This past week has been a regular fight club. We’ve had Ronda Rousey own the octagon; while we’ve also had Drake and Meek Mill go at it hard. Bottom line: It’s been a bloody week. So, we of course want to tap into some of the epic fights (and non-fights) our staff has been in before we turn the microphone to you…
Stacey Ritzen
So this happened years and years ago when I was a senior in college. One night my housemate Nicole and I were bored, so we beer bonged a bunch of St. Ides Special Brew and went wandering around our small college town with her video camera to see what stupid trouble we could get into. My sister, who was a freshman at the same school at the time, eventually joined us and when the evening ended up fizzling we walked her back to her dorm.
After dropping her off, one of us noticed a small Creed poster in the window of one of the dorms and proceeded to videotape ourselves very loudly making fun of said poster. Unfortunately the inhabitant of the dorm room was a very pissed-off no-shirt mesh-shorts-wearing bro, who chased us out to a big grassy common area. There was a lot of yelling and some shoving and Nicole spit on him and eventually campus police showed up. We all got nailed with disorderly conduct and Nicole got slapped with harassment on top of everything since she was holding the camera.
The police confiscated our tape and eventually we had to review it with them to get it back, which included all of our horribly embarrassing antics of the night, including Nicole actually recording herself on the toilet with commentary about how she was suffering the effects of eating potato chips with olestra. We also had to write a formal apology note to avoid getting kicked out of school, in which we told Mesh Shorts (as he came to be known) that we would welcome him “with arms wide open” should we ever meet again.
Andy Isaac
I bounced at a bar in college. I have so many stupid, goddamn stories, most of which involve wildly thrown haymakers and gross, yet highly amusing wardrobe malfunctions from drunken idiots.
But this one? This one tops them all.
A friend of a friend came into my bar. She was beyond drunk. If I had to guess, I’d say her blood alcohol level was in the 0.3 range. Like, I’m not sure how she was putting one foot in front of the other. The fact she was able to talk and walk at the same time was a medical mystery.
Anyway, she comes stumbling in and the manager tells her to “walk right out” because “we can’t serve her.” She looks at him for about five seconds, then pops him right in the face. Like, drops him to the ground. Totally unprovoked.
I didn’t know what to do. If we held her there, she’d go to jail, probably spend the night in the drunk tank, maybe get charged with assault. So while my manager was on the ground bleeding from his nose, I physically picked her up and carried her out. At this point I was laughing my ass off at the whole situation and at the same time, struggling to take this crazy woman out of the bar while she kicked her legs. As we got to the door I thought I had a good handle on the situation.
I was wrong.
She used the door as leverage with her foot and pushed back just as I was getting into the street. We both tumbled to the ground and her rather rotund ass landed on my chest. It f*ckin hurt — I felt a searing pain in my right rib. She ran away and I laid there on the ground, barely able to catch my breath.
So, just to review, a drunk woman with a BAC of like 0.3 got the best of two sober men in a fight. Eat your heart out, Ronda Rousey.
Andrew Roberts
I once saw a kid attempt to give a stone-cold stunner mid-fight in high school. He acted like it was going to be the end, but the guy on the receiving end just bounced back and continued trying to shove his hands up his butt or something (I think we all know the pointlessness of schoolyard fights).
Later witnessed this same kid getting speared full on while waiting for the bus. He openly wept on the sidewalk. Now he spends his time in prison (not a joke).
Chloe Schildhause
In the fourth grade there was the girl in my class named Mia. She wore pens in her hair and had an evil aura. One day on the playground we were playing a game where you throw a ball at a wall. At one point Mia begins tugging at my arm to prevent me from hitting the ball, as some sort of win tactic on her part. She was pulling at my skin and I couldn’t handle the pain. To defend myself I scratched at her till she started to bleed. I was sent to the principle’s office where the authority figures remarked on how deep her wounds were. I was in tears because I’m a true mensch and it was self defense! The principle forced me to call her mother to apologize. I called and said, “Hello. I made your daughter bleed.” The mom said, “OK. Um…can I speak with Mia?”
Mark Shrayber
When I was in eighth grade, I got into a fight with a girl named Monique who was very tough and also everyone was afraid of (so it wasn’t just me). One day, Monique stole the carefully made clay tamagotchi I’d made for art class and then kicked me really hard encouraging a young man with intellectual disabilities and a very strange love for Carmen San Diego to join in (which he happily did). I ran across the yard screaming as Monique chased after me screaming “come back here, motherf*cker.”
When she caught up to me, I did the only thing I could think of: I grabbed her leg when she tried to kick me, twisted it, and then watched, mesmerized, as it worked and Monique fell to the ground (swearing at me the entire time). Then, instead of sitting on her chest and declaring victory or something, I got a better hold of her leg, grabbed the other one, and dragged Monique across the yard to the principal’s office so I could tell on her.
She got suspended. We were friends after that.
Josh Kurp
I have never been in a fight.
That should be the most embarrassing confession in this post, but no, it gets worse. One time in middle school, a friend and I were being typically insufferable fifth-graders, calling each other names, picking at insecurities, and so on. I threw a piece of notebook paper at him in the hallway, except it missed and hit some monster in the eighth grade. He grabbed my shirt, took me into the bathroom, and came THIS CLOSE to giving me a swirly before remembering he wasn’t a villain in an ’80s movie. The brute let me go, but let’s just say he scared me so much, it’s a good thing I was already in the bathroom…
OK, it’s your turn. Give us the full “1-2 punch” of the most embarrassing fight you’ve ever been in.
And… go.
