MMA

UFC Fight Night 70 Picks: Can The Soldier Topple The Dragon?

Hey punch fans, it’s another UFC card featuring a lot of random folks. At least this time the culprit isn’t pandering to a foreign audience, but a massive visa issue that kept a lot of Brazilians out of the US. I guess that’s what happens when an event is moved from Brazil to Florida a month before the fights. Anyway, prelims start at 8:00 PM ET on Fox Sports 2, so let’s dive into the picks!

Important Standings of Note:

Jessica: 419-279-4 (60%)
Burnsy: 427-258-5 (62%)
Vince: 202-131-2 (61%)
Ryan: 10-5-1 (66%)
Danny: 161-77-1 (67%)
Spilled: 81-60-2 (57%)
Sydnie: 16-12 (57%)
Chris: 44-15-2 (74%)
NY Ric: 36-26-1 (57%)
Ghost: 6-7 (46%)
Seth: 32-15 (68%)
Biss: 41-39-1 (51%)
Jared: 63-39-1 (62%)
Melanie: 22-10 (69%)

Bantamweight – Sirwan “Zohan” Kakai vs Danny “The Gremlin” Martinez

Jessica: Hey look, two guys that lost on the TUF 18 qualifiers! Martinez has mostly lost to tip-top competition and beat up low-level dudes, so I’m kind of lost on his overall skill level. Kakai has fought marginally better competition, maybe? However, his nickname is “Zohan”, which is The Worst. I’ll take The Gremlin to win with a second round TKO.

Burnsy: What a hot mess this card is, but yet it is our duty to forge ahead and make our expert picks, while I go undefeated as usual. That said, let’s start with some generosity. Martinez is 0-2 since joining the UFC and I’d hate to see anyone get a pink slip to start off an event, so the Gremlin will send the Swedish Zohan packing.

Welterweight – Steve “The Creepy Weasel” Montgomery vs Tony “2.0” Sims

Jessica: CREEPY WEASEL, Y’ALL!

If you think I’m picking against THAT DUDE, you must not know me very well. Montgomery is going to KO Sims in the first with his Creepy Weasel Mullet powers.

Vince: I’m glad Jessica found that Instagram picture, because these guys are so obscure that neither of them even has a picture on Sherdog. I guess I’ll take the mullet guy too.

Burnsy: Since this card got so f*cked up last week, I thought it might be fun to just make all of my picks the opposite of Jessica. But I can’t pick against the Creepy Weasel, so that idea is dead. Long live the Weeeeee-eeeeeea-sal. *makes stupid Pauly Shore noises, regrets ever thinking that was funny*

Welterweight – Leandro “Buscape” Silva vs “Lethal” Lewis Gonzalez

Jessica: Silva’s only UFC win is against Charlie Brenneman, which is a lot like putting “capable of eating pizza” on your resume: it’s easy, expected, and not at all impressive. Gonzalez has only lost to Luis Palomino, who had an awesome war against Justin Gaethje a while back, so no shame there. I’ll take Gonzalez to take a decision here.

Vince: Two guys with decent records, both with lots of submission wins. It’s a total toss up. I guess I’ll take the Brazilian. Buscape.

Burnsy: I think I ate at Buscape once. Got the runs from the Zuppa de Pesce. Lethal wins this one.

Welterweight – Alex “Cowboy” Oliveira vs Joe “Joey Slash” Merritt

Jessica: Joey Slash has done both college football and male modeling, I guess in the hope to get the powers of both OSP and Alan Jouban. Despite those two solid non-fighting skills, he’s fighting Cowboy Oliveira, who is pretty dang snazzy. Cowboy is also a month removed from choking out KJ Noons, which is even snazzier. Oliveira wins with a second round sub here.

Vince: Cowboy looked amazing against KJ Noons, but that also could’ve just been an epic f*ck up by Noons. Meanwhile, Merritt is 6-0 with six knockouts, with five of them coming against guys with losing records. The last guy was 4-3. This is a massive step up. Cowboy.

Burnsy: How good is Donald Cerrone lately? I’ll pick anyone named Cowboy right now.

Featherweight – Hacran “Barnabe” Dias vs Levan “The Hornet” Makashvili

Jessica: Dias struggled against Lamas and Lentz, but Levan isn’t that quality of wrestler. I’m seeing Dias doing very well against The Hornet and taking a decision.

Vince: Another barn burner here. The Hornet has had one fight in the UFC, a split decision, while Dias is 2-2. At least Dias lost to decent competition (Ricardo Lamas and Nik Lentz, both by decision). Dias via making me shrug slightly less.

Burnsy: Man, this seems like the kind of free card that comes with a free pizza coupon code just to get us to watch. Whatever, free fights is still fights, and I’ll mix this one up and take The Hornet to give my colleagues a chance to gain a fight on me.

Middleweight – Thiago “Marreta” Santos vs Steve “The Boss” Bossé

Jessica: Santos is younger, has a reach advantage, and has fought and defeated better competition than Bossé has. Santos should be able to punch the heck out of Bossé’s face and get a second round KO.

Vince: So, the hockey guy vs. the world’s most generic Brazilian? Talk about a coin flip. I guess I’ll take Santos on the strength of Bossé not having fought in two years.

Burnsy: I’m all fro gimmicks, but I foresee Bossé getting his clock cleaned. Prove me wrong, hockey bro. Also, how is the hockey guy “The Boss” and not “The Enforcer”? Also, he should come out in full goalie pads.

Middleweight – Antonio “Cara de Sapato” Carlos Jr vs Eddie “Truck” Gordon

Jessica: FACE SHOE! I have to go with My Main Man Face Shoe here. He only lost to Cummins, and Gordon isn’t as good at wrestling as Cummins is. I hate picking against TEAM INFINITE BREAD STICKS AND THE LINGUINE DON, but c’mon, it’s FACE SHOE. Face Shoe wins by second round submission.

Vince: Shoe Face might be an even better nickname than Go Horse, which makes him an attractive pick. I also enjoy that Brazilians accept the fact that they all have the same six names and just go by their nicknames instead. Okay, so both of these guys are coming off losses, Shoe Face just went three rounds with Patrick Cummings, which is almost like a win, while Eddie Gordon lost to Chris Dempsey and Josh Samman. Still, can a jiu-jitsu guy really beat someone from Serra-Longo? Especially one who hits as hard as Eddie Gordon? I’ll take Shoe Face, but I’m not feeling great about it.

Burnsy: Another possible pink slip fight, as Gordon has lost two in a row. I’ll be generous again and give him the win over the inexperienced Brazilian.

Welterweight – Santiago “Gente Boa” Ponzinibbio vs Lorenz “The Monsoon” Larkin

Jessica: I think Ponzinibbio is good, but part of me thinks I’ve been tricked. Larkin is a toss-up, thanks mostly due to that 2-4 UFC record. On the flip side, maybe moving to welterweight is the catalyst to jump-start Larkin’s career resurgence. It certainly helped Robbie Lawler! I guess I’ll go with Ponzinibbio to win with a third round KO.

Vince: For me, the question isn’t who wins or loses, it’s what’s that bell thing Larkin always has shaved into his head? On a serious note, I haven’t seen the Poncey Nibbler fight that many times, but I haven’t noticed any holes in his game. Larkin I keep picking no matter how many times it comes back to bite me, but what can I say, I’m doing it again. He seems a lot faster and I have to imagine he’s going to be even better at cutting to 170 than he was in his last fight, in which he beat John Howard pretty badly. I’ll take the Monsoon.

Burnsy: Larkin not only got a job-saving win over John Howard in January, but he did it with authority. Now, the query from my noodle is can he build momentum and be a good fighter instead of a UFC jobber? Damn it, I’m so generous today. Yes, Larkin wins.

Middleweight – Lyoto “The Dragon” Machida vs Yoel “Soldier of God” Romero

Jessica: PEE VERSUS POOP, THE ULTIMATE FIGHT! Normally I’d say Machida is too quick, but I wonder if that’s not the case any more. Romero has the wrestling to get Lyoto down and the scary power to smash his brains. Yoel also has the ability to gas out very quickly and end up super hittable. Uhhh, I guess I’ll go with Machida lasting long enough for Romero to get tired and then Lyoto can karate Yoel’s face off. Machida wins by third round TKO.

Vince: It’s really hard to pick a Yoel Romero fight, because every fight seems to go basically the same way: Yoel Romero looks slow and bored and sh*tty right up until the last second when he knocks their cheekbone into the rafters. He tends to throw change-ups, lulling his opponents into a false sense of security so that they’re off guard when he gives them the heat. That said, Romero was arguably out gameplanned and sort of beaten by Tim Kennedy, and I think Machida is an even better game planner than Kennedy. Romero has never faced anyone as fast and elusive as Machida before. Machida.

Burnsy: After that whole sitting on his stool and not getting up to fight nonsense, I’d say the universe owes Romero some balance. Machida-san will take care of that in a very boring fight, earning a TKO in the fourth round after Romero just sits down and falls asleep.

Performance of the Night

Jessica: Montgomery, FACE SHOE

Burnsy: Santos, Larkin

Fight of the Night

Jessica: Ponzinibbio vs Larkin

Burnsy: Santos vs Bossé

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