UPROXX Staff Resolutions: Eat More, Read Often, And Learn Space Karate

New Year 2016

After getting caught up in the sentimentality of new beginnings and fresh starts, it’s really easy to become the ultimate optimist and expect the best out of your future self around the turn of the new year. The Uproxx staff is no different. This year, we’re sharing our resolutions with you in the hopes that putting these self-promises out into the world will motivate us to become the shiny versions of ourselves that we hope to be in 2016.

Or, you can tease us in the comments all year for how we’ve failed.

Adding Some Color to the Wardrobe

This year I plan to abandon my system of doing laundry–buying ten black shirts a month and calling it a day–and start using the washer and dryer my husband constantly reminds me we paid for with our hard-earned money.

I also plan to spend at least one day outside a week as opposed to exiting the pillow fort that I made in my living room (it started out as a joke and, well…) only two to three times a month. Not by choice, of course, but because the lack of sunlight in my life has paled my skin and turned my limbs to the consistency of a particularly lifeless piece of spaghetti.  – Mark Shrayber

Getting A Foreign Language Nailed Down

Aside from getting my first novel finished and published, I have a couple of big resolutions for 2016. First, I would love to visit all the restaurants and bars I’ve been meaning to go to. I’m a bit of a foodie (whatever that means, really…I love food?) and I live in Las Vegas, a city abounding in excellent foodie-type options for all budgets. But mostly my husband and I just stick to our favorite cherished coffeeshop for Saturday morning visits. I’m planning on whipping up a “passport” with all our aaah, I’ve always wanted to go there! options and making an intentional effort to check off at least two or three spots each month.

My other huge bucket list item is to learn a language from start to finish. Duolingo is my favorite practice app. It’s free, and it is sometimes unintentionally hilarious (as evidenced by the Sh*t Duolingo Says Twitter account). I’ve used it to learn Spanish before a trip to Peru, and this year I got within spitting distance of the end of the Turkish course, but my heart really wasn’t in it…and neither was my brain.

This year, I’d really like to see just how well of a job Duolingo actually does at teaching a language to someone with absolutely no experience in it whatsoever, but who is committed to spending some time actually studying (as opposed to just clicking through the lessons until they’re done). Russian, here I come! – Emily Huffman

Crossing the Border (Again)

Drawing some inspiration from the handful of travel pieces I got to write for Uproxx Life this year, I’d like 2016 to be the year that I finally get around to actually leaving the country. Maybe on vacation, or perhaps running from the law, but the bottom line is that I’ve never been outside of the continental United States. Save for a 20-minute stroll I took on the Mexico side of the border back when I was working with a band that had a tour date in El Paso, TX.

That same night, after the show, the staff had invited all of us to go party with them in Juarez once they’d closed down. I wanted to go but had been outvoted, so instead we went back to the hotel and watched Children of Men on cable. Just think, had that night gone differently, maybe my resolution this year would’ve been to finally getting around to watching that dystopian sci-fi adventure starring Clive Owen.

Instead, it’s simply to get out of the country for a reasonable duration of time. – Christian Long

Changing the Narrative

My goal for 2015 was to be boring and I believe I was somewhat successful with this. For 2016 my goal is to be lonely. I want to embrace a true feeling of loneliness. When I’m alone I often do things to mask the loneliness. I read a book, I watch TV, I interact with people on my phone. What I should really be doing is staring off into the distance. I want to focus on loneliness for the same reason I chose to be boring, because these feelings often have negative connotations but really they can lead the mind to creative and weird places.

I’d also like to finally watch Ghostbusters. I’ve never seen Ghostbusters. – Chloe Schildhause

More TV, More Food

My New Year’s resolution is to watch more television. There’s just so much good television being produced these days, and I’m tired of missing out when people talk about shows I haven’t seen. Granted, that doesn’t seem like the most noble of causes, and I could just as easily spend my free time doing something more charitable, or something more healthy like going to the gym. But for 2016, I’m picking a resolution that seems a bit more realistic; something that I might actually do. Also, going to the gym sucks. People say “no pain, no gain.” But my philosophy tends to be “no pain, no pain.” Who needs pain? Pain hurts, Patrick Swayze lied to you. No pain, however, feels pretty good.

In fact, now that I think about it, I may make several resolutions. Starting this weekend, I’m going to start smoking. Maybe you should too. Are you tired of looking outside your office and seeing people on yet another 10-minute smoke break while you’re stuck inside working like a sucker? Then go out and join them and quit standing on the sidelines.

Thirdly, I’m going to eat more. I love food, and one of my favorite things to do is sit down and eat it. But this year, rather than feel guilty afterwards, I’m going to revel in it, and then go eat some more.

You’re all welcome to join me in my New Year’s resolutions. Get involved. – Brian Sharp

Focusing On the Small Things

In 2016 I’m going to do at least one push-up a day so that I can truthfully say I work out regularly on my OkCupid profile. My loftier goal is to go through all of the books on my “must read” shelf and add them to my much roomier “finished reading” shelf. This idea only came to me after reading a 150-page book in a week and reminding myself that that’s actually a thing that people still do.

Lastly, I’m going to try and overcome my (completely rational!) fear of Tim Burton movies. I still haven’t finished The Nightmare Before Christmas.– Keith Reid-Cleveland

No More Locked Doors

For the new year, I’m planning on mastering my long time hobby of lock picking. Then, as I’ve learned from playing Fallout 4, I will have free reign across the world and little will stop me.

Apart from that, I think I’m going to take up the banjo. And maybe finish that book I’ve been reading for most of 2015. – Andrew G.

Living Long Enough For A Cool Nickname

In no particular order: I want to eat right, spend more time away from technology, not die, learn how to do karate in space, be less envious and more grateful, do the tango in a hurricane, make love like nobody is watching, read more, defeat Krang, accumulate more jeweled finger rings, convince more people to watch The Wire (it’s so good, you guys), learn how to better take a punch, travel, try a Hot Toddy, make more lists, not die, get a cool nickname, ZUMBA! ­ – Jason Tabrys

Shrink Down The TBR Pile

I’ve always been a big reader, but the rhythms of adult life have kind of cut into my reading time. Still, I keep buying books out of habit (and honestly necessity), so this year, I am going to read all of the ones on my shelves that I haven’t read yet before I buy any new ones. I am probably setting myself up to fail since I am practically a regular at the local Barnes & Noble, but it’s worth a shot.

Also, I’m finally going to watch The Wire. It’s past time. – Alyssa Fikse

To Try Every Item on Taco Bell’s Menu

Like many people, I enjoy some Taco Bell every now and then, despite the repercussions it inflicts on my body 45 minutes to 1.5 hours later. Typically, I stick to a few safe items, though: the chicken quesadilla, soft tacos, and a beefy cheddar crunchwrap slider when I’m really feeling adventurous. But in 2016 I want to really live, dammit!

Going against the traditional resolutions route of attempting to better one’s body and the advice of family and medical professionals, I’m going to attempt to eat Taco Bell’s full menu in one week’s time — a month at most. (Because doing the full menu in a single day would simply be suicide.) Beefy nacho griller, fiery Doritos locos tacos supreme, sausage cheese biscuit taco — it’s all going down. – Joel Stice

To Be Present More Often

The thing that gets me about phones is that they leave us operating in this half-space. We are half present in the moment and half present with the people on the phone. I leave too many interactions worrying that I really wasn’t fully there — particularly where it concerns the small day-to-day interactions with strangers that used to have a higher potential of surprising us. Basically, like so many people in 2016, I want to balance the role of technology in my life so that I don’t miss out on the potential for fleeting moments of beauty because I was tracking a FB post.

Also, I’d like to be part of building a site that people love. I want even our harshest critics stoked on us!  -Steve Bramucci