Valentine’s Day Is The Worst, So Here Are Some Celebrities To Flirt With You

Let me just go ahead and channel the cynical a-hole inside of me and get this out of the way: Valentine’s Day is horrible, a “holiday” created entirely by the American commerce machine designed to get people to spend money in February blah blah blah, not to mention make people feel bad about themselves. I’ve hated Valentine’s Day before hating Valentine’s Day was cool, way back when I was a kid forced to hand out cutesy little cards to kids. I hated some of those little twats! Why the hell should I have to give cards to ALL of them? What a bunch of horsesh*t that was.

There was this one kid named Karl I went to elementary and middle school with who stunk like a mound of rotting rats and always had thick rivers of snot running out of his nose, snot that he would sometimes wipe on other kids just because he felt like it. So he was gross AND he was a prick. It killed me to have to give that monster a card. By doing so we were just enabling him. In fact, because he faced little to no consequences for his behavior at an early age, he’s probably wandering the streets of Houma, Louisiana right now flinging snot at strangers. And it’s all Valentine’s Day’s fault!

I also loathe Valentine’s Day because of how it messes with people’s heads when they don’t have someone. Every year we hear about some lonely soul who offed themselves on a day created so florists, greeting card companies and chocolatiers could rake in cash. And, oh yeah, let’s not forget that the holiday’s namesake was actually stoned, tortured and then beheaded for performing marriage ceremonies! Jesus Christ what a sh*t sandwich Valentine’s Day is.

Anyway, via Team Coco, here’s a random assortment of flirty celebrities to make you feel better in the event you don’t have someone to shower with flowers and candy today…

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