There comes a time in your life when you realize that something is missing. There is a hole in your heart that only a fuzzy friend can fill. While cats and their aloof nonsense are all well and good for some, there’s nothing like the constant companionship of a dog. It seems like a new story pops up every day to prove that dogs are too pure and wonderful for this world. The title of “man’s best friend” could not be more apt, even if they crap on the carpet and eat your shoes. There is something about that fuzzy face that just gets you.
At some point — between that first day you picked them up, to this morning when you woke up with paws in your face — you’ve learned a couple of things about what it takes to be a dog owner. Do these sound familiar?
You talk about them like they’re your children.
After a while, you will tell everyone you meet about what new trick they learned, their new favorite treat, or that new training method that you read about online. It’s fine. Lean into it. But maybe try to keep this one in check unless you’re with fellow dog owners. They’re the only ones who will understand and not roll their eyes or fiddle with their phones as you prattle on. They just don’t understand how Barkly totally crushed his new “play dead” trick.
They take over your social media presence.
Listen, anyone who doesn’t think that Facebook would be a much better place if there were more dog photos and less political opinions is a total liar and an absolute monster. While people might not always love hearing about your dog, they’ll probably be into some pictures. Which is good, because your dog will probably become the new star of your Instagram. Still beats selfies and pictures of your lunch.
You wish that you could text them when you’re away.
This isn’t as crazy as it sounds. Sometimes, even if you’re just at work, you’ll probably wish that you could check in with your pooch. Whenever you leave them, dogs usually act like you’re going off to war and that they’ll never see you again. It would certainly ease your mind if you could let them know that that wasn’t the case. Ok, this one might be a little crazy.
Crazier still: maybe they want to text you, too.
They will destroy your things, and theirs too.
As much as you love your dog, there will come a time when they will destroy something you love. Whether it’s your cute new pair of shoes, your nice carpets, or any power cord that gets in their way, it will die a slow and painful death. You’ll be mad, of course, but your anger won’t last. They’re the reason that you can’t have nice things, but it’s best to just accept it.
They may sometimes be terrible roommates, but they’re awfully cute. Feels like a fair trade.
You will make excuses for their bad behavior and blame others instead.
Speaking of dogs behaving badly, no one can ever call your dog out but you. Even if they are clearly in the wrong, you’ll bend over backward to excuse their behavior. Rufus barking late into the night? He’s just expressing himself! Petunia nip at your fingers? Well, you shouldn’t have hands, buddy.
You being frustrated is fine, but don’t publicly shame them, that’s for jerks.
You will talk to them like they’re tiny people.
While you’ll probably start out treating your dog like, well, a dog, your interactions will definitely morph into something a little different. Pretty soon, you’ll be speaking to them in full sentences and expecting them to understand. And sometimes you’ll swear that they get it. This is only troublesome when you start thinking that they’re actually responding. At that point, you should probably go talk to some actual humans.
You’ve never seen any creature as excited as a dog who sees their leash.
While many may argue that a kid on Christmas morning is the ultimate metric for judging excitement, they’re wrong. That is just one morning out of the year. Your dog will muster up atomic levels of energy every single time they see their leash. It doesn’t matter if it’s the fifth time that day. They’ll be winding up for the parade. It’s charming as hell.
You will give in to their begging.
Begging is a terrible habit for a dog; every single dog owner will admit to this. However, when you’re finishing off that burger and Buddy looks at you with those round, wet eyes, you’ll be defenseless against it. You’ll slip them a piece, the endless cycle will perpetuate forever, and then you’ll have to feign ignorance when your vet fat-shames your dog.
Our opinion: Don’t stress. A dog’s highest ambition is to be a dog, let them be dogs.
They have absolutely no sense of personal space.
Even the biggest dog will turn into a lap dog when given the opportunity. You can try to maintain boundaries, but dogs are natural snugglers, so it’s likely that they will be plastered to your side more often than not. Long gone are the days when you could pee in peace. You’ve got a brand new shadow.
They will love you unconditionally.
Even on your worst and ugliest days, your dog will still love you. If you come home from work in an utterly foul mood, your dog won’t care. They’ll still think that you hung the moon. “Be the person your dog thinks you are,” is one of the corniest adages ever cross-stitched onto a pillow…but it’s kind of true, too. There are worse aspirations to have.
