A Very Important Review Of Taco Bell’s New Cap’n Crunch Bites

Once Taco Bell’s latest culinary masterpiece, Cap’n Crunch Delights, was available everywhere, we at Uproxx knew that we immediately had to send two staffers to try them. It’s the American way (to taste-test fast food desserts). Would Josh and Steve regret their decision? Let’s find out!

JOSH: Before we begin, I need to take you through my buying experience. It was the post-lunch non-rush on a Wednesday afternoon; I was one of three cars in line. The actual ordering of the donut… that was a breeze, but it took a solid five minutes for me to get my bag of deep-fried Cadbury Eggs, or whatever we’re about to eat, after paying. That’s probably not a good sign?

STEVE: First of all, I feel like you got caught slipping by getting your Cap’n Crunch Bites in the drive-thru. There is something about the way the cashier looked at me when I ordered them that made me think, “Nope. I’m going to eat them here and make them be accountable.” That being said, mine took a long time, too. It’s obviously a delicate alchemy that can’t be rushed.

Did yours have a sort of pink-greyishness to them? Mine did. Which makes sense — all the crushed cereal in the world can’t hide the color of Taco Bell’s used fry oil mixing with neon pink. Also, and not to pile it on before we get to the taste, but my dusting of cereal was a little light.

JOSH: Here’s a photo.

They look like those dinosaur egg candies with a soft dusting of breadcrumbs. The Delights could have been baked 10 minutes before I bought them, or 10 weeks ago. I have no idea. Anyway, I bought the four-pack, because I’m an idiot, although a two-piece is also available for anyone who doesn’t want to inject their body with chemicals (and maybe some cereal). You had yours a few days ago. Do you remember what they tasted like/has it lingered like a hangover you can’t shake?

STEVE: So, I went with my goddaughter and her friends and we went full 12-pack. The girls immediately said that they tasted “chemical-y.” Mind you, we’d eaten Eggo Waffles for breakfast and they’d had Doritos Locos Tacos, but the Cap’n Crunch bites were singled out for the chemicals [just realizing now that I’m a horrible f*cking godfather].

In Taco Bell’s defense, the primary chemical I think the girls were recognizing was “sugar.” Those things are sweet. I do commend them for having notes of Cap’n Crunch taste in donut form. I’m actually kind of a sucker for Cap’n Crunch, but the fact that eating them tears up the roof of your mouth keeps me from overdoing it. The bites don’t have that built-in deterrent, but there are other qualities that made it easy for me to self regulate. I think you know that I’m talking about the… insides. I actually love frosting, but the consistency wasn’t right. It makes me want to use the word “viscosity” which is never a great sign in a food review.

JOSH: You ARE a horrible f*cking godfather. Does she use soda as toothpaste? I just had my first bite, and I didn’t taste sugar. It was more… butter-y than I expected. Stale butter, with a melted cream cheese filling. It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t appetizing, either. It tasted like fat. The outer shell was surprisingly soft, leading to a gooey, white center that looked inappropriate once bitten into. Let’s change the subject immediately.

STEVE: Yes, please. Subject change: I worry a little about that stale buttery taste; the cake is absorbing a lot of oil. That’s not fun to think about either…

Here’s the kicker, though: Between me and three kids, we ate all 12 of them. In minutes. We complained, we made jokes, we grimaced, and then, all of a sudden, they were gone.

JOSH: Me, too. I had three, my wife had one, and we both went on our way. (Actually, her exact words were, “It’s gross, but it’s mega popular on Instagram because people keep liking my photo.”) Like most Taco Bell food, it’s probably great at 2 a.m., when you’re drunk, and In-N-Out is closed, and there’s nothing to eat at home, and you’re going to hate yourself tomorrow. But when it’s, as mentioned, 2 p.m. on a Wednesday, and you’re not drunk, and In-N-Out is open, and there’s something to eat at home, and, well, I always hate myself tomorrow… where was I?

Oh yeah. In conclusion, they’re fine as a shameful treat. You can find better versions of the donut holes elsewhere; like buying a box of Munchkins and rolling them in cereal dust, or buying fried dough from a carnival and rolling THAT in cereal dust, which is exactly what I’m going to do now.

After never thinking about the creamy center again.

STEVE: Never. Never ever. Now, last question: Are they available for delivery?