Colbert And His ‘Spastic Colon’ Bow Out Of The GOP Presidential Race

01.24.12 2 Comments

Last night on his show, Stephen Colbert announced “with a heavy heart and a spastic colon” that he was ending his “campaign” for the Republican presidential nomination after he and Herman Cain pulled in 1% of the vote in South Carolina over the weekend — good enough for 5th place in the state.

“So, now that my exploration has come to an end, who knows what I’m going to do,” Colbert said last night. “Maybe I’ll be like Herman Cain and hit the road in a bus with my face on it.”

Meanwhile, supporters of Colbert’s super PAC received an email from Jon Stewart last night announcing that he’s not ready to hand over control of the money tree just yet.

Dear Super PAC Super People,

Hey, it’s Jon again. As you know, a while back, I took over this Super PAC so that my friend and business partner Stephen Colbert could explore possibly running for President of the United States of America of South Carolina (maybe).

Unfortunately, he never connected with voters, despite nearly a week of part-time campaigning, culminating in a massive rally at the College of Charleston.

Now, Stephen’s exploratory phase is over. And like most exploratory phases, it was strange, awkward, and ended not long after he left campus.

Today he asked me if he if he could retake control of The Definitely Not Coordinating With Stephen Colbert Super PAC. I told him, with all due respect, to go take a long walk off a short go-f%¢#-yourself.

Are you kidding me? This thing is a pile of money, sitting on top of a heap of cash, sitting on top of a mountain of moolah. And I’m going to spend it. But in a legal, responsible way. For example, I just bought a jaguar! And I’m going to buy that jaguar its own Jaguar, and teach it to drive me around!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go –- my official Super PAC Private Zeppelin is about to land and the pilot told me I have to turn off all electronic devices. Which sucks, I was about to score a bingo on Words With Friends. Oh, the H-U-M-A-N-I-T-Y!

In conclusion: I’m rich! Rich, I tell you, rich!

Jon Stewart

President For Life For Ever

The Definitely Not Coordinating With Stephen Colbert Super PAC

Naturally, not everyone has been amused by Colbert’s stunt.

“Stephen Colbert is just pathetic,” Brent Bozell wrote. “He portrays himself as a pompous Bill O’Reilly clone. The pomposity is not just an act. He’s engaged in a series of egotistical stunts to promote his own Nielsen ratings.”

It should be noted, however, that Brent Bozell is a joyless buttplug. So there you go.

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