Christmas movies are the Mrs. Fields cookies of the movie world — delicious if consumed in small doses, overpoweringly sweet and potentially nausea-inducing when binged. (Source: lots of experience with cookies.) But what most people don’t realize is that beneath their shiny exteriors, beautiful setpieces, and moving messages of hope and goodwill, most Christmas movies are actually terrifying.
If you look deeper at such classics as A Very Brady Christmas and A Christmas Story, you’ll notice that these films are fairly dark, if not outright sinister. Say what you will about Krampus — the new horror comedy about people being terrorized on Christmas Eve — but at least it doesn’t pretend that Christmas can be a magical time of year even if you manage to forget your child not once, but two times when you go on a holiday trip.
Here are just a few titles that you might want to re-watch with a new perspective on your preferred streaming service this Christmas.
A Christmas Story
Turn on your TV. Flip to any channel. Chances are that if what you see isn’t a movie starring Michael Caine or Gene Hackman, you’re seeing A Christmas Story, long a perennial favorite with adults and children alike. But is it really such a great film? First of all, it speaks to the decline of our education system — both because no one in the main character’s family can pronounce the word “fragile” and because it shows that teachers literally give you grades not based on the content of your work, but whether they think what you want from Santa is inappropriate. As if it were their business if I want a pony with machine guns for arms like any other red-blooded American. Second of all, it shows exactly how damn dangerous the holiday season can be. Kids are injured in every way shape and form. People get their eyes shot out. A child gets his tongue stuck to a pole. And that’s not even considering how incredibly unsupportive and abusive the family in the film is.
It’s A Wonderful Life
Oh, you mean That One Christmas Movie About A Literal Suicide Attempt? Director Frank Capra ends things on a positive and heartwarming note, but as a viewer, you have to take the long way to get there, and get dragged through a pile of sadness almost the whole time. Essentially, up until the “God bless us, everyone” conclusion, George Bailey’s story is one of nearly worthless sacrifice as he gears up to take the fall for $8,000 in missing bank funds; a decision that will destroy his family and his beloved town.
A Very Brady Christmas
Divorce, attempted murder, sabotage — what doesn’t this movie have? Created for fans of the show and (presumably) their impressionable children, this film shows the wholesome Bradys in a whole new light. Bobby’s a college dropout, Jan’s getting a divorce (of course), and even Marcia’s not doing so well now that her husband’s been fired from his job at the toy factory (which is… they couldn’t come up with a better job in the writing room?). On top of that, Cindy doesn’t want to come home (I don’t blame her) and Mike’s almost killed by a collapsed building. Add Alice’s husband, Sam, is cheating on her and then trying to make it all better by putting on a Santa costume (are you kidding me?), and what you’ve got is another reminder that maybe it’s just better to send a Christmas card and chip away at your Netflix queue than go home.
Home Alone
Even Home Alone has its darker levels if you look deep enough. Sure, these films aren’t as classically scary as Black Christmas or Don’t Open Til Christmas, but you can almost imagine Home Alone being a spiritual prequel to the latter considering Kevin McCallister’s obvious darkness and flair for imaginative violence.
Can you really blame him for developing into a killer, though? Really, let’s call this series of movies what they should have really been titled: Bad Parenting and Bad Parenting 2: Why Do You People Even Have Children? Every single adult in these movies is awful, and some of us didn’t watch the films as kids thinking “man, that Kevin McCallister is a genius with things he should have never had access to.” Instead, we sat through these kid-friendly torture pornos in a state of wide-eyed horror that comes from wondering if your parents would leave you to fend off criminals if they were running a little late for a flight.
Marv and Harry are the bad guys in this series, but they’re not the real monsters — the parents are. (I’d also like to see the numbers on how many children befriended the scary neighborhood drifter in an attempt to warm their hearts after seeing the first film, only to never be heard from again.)
