Hey fight fans! We’ve got a big time UFC PPV this Saturday, as UFC 191 kicks off at 7PM ET, live from Las Vegas. There are eleven fun fights on the card, so let’s dive right into the predictions.
Important Standings of Note:
Jessica: 472-331-4 (59%)
Burnsy: 478-300-5 (61%)
Vince: 223-142-2 (61%)
Ryan: 10-5-1 (66%)
Danny: 161-77-1 (67%)
Spilled: 81-60-2 (57%)
Sydnie: 16-12 (57%)
Chris: 44-15-2 (74%)
NY Ric: 36-26-1 (57%)
Ghost: 6-7 (46%)
Seth: 32-15 (68%)
Biss: 41-39-1 (51%)
Jared: 96-54-1 (64%)
Melanie: 39-19 (67%)
Fake Mike Goldberg: 12-14 (46%)
Lightweight – Joaqim “Netto BJJ” Silva vs Nazareno “El Tigre” Malegarie
Jessica: I was going to laugh at Malegarie at being 30-3 overall, but 1-3 in Bellator. Then I saw his losses were to Daniel Straus, Marlon Sandro, and Rad “As Heck” Martinez. Those are all top flight dudes, so I can’t be super mad at that. I’m taking Nazareno to get a third round submission here.
Burnsy: I can’t really start my picks by denying a guy named El Tigre. That’s up there with El Diablo in terms of nicknames that are always generally awesome. Unless, of course, the dude’s a Grand Wizard or serial killer. And I’ll be devastated if we find out someday that Hitler had his people call him El Gato or something cool like that. Where was I? Oh yeah, El Tigre gets my Rad Nickname Pick of the Week.
Vince: Silva is 7-0 with all first-round stoppages, but unfortunately all but two of his opponents have losing records, so I don’t know how much that record actually means. That said, a lot of El Tigre’s opponents haven’t been that impressive either. I suppose I’ll give El Tigre the edge based on his massive experience advantage (25 fights to seven).
Goldy: Oh So Some F*ckhead From A Bellator Tournament Thinks He Can Endear Himself To Me Just Because He Was On A Season Of TUF Brazil Think Again Sh*td*ck WINNER: SILVA
Middleweight – Joe “Diesel” Riggs vs Ron “Choir Boy” Stallings
Jessica: Poor Joe Riggs. I don’t really have a prediction for this fight, other than feeling really sorry for Riggs. I guess I’ll compound the sadness and say that Stallings TKOs Riggs in the first.
Burnsy: I don’t want Riggs to fight anymore. Ever since he lost because of a neck injury, I feel like he’s going to be split in half in the octagon like a Mortal Kombat fatality. I’m worried about him, and I’m taking Stallings to win by throwing a lawnmower at him or something.
Vince: Hey, Charles Oliveira, Diesel Riggs was losing fights via strange neck injury before it was cool. This one’s tough to pick because both of these guys are theoretically pretty well-rounded and both somewhat unimpressive of late. If he can keep from getting hurt, I think Riggs has a decent shot of grinding out a decision here. Riggs.
Goldy: Joe Riggs Might Have Missed Weight Against Matt Hughes But Hes Coming Off A Big Win Against Nick Diaz And A Big Loss In The Hospital To Nick Diaz. Wait That Was 9 Years Ago When My Sh*t Wife Still Loved Me And My Son Hadnt Started To Dissapoint Me On A Daily F*cking Basis. Stallings Knocked Out Mike Massenzio. WINNER: STALLINGS
Featherweight – “Cassius” Clay Collard vs Tiago “Trator” dos Santos
Jessica: Despite the terrible nickname, Collard did make it to the third round against Max Holloway, which is no easy feat. Tiago got sparked out by El Cucuy the Lesser in the first. Collard is going to punch up dos Santos and snag a second round TKO.
Burnsy: I seriously cannot ever take Collard seriously with that nickname. I will pick against him every single time, even if he’s fighting Joe Riggs.
Melanie: Trator by Decision
Vince: I vaguely remember being impressed with Collard last time he fought, while Trator is coming off a first round KO loss. I’ll take Collard for the greens I hate myself for typing that.
Goldy: A Tractor Versus Some Collard Greens. What Do You Think Is Going To Happen Here. You Dont Exactly Have To Be Nosterdumbass Here . WINNER: Trator
Bantamweight – Jessica “Bate Estaca” Andrade vs Raquel “Rocky” Pennington
Jessica: I forgot these two had a fight last year. Uh, I’ll take Rocky to get revenge and submit Andrade late in the third round.
Burnsy: Wow, a women’s rematch that isn’t Rousey-Tate? I’ll take it! I’ll also take Andrade to repeat because it’s fun to pick against the Lobster.
Vince: Rocky is one of the most frustrating fighters to watch in the world because she seems like she has all the skills but has trouble pulling the trigger. I can’t pick her until I see some killer instinct. Andradge for the win.
Melanie: Andrade by Decision
Goldy: Look This Is A Rematch Weve All Waited A Long Ass Time For Boys. The Winner Will Probably Give Ronda An Extremely Tuff Fight. But That Being Said I Think Rocky Gets Her Win Back And Runs Up The Steps Of The Lady Bantamweight Division WINNER: PENNINGTON
Bantamweight – Francisco “Cisco” Rivera vs John “Hands of Stone” Lineker
Jessica: Oh heck yes! The Cisco Kid versus Johnny Cakes! I’m going with Lineker to put a severe hurting on Rivera, ending things with a second round KO. Also, even though this is a bantamweight fight, I’ll be cruel and say that Lineker’s first weigh-in attempt is 137.
Burnsy: I didn’t realize that Rivera is 33. Not that it makes much of a difference, but I thought he was younger. Anywho, I’m taking Lineker as the hot fighter coming off his impressive win over Uncle Creepy, and also Rivera loses points for those star tattoos that they give to Russian hitmen in every movie.
Vince: Both these guys are super good, and obviously, Lineker is coming off a huge win over Ian McCall. BUT, I think Rivera is undervalued and his loss to Faber felt flukey. Also, Lineker is giving up six inches here, which seems like a lot. I’ll take the underdog, Rivera.
Melanie: Lineker by Decision
Goldy: Hey There Do YOu LIke TO Watch Very Tiny Boys With Dynamite In Their Fists Proceed To Extremely F*ck Shit Up In An Octagon Because Thats Exactly What I Have Wet Dreams About. Lieneker Was Just A Bit Too Much Of A BeefBoy For The Flyweight Division And I Think The Cisco Kid Will Be No Friend Of Him As He Knocks His Block Off. WINNER: LINEKER
Lightweight – Ross “The Real Deal” Pearson vs Paul “The Irish Dragon” Felder
Jessica: This is a “jump up and high five someone” fight. Pearson and Felder are gonna throw HEAT at each other’s dome pieces, and while Ross has been a perfectly cromulent fighter in the past, I think he’s just past the point where his downswing and Felder’s upswing are at the same level. Felder sparks out Pearson in the second, probably with some rad spinning sh*t.
Burnsy: Felder gets my pick mainly because… USA, bro. I’m always going to pick the Yank over the Brit.
Vince: Felder showed a lot of heart trying to throw his fancy spinning sh*t against Barboza, but was outclassed. Though the fact that he made it to a decision is still a victory of sorts. Meanwhile Pearson, who’s always solid, but streaky, is coming off a loss to Evan Dunham and is a huge underdog here. He doesn’t seem like that much of a dog to me, but maybe Vegas knows something I don’t. Felder.
Melanie: Felder by Decision
Goldy: Ross Person Did Win The Ultimate Fighter England Vs The USA And He Punched Gray Maynard In His Hamburger Brain And FInished Him Off. But Paul Felder Will Spin Around And Literally Blast You Right In Your Pizza Hole Which Leaves You Taking A Nap In The Cage. And He Looks Like A Tiny Forrest Griffin F*cked A Planet Of The Ape. WINNER: FELDER
Strawweight – Paige “12 Gauge” VanZant vs Alex “Astro Girl” Chambers
Jessica: I think I liked Chambers when she was on TUF, but I’m pretty sure the sentence I’m typing right now contains more words than everything Alex said on the entire show. PVZ has the full force of the UFC Hype Train (Toot! Toot!) behind her, and unlike dudely hyped fighters, there really isn’t the female equivalent of a Matt Brown type to be the penny on the tracks that derails everything. Paige is going to out-strike the Astro Girl, but Chambers is too tough to get stopped. VanZant takes a decision.
Burnsy: For some reason, I am still not sold on 12 Gauge, probably because she has to keep doing the “I’m not just a pretty face” routine, but I thoroughly enjoy the ass-kicker that she is emerging as. I want and expect her to win with a strong performance so the bros out there stop talking about how cute she is, and start talking about how she’ll f*ck people up if they look at her wrong.
Vince: So Paige Vanzant beat Kailin Curran at 2:54 of the third round, while it took Astro Girl until 3:15 of the third to beat Kailin Curran. Telling stat. Okay, not really. Anyway, I’m not quite aboard the Vanzant hype train just yet, but I do think she’s training with a solid camp (Alpha Male) and getting better every fight. I’m not sure that’s true of Chambers. I’ll take PVZ on this one.
Melanie: Chambers by Submission (I know, I know — but I was right last time)
Goldy: Page Was Too Young OF A Lady To Be On The Ultimate Fighter, But THis Barely Legal Brawler Brings Big Skillz. She Trains With The Alpha Males Even Though Shes A Lady And That Takes Balls Boys. Alex Is Australian But The Proverbial Dingo Will Eat Her BAby In The Octagon On Saturday. WINNER: VAN ZANT
Light Heavyweight – Jan Blachowicz vs Corey “Beastin 25/8” Anderson
Jessica: This is on the PPV? Over Pearson/Felder or Lineker/Rivera? huh. Blachowicz looks like a less athletic Sami Zayn, or a more athletic El-P. Either way, he can’t withstand the pace and intensity of a man that can Beast 25 hours per day, 8 days per week. Anderson with a second round TKO.
Burnsy: Beastin 25/8 made me look foolish for picking against him because of his ridiculous nickname in his first two UFC fights, but then he was served a slice of humble pie the last time out. I think he gets back on track here as that nickname grows on me for its creativity, and also because I keep reminding myself that any nickname is better than another Spartan.
Vince: I’ll never forgive Blachowicz for beating my boy Ilir Latifi, but that’s still a huge win, so I’m taking him over Anderson. He’s gonna have to start beastin’ 26/9 after this fight.
Melanie: Blachowicz by Decision
Goldy: Corey Anderson May Have Gotten Beaten By Jon Valante But Hes Still An Ultimate Fighter. Blachowiz Is A Pole But Hes Gonna Get Knocked Into A Black Hole By The Man Whom Beats 25 Hours A Week 8 Times A Month. WINNER: ANDERSON
Light Heavyweight – Anthony “Rumble” Johnson vs Jimi “Poster Boy” Manuwa
Jessica: F*ck Rumble, always and forever. He is a tremendous piece of sh*t, and an asbolute garbage human. Sadly, I think he’s going to win, because Manuwa isn’t good enough to stop him. I’m not even getting into the MMAth logic of Gustafsson beating Manuwa, and Rumble beating Gus, which means Rumble will destroy Jimi. I’m using the logic of Manuwa’s best win being who, exactly? This is a legitimate question, who is the more impressive notch on the belt, Ryan Jimmo, Jan Blachowicz, or Cyrille Diabate? Using cold brain thinking instead of my typical heart emotions, I will predict Rumble wins with a second round KO, but I sure as sh*t won’t be happy about it.
Burnsy: Rumble will win because he’s a better fighter, but he’s a proven pitiful human being who does not belong in the UFC, so I will not pick him. I pick Manuwa.
Vince: I always liked Rumble and more and more it seems like he had me fooled. I feel like such a fool. That said, sorry, I enjoy watching him punch people, and Manuwa hasn’t face anywhere near the level of competition, seems like he’s had that “English fighter fan favorite” kid-glove matchmaking his entire career. And Rumble is a beast, and will be looking to force the UFC to keep him around despite his, er, domestic liabilities. Rumble.
Melanie: Other Johnson by TKO
Goldy: We Can All Agree That Rumble Johnson Is A Class Act. If The UFC Had A Walter Payton Award It Would Definitely Go To Rumble. But I Do Have To Question If Yanking Yoga Mats And Cutting A Dogs Ear Is The Best Training For A Fight. Nonethless I Think He Beats The Sh*t Out Of Jimmy Manure On Saturday Night And Then Probably Goes Home FOr A Quiet Evening Of Not Being A Complete Ticking Time Bomb Of Anger. WINNER: JOHNSON
Heavyweight – Frank Mir vs Andrei “The Pitbull” Arlovski
Jessica: It really is amazing given the shallow nature of the heavyweight division that these two never fought between 2001 – 2008 before Arlovski got bounced from the UFC. Arlovski is having a bit of a career resurgence, which is always nice, while Frank Mir continues to be Frank Mir. He’s got a good ground game, and a devastating jab-uppercut combo that lets him feast on the dregs of the heavyweight division, which is basically everyone outside of the top five. To Mir’s discredit, he is incapable of looking sincere and always has the smuggest f*cking look on his face. He’s also got a samurhino tattooed on his back, and his kids are called Kage and Ronin Maximus. Arlovski’s pitbull is also called Maximus, but c’mon, that’s a doggie and not a tiny human. I’m stalling for time since both guys are more than capable of beating each other and themselves through dumb-f*ckery. With that being said, I’ll take Arlovski to win by third round TKO.
Burnsy: On one hand, I’ve certainly enjoyed Arlovski’s late resurgence. On the other hand, the heavyweight division is awful. It’s just a sad dumpster filled with big men who could beat me up. Whatever, the Pitbull wins convincingly and gets a title shot. (Or he loses and the division just becomes an even sadder dumpster.)
Vince: Can we just reflect on the fact that a guy who once beat Tank Abbott is fighting a guy who once lost to Tim Sylvia? That should drive home how amazing the fact that these guys are still fighting is. To break this down, I give Arlovski the edge in speed and stand-up, and they’re probably about equal in power. Mir probably has an edge in submission skills, but him having the wrestling skills to put those into practice against Arlovski sounds like a long shot. So if we look at this as a stand-up fight, it’s essentially the quicker Arlovski with a suspect chin against a slower, but crafty Mir who does have big power on occasion. Christ, I don’t know. They’re both on epic tears. I’ll take Arlovski, because I think his Travis Browne win was bigger than Mir’s Duffee win, and because I think he has a decent chance of sticking and moving and winning a decision.
Melanie: Arlovski by TKO
Goldy: I Respect Both Of These Old Ass BeefBoys So F*cking Much. Neither Of Them Ever Left The UFC For Pride Which Means They Knew It Would Be A Waste Of Time To Fight That F*cking Fraud Fedor. Arlovski Was Kicking Fedors Ass Until He Accidentally Jumped Face First Into Fedors Fist. Mir Probably Could Have Handled Fedor Even After The Marcio Cruz And DAn Christison Motorcycle Fights. If I Have A Glock To My Head ANd Someone Else Is Holding It For Once I Take Arlovski To Get Another BigAss Knockout. Hows Taste My Pepe Boys WINNER: ARLOVSKI
Flyweight Title – Demetrious “Mighty Mouse” Johnson vs John “The Magician” Dodson
Jessica: Aaaaaahhh, this fiiiiiight, you guys! DJ is the best fighter on the planet right now. I really like little Johnny Dodson, but my concern is that if he’s lost even a fraction of a step in speed, Johnson will be way too fast for him. The other issue is if he can’t knock out DJ early, which is entirely possible, I don’t think Dodson will have the cardio to keep up with Demetrious for the entire fight. I’m picking DJ to win by decision, which is kind of me hedging my bets, since I’ll be happy with either guy being the champ, but Johnson retaining is a more likely scenario.
Burnsy: I always love seeing a title switch hands for the sake of shaking things up, but Mighty Mouse does. Not. Lose. And that sucks because I think Dodson is awesome and deserves more attention, but he ain’t getting that belt.
Vince: Sorry, y’all, I think the hardcore fans are wrong trying to convince the world that Mighty Mouse is actually super exciting to watch. He isn’t, not because he isn’t incredibly skilled, but because his main skill is being juuuuust a bit better than whoever he’s fighting. He manages to be dominant in sort of a dull way. I don’t know, I’ve never been riveted by a Demetrious fight, sorry. I know he’s an amazing fighter. I predict more slightly dull dominance here.
Melanie: Demetrious Johnson by Decision
Goldy: You Know A Demetrious Johnson Fight Is Like Communism: It Sounds Good In Theory Then It Backfires. I Paid For The Bagatinov Fight And He Nullified The Guys Offense For 5 Rounds. Then He Nullified Koji Hoiguchis Offense For 5 Rounds And 59 Seconds Until He Decided It Would Be Cool To End This SH*t. His Technique Is Impeckable And No One Can Compete With Him In The Division Other Than Dodson But Does It REally Matter? If Demetrious Johnson Wins Another 50-45 Decision After Mildly Jabbing And Ground And POunding His Opponent Does A Tree Make A Sound In THe Forest Where Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires??? Really Makes You Think BOys. WINNER: JOHNSON
Performance of the Night
Jessica: Felder, Lineker
Burnsy: Arlovski, Manuwa (please?)
Fight of the Night
Jessica: Johnson vs Dodson (Almost went with PVZ vs Astro-Girl. Almost)
Burnsy: VanZant vs Chambers (don’t worry, I did)