Movies

‘Play Like A Champion’ With These ‘Wedding Crashers’ Quotes

In 2005, the Frat Pack was at their prime, and Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson were imparting infinite, douchey wisdom as divorce mediators who crash weddings to get laid in The Wedding Crashers. The romcom has since become a dirty classic, and it left an indelible mark on brocabulary. We’ve rounded up some of the film’s best lines and used more than 10 percent of our brains to do it.

“Crab cakes and football, that’s what Maryland does!” – Flip

Maryland was essentially gifted a state slogan from Wedding Crashers‘s most forgettable character. But really, who is Flip, you ask? An unmemorable lackey of a pre-Oscar nods Bradley Cooper (you forgot he was in this, huh?).

“I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger.” – Jeremy Grey

Ah, yes, thank you Wedding Crashers for yet another way to categorize women. Five, however, doesn’t seem nearly high enough for the full-on crazytown that was Isla Fisher’s Gloria Cleary. After Vaughn hooks up with the Secretary’s daughter at a crashed reception, she quickly turns from hot lay into possessive lover.

“You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!” – Mrs. Kroeger

Jeremy and John (Wilson) work as divorce mediators, a career that definitely feeds into their attitude toward romance. As the business partners arbitrate a nasty argument between an estranged couple, the infuriated wife spouts out this iconically illogical command.

“Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!” – Jeremy Grey

The crasher rulebook, as outlined by Will Ferrell’s hilariously pathetic Chazz Reinhold, includes such sage wisdom as “Invitations are for pussies,” and “Breakfast is for closers.” The movie’s most iconic guideline? Rule #76 – a commandment to live by.

“You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts.” – John Beckwith

The pickup line to end all pickup lines.

“I’d like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it’s not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.” – John Beckwith

When Jeremy first floats the idea of posing as employees of an “emerging maple syrup conglomerate” for the Cleary wedding, John is not feeling it. Stick with venture capitalists from New Hampshire, he pleads. But Jeremy’s argument for the merits of maple syrup is valid. I, too, love maple syrup on my pizza.

“Death, you are my b*tch lover!” – Todd Cleary

Todd, the son of Secretary Cleary, and brother of both the movie’s love interests, has some obvious personal issues to work on. Whether it’s his sexual identity, failed seduction of Jeremy, or questionable art skills, something is giving Todd a whole lot of angst – and we dig it.

“Mom! The meat loaf! F*ck!” – Chazz Reinhold

Ferrell’s uncredited cameo is an absolute scene stealer. Chazz is the original crasher, serving as a sort of unseen icon for Jeremy and John’s raucous behavior. Once we finally meet the infamous Chazz, however, it’s clear he’s more sad than suave. Case and point – he lives with his mother. She really was taking forever on that meatloaf, though.

“Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.” – Jeremy Grey

While John tries to woo Claire Cleary (Rachel McAdams), Jeremy is having the worst weekend of his life. The highlights? An aggressive dinner hand job and an unwanted visit from Todd, who’s looking for lovin’ in all the wrong places. Vaughn’s bitingly sarcastic delivery of “midnight rape” makes the scene one of the film’s best.

“Would you say you’re completely full of sh*t or just 50%?” – Vivian

“I hope just 50, but who knows?” – John Beckwith

It’s clear from the nudity-filled, “Shout”-accompanied montage at the start of the film that Jeremy and John are used to success with women. Wedding season means one night stands and forgotten names. Vivian, however, isn’t buying what John is putting down and calls him out on it.

“Make me a bicycle, clown!” – Child at wedding reception

Kids these days, am I right?!

“Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested, but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested, but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you’re trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called ‘just the tip.’ Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.” – Jeremy Grey

Less of a line and more of a diatribe, Jeremy’s shutdown of a coworker who’s trying to set him up is what we all want to say to our happy, taken friends that try to pawn us off to the closest available singlite. There’s nothing fun about a forced blind date – especially not that ass-out hug.

×