There’s a special kind of cringe that happens when you witness someone behaving badly on Facebook. Your friends on the site are usually people that you know and love in real life, but the weirdness that comes out online can still be a shock to the system. Sometimes, for the sake of your sanity and the relationship, it’s best to hide certain offenders from your timeline.
Unfortunately, the worst FB-cringe creators are people you can’t really get away with hiding: Moms. These women are heroes — they gave birth to us, raised us, and dealt with all our sh*t over the years. By rights, they should be sainted. However, what’s endearing IRL is often embarrassing online. Particularly when moms try to adopt the “new, hip lingo” or spread a meme (if it’s on Facebook, it’s already dead). Moms are too busy to stay on top of stuff like that, so let’s help them realize that they don’t have to.
No, really, moms…please don’t. We love you, but you must be stopped because these behaviors are too embarrassing.
Netflix and Chill
This seems innocuous enough. Who doesn’t like to kick back with a glass of wine and episodes of The Good Wife? Except that “Netflix and chill” isn’t that. Not even close. Unless your mom is DTF (shiver), they shouldn’t be a part of a Netflix and Chill conversation. Listen, whatever Mom and Dad (or New Dad) get up to behind closed doors is their business. But if they inadvertently advertise it all over the place, it will only lead to a dreaded Dad Joke, leading to our actual deaths from embarrassment. It’s either a terrible misunderstanding or a gross overshare, so either way, no.
Acronyms of Any Kind
Try as they might, moms usually misunderstand popular text acronyms. Most people over the age of 18 are likely to get them wrong, but moms have an uncanny knack to make this text shorthand sweeter than it was ever intended to be. The most frequent offender is the misunderstanding that the ever present “lol” means “lots of love” instead of “laughing out loud.” While this doesn’t seem like the worst of changes, things can get very awkward when offering condolences.
Honestly, the only safe one is #tbt, because who has more amazing old pictures than moms? We want to see your old clothes, big hair, and family photos, not that Patrick Dempsey is your #mcm (Man Crush Monday) yet again. We get it. They’re not over McDreamy’s death. He is their Red Wedding. Hashtags on Facebook don’t have the same heft as they do on Twitter anyway, so it’s probably best to avoid them all together.
On Fleek or Similar New Slang
Here’s the thing: according to a Pew Study from 2014, 65 percent of adults 50-64 and 49 percent of people 65+ are Facebook users. So, essentially, when your Mom logs on to Facebook, she is with her peers. There is no use trying to master internet speak when your friends and neighbors aren’t in the know either. Instead of trying to force something that looks and feels so unnatural, just talk like you do in your day to day life. It’ll be better for all of us.
Ranty Political Posts
Listen, whether your mom thinks Bernie Sanders is the savior of the American people or that Trump can make America great again, there is a good chance that Facebook has heard about it. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but the all caps rant rife with misspellings is something that no one should have to witness from their mother.
Can someone please explain this trend? Who decided that slapping out of context quotes on pictures of Minions should become a thing? Can we make it stop? The Minions were fun as side characters from Despicable Me, but they have since become ever-present hell beasts that haunt our every step. Share all of the inspirational quotes that you can dig up on Pinterest, but keep those confounding yellow monsters away from them.
Friending Your Friends
Look, you probably don’t call your mom enough. You have your own life, sure, but would it kill you to call once in a while? In order to gather the suitable information about your whereabouts, moms have a tendency to stalk. Deeply. If your own sharing habits are insufficient, many moms take the next step and friend request your friends. Yes, this is drastic, but you probably forced her into it.
This one is on you, embarrassed person. Call your mother!
Truly Awful Baby Pictures
The Throwback Thursday picture is a fine line. Sure, everyone should know how adorable you were as a kid, but one wrong picture can destroy the carefully curated image that you’ve cultivated online (ugh, that is a horribly douchetastic thing to write). STILL, your brand is important, and any childhood nudity or other various and sundry horrors have no place on Facebook. Save it for the family reunion where you can run damage control in person.