Consider this true story: One day, many years ago, a young man was golfing by himself in a small Northern California town. Neither the boy nor the town were especially remarkable, and the golf course had more dead grass and living rattlesnakes than any golf course ought to have. But something happened on that day that would change the young man’s life forever. Because on that day, he confronted one of the most aggressive, territorial, and dickish creatures in creation: The Meleagris gallopavo.
That doesn’t directly translate into “winged asshole,” though it really should. It is the scientific name for the common wild turkey — popular filling for sandwiches, mascot for drunks, and subject of countless finger outline drawings.
As the young man walked onto the putting green on the 11th hole, he saw the turkey. He thought of those finger outline drawings and happy Thanksgiving dinners. He considered it funny — cute, even — that the large bird was strutting around the pin.
Then it became much less cute.
Because moments later, that same turkey was chasing our hero around the putting green. And after the fifth lap, as the gobbles and flaps drew nearer, the young man was forced to answer a question that no boy should ever have to confront: kill or be killed?
By the ninth lap, he had his answer. With doom drawing close, the young man unsheathed his Ping putter from his golf bag mid-stride, spun around, and struck the 20 pounds of beak, claw, and aggression.
In that moment, a boy lost his innocence.
In that moment, he stared into the beady eyes of the savage beast, and saw only his own beastly wildness reflected.
In that moment, he ruined a perfectly good putter.
But after the feathers had settled and the teenagers who worked at the golf course gathered the carcass (which they later cooked over a trashcan fire behind the caddy shack, wasting nothing), the boy/now man came to an important conclusion that he has carried with him to this very day: Turkeys are assholes.
With the holidays approaching, it is important that we all remember this lesson. When we sit down to enjoy our Thanksgiving feasts, we must not feel sorrow for the fallen bird, but rather joy that we have neutralized one of mankind’s most brutal enemies.
For those fair readers still in need of extra convincing, here are seven videos that prove turkeys are jerks which deserve to be consumed with cranberry sauce and a side of stuffing:
“I can’t throw my camera at him.”
“Get the f*ck outta here!”
Note: This turkey out-aggros a guy from Long Island. Just think about that for a minute.
“Open up my car door, man!”
“Do I get arrested if I kill him?”
El Pavo Diablo
“Give him a card!”
… And yes, turkeys are even more aggressive than law enforcement:
F*ck the Police.