As you may have heard, there was another mass shooting in America this morning, this time outside of the Empire State Building. Early reports suggest that the shooter — who was shot dead by NYPD officers — was someone’s disgruntled former employee who was fired from his job yesterday. At least eight people were wounded. Still, I’d be shocked if either of the presidential candidates uttered a word about America maybe having a gun problem.
With that said, just yesterday The Onion ran a piece titled “Nation Celebrates Full Week Without Deadly Mass Shooting.” The dateline on the piece is New York. It reads:
Cheers filled the streets and American flags waved triumphantly through the air today as the nation turned out in full force to celebrate an entire week having passed since the last time a madman opened fire on innocent civilians in some kind of fatal mass shooting. “We did it, folks! We banded together and managed to go seven whole days without killing our fellow Americans in a senseless murdering spree!” Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said in a speech to jubilant throngs gathered in Times Square. “Yes, some people were shot this week, but not in a random, highly public, viscerally disturbing way and—most importantly—not all in one place, by one psychopath. Maybe one day we can live in a society where abominable large-scale gun violence stays out of the national headlines for a whole month even!” At press time, federal authorities had issued a reminder to all Americans that a lot can happen in 24 hours, “so let’s not get too excited yet.”
In the wake of the ESB shooting an update has been added below the headline: “Never Mind.”