Top Chef Power Rankings, Week 10: Frankenbrunch And Silly Hats

We were down to six chefs at the beginning of this week’s Top Chef, but rather than savor to the last drop the few that are left, the show made like one of my (many) lovers and just tried to get things over with as quickly as possible. A double elimination episode! I’m not trying to brag, but the sixth-ranked chef in last week’s rankings was the first to go. Hey, I never said this was hard.

The first challenge involved a trip on a real-life shrimpin’ boat, which disappointingly didn’t involve Casey confusing the Surgeon General for a boat captain this time. What? I just assumed because of the little hat. Instead, the drama was all about Shirley’s motion sickness and Brooke’s “phobia” of vomit. Hmm, you know, Brooke, I’m not sure avoiding a gross thing qualifies as a “phobia.” Hey, come back, stop being so turdophobic! I was born this way! Also, it just me, or are the producers trying to squeeze an incredible amount of drama from the idea of boats this season? It’s just a boat, man. Perfectly cromulent manner of conveyance.

Anyway, the contestants, our poor dunking booth clowns, went straight from the “stew room” after last week’s episode to the boat for an immediate elimination (if the editing was to be believed). Harsh, man.

After that, the show welcomed guest judge Dominique Ansel, inventor of the cronut (that’s the cross between a potato croquette and a coconut that’s taking the New York art world by storm). He was there to judge a challenge that was all about trying to invent “creative combinations” for a brunch dish. Which was held, for some reason, on silly hat day. Frankenbrunch and Silly Hats! How was the episode not named that?

Anyway, I think the challenge was supposed to test the ability to combine sweet and savory (you know, like brunch), but instead, half the contestants took it as an opportunity to combine fish with eggs. Gross, guys. Additionally, the word “creativity” was thrown around until it lost all meaning, and as Bangles, unlikely voice of reason though he may be, pointed out, creativity is rarely achieved by telling someone “be creative!” Thus, no one came close to inventing the next cronut. As Brooke said, the cronut wasn’t built in a day. It was through trial, error, and staggering loss of life.

POWER RANKINGS

One. (+1) Sheldon Simeon, AKA Shel Chillverstein, aka Keanu, aka Hopalong

This week was tough to rank at the top, but I think Shel Chill did just enough to make the move from his perennial number two spot into number one. In the shrimp challenge, he took inspiration from a dish he cooked in Alaska during his original run on Top Chef in season 10. As noted by Brooke during prep. “That’s what you cooked in Alaska!”

That was a full four years ago, by the way. That Brooke remembers a specific dish someone else cooked from four years ago explains a lot about why she’s this season’s perennial front runner. Also of note: Sheldon has been wearing that red Steve Zissou beanie for four years. Hey, why not, brah? Looks good.

In any case, Sheldon plagiarized himself, but was rewarded for it. This would become foreshadowing.


I’m guessing this wasn’t only the second time Shel Chill smoked some trees, heyo


After that, he was the only one confident about his frankenbrunch dish, Korean fried chicken cooked in a waffle iron, topped with waffle crumble, which everyone seemed to love (pro tip: everyone loves fried chicken). As such, the confusion and disappointment was visible on his face for almost a whole split second before he went back to being a rosie-cheeked Hawaiian Santa Claus again after Shirley won instead of him. Presumably because fried chicken with waffle crumble on top ain’t exactly a Frankenfood. Ho hum. Details, brah.

Anyway, Sheldon finishes this week number one in our hearts.

2. (-1) Brooke Williamson, AKA Biscuits, aka The Girl With The Radish Tattoo

Brooke was tough to rank this week. She started off the week narrowly losing the quickfire to Sheldon with her clarified butter made from shrimp heads. But then during the elimination challenge, she rightly pointed out that she made a creative, surprising, hybrid brunch dish just last week — her olive oil-poached egg yolks inside a crepe with crunchy prosciutto on top. Christ, woman, did you learn nothing from Sheldon? It’s not self-plagiarism if it’s delicious!

Forced to improvise, Brooke instead attempted to make some kind of yogurt parfait muffin with, like, hibiscus broth inside or some shit? It was at least as much of a disaster as it sounded, when the plan didn’t work out at all and instead she ended up with yogurt cow patties in hibiscus blood (my description).

If it had been up to Padma, Brooke would’ve been burned at the stake, but instead she just managed to not go home. They claim to be judging these things based only on the most recent dish, but I don’t believe it. Brooke would’ve gone home. Anyway, I left her at number two because let’s face it, she kind of got hosed on this challenge.

3. (+2) Shirley Chung, AKA Bowl of Hug, aka Hotpot, aka Peppercorn

Hotpot opened this week’s episode doped to the gills on Dramamine on account of she’s apparently deathly motion sick on boats. She complained about being foggy headed for half the episode. I’d love to make fun, but it takes such an amount of coffee before I can even write a word that with half a Benedryl I could probably nap inside a cement mixer.

Shirley ended up making some kind of stir fry deal when everyone else made broth, which she despaired over, noticing everyone else’s colorful dish, and then looking down at her own “pile of dark things.” Haha, “pile of dark things.” What is this, my Google search history? (*raucous laughter, pantomimes golf swing, chases sexy co-host around a table*)

That put her in a sudden death challenge against Sylva and Casey, cooking with the non-shrimp parts of the morning’s shrimp catch. Sylva cooked redfish and Casey and Shirley both made calamari. Shirley’s calamari won out, dramamine be damned. Foggy Morning Drowsy Squid, I like to imagine it was called.

In the elimination challenge, Shirley stuck a cheeseburger inside a potsticker. Which isn’t exactly brunch, but at least fulfilled the Frankenfood requirement. Was it… creative? I guess if you call combining two existing things creative. Kudos to Shirley for surmising the true meaning of “be creative.” ie, “do a thing like the thing we told you.”

That being said, who doesn’t like a dumpling? A better idea would’ve been a shrimp and French toast dumpling over grits with an over-easy egg on top, but oh well, missed opportunity.

4. (even) John Tesar, AKA Bangles, aka Steve Douchemi

The Bangles Tolerability Index was up an astounding 40 points this week, with John being the unlikely voice of reason in the “creativity” discussion and not openly feuding with anyone or waxing on about astrology or his many “demons.” So many demons! Oh no, it’s a douche devil, exorcise it!

In the shrimp round, Bangles made a “seafood salad in the style of ceviche,” correctly anticipating the knocks the judges might have on him for just calling something a ceviche when the shrimp was, in fact, cooked — the sticklers for nomenclature they are. He made sure to make it a-spicy too, knowing that a-Padma like-a the spice. Padma physically recoiled at the heat of it, asking whether John “meant to make it this hot,” to which John replied “yep, sure did.”

That usually backfires, a la “I stand by my dish,” because generally when the judges are asking why you did something a certain way it means they hate the dish. “Tell us, Bill, because we were wondering… what the f*ck is your problem, idiot?”

This time though, it seemed to work out fine, landing Bangles neither in the top three nor the bottom three. That Padma, she enjoys blindfolds and being punched in the mouth by her food. My kinda lady.

But then there was the elimination challenge, in which John cooked the unimaginably revolting-sounding “octopus hash and kim chi scramble with chorizo hollandaise.”

Eggs, octopus, kim chi, and hollaindaise? Madre de dios, that sounds like a crime against humanity. John shouldn’t just have gone home, he should’ve been tried at Nuremberg. But… I was just filling orders, sir.


5. (-3) ((eliminated)) Sylva Senat, AKA Fishbone

Alas, poor Fishbone. Sylva opened this episode as the last rookie standing, feeling like he’d finally turned a corner since his restaurant burned down and his hair fell out and he lost his sweet dreads (*pours out hash oil infused vape juice in memory of Fishbone’s sweet dreads*). But he may have just been outmatched. After finishing in the bottom three in the shrimp challenge and barely edging out Casey in the head-to-head elimination, Sylva tried to cook a fritatta with a fish surprise in the elimination challenge but ended up getting buttf*cked by bad ovenry. With the oven not cooking the eggs in time he had to cook them on the stove, ending up with a scramble instead of a fritatta.

Remember what I said about the judges being sticklers for nomenclature? Scrambled fritatta? Tom was aghast. AGHAST, I say, like a viscount being presented a doo-doo covered cravat. This was obviously unforgivable, and Sylva went home. Which was harsh, but at the same time, the last thing I want with my fritatta is a fishy surprise, that’s f*cking gross.


6. (even) ((Eliminated)) Casey Thompson, AKA Nerd Alert, aka Texas

My poor beloved Nerd Alert. She opened this week in pump up mode, trying to psyche herself up too cook the shit outta some food. They want bold flavors? I’ll give them bold goddamn flavors. I’ll give them flavors so god damned bold they’ll shit their guts out and I’ll use the guts to grease the bottoms of my non-stick pans! Ooh rah!

Unfortunately, Casey was forgetting one of the cardinal rules of Top Chef: never give the judges exactly what they said they wanted in the previous round. She did, and it cost her. That put her in a head-to-head competition with Sylva and Shirley, and when she and Shirley both cooked calamari, Casey’s calamari got edged out. Bumped off. Played second squiddle.

And so it was our favorite Texas dork-utante had to get on down that dusty trail. It would’ve been fitting if she’d left sitting in the backseat of a T-bird convertible carrying her slowly along as she give stiff-wristed waves to throngs of admirers, but alas…

In any case, everyone was sad. Who’s going to win Last Chance Kitchen? My money’s on Jim or Sylva. I haven’t watched it but I’m sure they’ll tell us.

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