by nearly 50 percent” [a person with an expected lifespan of 70, would live to be 105, etc.]. Best of all, metformin is a very affordable medication (costing only 15 cents a day), so this treatment would be available to virtually everyone.

We will not know the full extent of metformin’s anti-aging capabilities until the trial is completed, but in the meantime, we can only imagine what this increased lifespan might mean for mankind:

More time to spend with our loved ones.

More time to enjoy the precious gift of life.

And (arguably) most importantly:

More time to find cats who look like Wilford Brimley.