Hey fight fans, we’ve got another one for ya! UFC Fight Night 96 is coming live from Portland, with Fight Pass prelims beginning at 7:15 p.m ET, and the main card starting at 11 p.m. ET on Fox Sports 1. Let’s take a closer look at the main card with some predictions, and don’t forget to stick around for a live discussion.
2016 Important Results:
Jessica: 157-126-4 (55 percent)
Burnsy: 107-106-3 (50 percent)
Ryan: 12-2 (86 percent)
Jason: 67-55-1 (55 percent)
Bill: 46-30 (61 percent)
Jared: 38-28 (58 percent)
Jackman: 7-5 (58 percent)
Enrique: 7-5 (58 percent)
Jamie: 16-13-1 (55 percent)
Justin: 13-4 (76 percent)
Marty: 20-12-1 (62 percent)
Parker: 3-4 (43 percent)
Team Davis: 79-59-3 (57 percent)
Dan: 4-1 (80 percent)
Flyweight: Louis “Da Last Samurai” Smolka vs. Brandon “The Assassin” Moreno
Jessica: Smolka has been tearing things up recently. I’m taking him to win and get closer to a title shot down the line. Smolka wins by first round KO.
Burnsy: What if this was actually a fight between a samurai and an assassin? I bet things would get messy. Still not as messy as when that one girl’s ear exploded, probably. Remember that fight? That was crazy! Smolka wins.
Bill: Let’s note one thing: Moreno’s nickname is actually “The Assassin Baby.” Who is letting a baby do assassinations? That’s bad parenting at best. Also, babies would be terrible at contract killing. They don’t have the motor skills to work a garotte! C’mon, people, stop hiring babies to do murders! Smolka is going to trounce this stupid baby.
Jared: Smolka is going to smolke this Moreno kid, amiright y’all?
Jason: Let’s continue with this theme, and discuss if Smolka became Da Last Samurai because of Assassins? What now? Who dare we pick? Obviously, Smolka.
Lightweight: Zak “The Barbarian” Ottow vs. Josh “The People’s Warrior” Burkman
Jessica: I will still stupidly hold onto my appreciation for Burkman until the day after he retires. American Who Hit U is a top 3 made up fighting style of all time, and Burkman’s the last practitioner. Also Ottow has wins over dudes who are dogsh*t, including a dude that’s 13-59. And that was like 3 fights ago for him. Burkman wins by second round submission.
Burnsy: Jessica wants to use numbers to impress you, but you know what? A dude who has fought 72 times isn’t dogsh*t. He’s a brave man. Sure, when you lose 59 of those matches, he’s probably also not the brightest, but he’s still brave, I think. Right? Anyway, it’s not the quality of the opponent but what we learn from beating their asses. Ottow wins.
Ryan: Please don’t base any gambling decisions on this pick because I’m choosing Burkman solely because us wily old bald guys gotta stick together. My heart says Burkman is gonna win this one via gritty decision like a North American Sakuraba.
Bill: His name is Ottow and he loves to lose by referee stop-o.
Jared: I had such high hopes for Burkman after watching him dust Jon Fitch in WSOF, but the dude just hasn’t been able to put it together since rejoining the UFC ranks last year. That said, he’s durable as all hell and still throws heat when he wants to, and should pick up another win over a sacrificial lamb the likes of Ottow.
Jason: The wild WSOF days for Burkman are long gone, Jared. 2012/2013 were wild times, but now we’re just left with a husk of a Burkman, who is roughly 10 years pat dating Arianny. Zack Ottow doesn’t seem all that impressive, however, so it looks like the UFC is putting Burkman in line for a good win here, because we all know a winning Burkman lifts all boats, or something. Burkman via 2nd round submission?
Lightweight: “Ill” Will Brooks vs. Alex “Cowboy” Oliveira
Jessica: The more Brooks beats people up, the louder I can yell for Michael Chandler to get a UFC contract, so of course I’m going with Ill Will here. Brooks is going to wrestle the fake Cowboy to dust. Brooks takes a decision.
Burnsy: What’s the time? It’s time to pick Ill. And what’s the time? It’s time to pick Ill. So what’s the time? It’s time to pick Ill. Now what’s the time? It’s time to pick Ill.
Ryan: This is gonna be one of those frustrating fights where the more dynamic and exciting fighter gets wrestlef**ked to a decision loss. Will Brooks is gonna win, and no sir, I don’t like it.
Bill: This is a showcase match for Brooks and I share in Ryan’s frustration, but UFC is now licensed to Ill and we all have to deal with it.
Jared: I refuse to recognize Alex Oliveira as “Cowboy” following his loss to Donald Cerrone. If this world made any sense he would have been downgraded to Alex “The Farmhand” Oliveira right then and there, and he won’t be in for any easier of a night against Ill Will here.
Jason: Love me some Will Brooks! We seem to have normalized from the worst wrestlef*ck days of 2007-2012 to a more active sport in which referees are fine lifting fighters out of dominant positions, so I think all is well and dandy in the world. I’m picking Will to continue the Bellator invasion angle that no one seems to care about.
Bantamweight: John “The Magician” Dodson vs. John “Hands of Stone Lineker
Jessica: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Tiny punch babies! Dodson has crazy speed, but all he’s really shown offensively is his left hand. Lineker is slower, but he’s got a few more weapons. I’ve gone back and forth a few dozen times, but I think I’m going to give the edge to Dodson because of how quick he is. Dodson wins by fourth round KO.
Burnsy: A battle of Johns, and this one doesn’t involve me and another dude fighting over a hooker. Wait, what? Anyway, this is a great fight on paper, as Lineker comes into this one on a five-fight winning streak, and if his name isn’t Mighty Mouse, Dodson usually has no problem beating him. Fortunately, Dodson realized he’s never gonna beat the Mouse, so he has moved on. He’ll win this one as he figures out which belt he won’t win next.
Ryan: John Dodson is the best flyweight in the world not named Mighty Mouse. That being said, there’s a lot of bantamweights out there that I think can pull out a win over him. Dodson may be fast, but Lineker hits like a truck. I say Lineker catches Dodson with something nasty in the third and then ground and pounds him til the ref stops it.
Bill: I again agree with Ryan that if Dodson loses this fight, it’s because Lineker gets lucky and catches him with a haymaker. That said, I don’t believe luck is on Lineker’s side this time. Dodson takes it.
Jared: John Lineker is violence personified, but the Flash-level speed of Dodson simply cannot be overlooked here. He landed something like 140 uppercuts on Manny Gamburyan when given the smallest opening in his return to bantamweight earlier this year, and Lineker is certainly hittable. Dodson by KO.
Jason: Jared, if Cowboy Oliveira lost his “Cowboy” moniker to Cerrone, can we agree (at least between everyone here) that whoever loses this fight can no longer be called John? Name vs. Name match, like how Burnsy said. That’ll raise the stakes! But yeah, I like Dodson always and forever. Speed kills.
Performance of the Night
Jessica: Smolka, Dodson
Burnsy: Fili, McCrory
Ryan: Burkman, McCrory
Bill: Burkman, Dodson
Jared: McCrory, Dodson
Fight of the Night
Jessica: Dias vs. Fili
Burnsy: Burkman vs. Ottow
Ryan: Burkman vs. Ottow
Bill: Burkman vs. Ottow
Jared: Burkman vs. Ottow, I guess
Jason: Dodson vs. Lineker you guys are crazy