We could run down a list of the worst reviews that have been written about Fifty Shades of Grey this week – and there are quite a few to choose from – or simply reiterate how funny Lisa Wilkinson’s take on the adaptation of E.L. James’ erotic Twilight fan fiction was on Australia’s Today show. But that wouldn’t change the fact that Fifty Shades is already one of the biggest movies in terms of pre-sales and well on its way to being a monster at the box office this weekend. Both sequels have already been green-lighted and all the alleged bad chemistry between Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson in the world couldn’t derail this first class train ride to blockbuster town.
Naturally, it’s not just James, Universal Pictures and Focus Features looking to make cash hand over whip from this beloved franchise. Sex toy manufacturers have obviously been pumping out all sorts of kinky party favors for fans of the series, and even hardware stores have been asking their employees to study up on the practices of amateur bondage enthusiasts. But no company can top the effort being put forth by luxury hotels across the country, as they’re inviting couples to spend the night while living out their wildest fantasies.
From Miami Beach to Seattle, the city that Christian Grey calls home, hotels are offering special packages inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey. Some of them have been around for a few years, but others are brand new. Either way, if you’re looking for a last second location to live out your BDSM fantasies, here’s a rundown of some of the finer places to blow a ton of money…
Seattle’s Edgewater Hotel – The “No Grey Area” Package
Running through Feb. 28, this package has everything from a luxury rental car for touring the city to the helicopter ride that proves that Christian Grey is a billionaire. Rich people always fly in helicopters. It’s a total power move. The complete package includes:
One day use of an Audi R8 Spyder
Helicopter tour of Seattle
Kama Sutra book upon arrival
Aphrodisiacs appetizers from Six Seven
Lavish accommodations for two in a Waterfront Premium guestroom
Valet parking for one night
It’s that last one that really makes this a bargain, regardless of price (you have to call for that info). Seriously, hotel parking is a scam along the lines of student loans and Nigerian princes.
Seattle’s Hyatt Olive 8 – Grey Shades of Olive 8
If an Audi and helicopter ride are too rich for your tastes, or maybe if you’d just like to have a nice meal, check out the Space Needle, and get right to the freaky stuff, the Olive 8 Hyatt in Seattle has a more humble package that includes:
One appetizer at Urbane Restaurant accompanied by two signature cocktails inspired by the “Fifty Shades of Grey” trilogy
One Chef’s Choice Welcome Amenity
A self-guided walking map of Seattle with landmarks from the trilogy
Valet Parking per night for one vehicle, per stay
Valet parking? I take it back. This one’s way fancier than the last one.
Seattle’s Hotel Maxwell – The Sweet Surrender
This particular hotel bills itself as the “sexiest in Seattle,” so that should be good enough to move the needle for any lovers on the fence about where they’d like to strap their wrists. And unlike the other Seattle locations, this one really wants you to get tied up in the best way possible, with this very erotic package:
Bottle of bubbly in room at checkin
Satin rose petals on bed at checkin
Gourmet chocolates from Seattle’s Oh Chocolate
Complimentary in-room movie
Adventurous Amenity Kit – Includes 10 ft. satin tie and blindfold, mini vibrating toy and feather and honey body dust
Based on the amenity kit, let’s just go ahead and assume that the complimentary movie is not Frozen or The Lego Movie, and far more likely the porn parodies of those.
Snoqualmie’s Salish Lodge – 50 Shades of Salish
About 40 minutes outside of Seattle, depending on the traffic, Snoqualmie’s Salish Lodge offers all of the erotic adventures with none of the city noise and lights. Nope, this place is all about rest, relaxation and really randy romps, according to this package’s details:
It features rose petals in the room, absinthe cocktails and a book called “Great Sex Weekend” by University of Washington sociology professor and romance expert Pepper Schwartz, who consults for the hotel. The packages are “selling very well,” said Erin Osborne, a spokeswoman for the company that runs the Salish Lodge, which is out by Snoqualmie Falls and doesn’t play a part in the books. (The Seattle Times)
“Great Sex Weekend,” eh? When that movie is adapted into a feature film, what book will the Salish Lodge leave in its room then? And after that? And after that? And after that? Start writing that sex book that you’ve been dreaming about, is what I’m trying to tell you kids.
Portland’s Heathman Hotel – Fifty Shades of Grey “Charlie Tango No Limits” Package
Billed as the “infamous haunt of main characters Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey,” the Heathman is the hotel of choice for Christian and Ana for many of their freaky-deaky escapades. That’s why when it comes to making sure that this specific package is an all-out affair of accuracy and seductive romance, the Heathman is showing very little… restraint.
Heathman bartender Kathy Casey has created the delicious “50 Shades” cocktail. This cocktail features gin, fresh tangerine, pomegranate juice, lemon, and fresh thyme; it is available in the bar and restaurant.
Our Inner Goddess Add-On package includes a chilled bottle of Boedecker Pinot Gris, shared by the main characters in the first novel, and a keepsake grey neck tie.
The $2,750 “Charlie Tango No Limits” package includes far more:Appetizers and white wine at the hotel restaurant for six people, a helicopter tour of the city, roses for the ladies in the party, dinner at the hotel and limo transfers to the helipad.
That’s a lot of coin to pretend that you’re the characters from a tale that was weaved in the fan forums of Twilight erotica. But some people don’t care about the money, which is why they might prefer…
Portland’s Heathman Hotel – Fifty Shades of Oregon VIP ADVENTURE OF A LIFETIME Package
This six night/seven day vacation package is no joke, as the Heathman allows guests to write their “own chapter with a romantic trip through Oregon.” I don’t know about you, but the only Oregon trip I’ve ever taken ended with half of my crew dying from dysentery. However, this luxury trip takes you from “the urban hotspot of Portland,” so pack your handmade beard wax, to “to the majesty of Mt. Hood and through the wonder of Cannon Beach.” Seriously, this package is insane:
Overnight accomodations for two people in luxury landmarks steeped in history!*
Romantic private dinners for two at our award winning, locally inspired culinary destinations!
$500 personalized indulgent tax-free shopping experience in hip downtown Portland!
A beach bonfire and elegantly pampered services at the iconic Cannon Beach Stephanie Inn!
Champagne or Brandy toast at the 8,500′ point of Mt. Hood after an adventurous snowcat ride!
Luxury Town Car transportation from PDX to each location and back to PDX at the conclusion of the trip
Restorative breakfast and complimentary wine tastings to keep the momentum going…
What, no giant bag of cocaine to keep me awake for 168 hours? What a rip-off.
San Francisco’s Personality Hotels – 50 Shades of Women
The Personality Hotels package is available at the Hotel Diva, Kensington Park and Hotel Union Square, so you can pick your location accordingly. Of course, if hotel rates in San Francisco are anything like rental prices, then you should probably look into having a few dozen people chip in to make this more affordable. Nonetheless, this package includes a “discreet black box” that “holds the key to living out your favorite scenes and wildest fantasies.”
• One Minna Limon Vibrator (squeeze as you please)
• Lilly Fringe Whip (soft tassels to caress or punish)
• Madame’s Mystique Paddle (this one was all Christian’s idea)
• Silky Sash Restraint (the possibilities are endless)
• Désir Métallic Mesh Handcuffs (prisoner of love?)
• Les Petits Tickle me Tickler (perfect for teasing and pleasing)
• Art of Lust Condoms (safety first, of course)
• Wicked Aqua Lubricant (water-based accessory for added pleasure)
• $10 Donation to the Breast Cancer Emergency Fund (because it’s all about give and take)
I was going to make a joke about the lack of subtlety in naming the black box the “Come Again” package, but that breast cancer donation is a surprisingly sweet touch. So good for you, Personality Hotels.
Houston’s The Fifty Shades of Grey Experience
Moving to the heartland of America, we’re reminded that everything is bigger in Texas, and that includes the desire to be tied up and playfully spanked. A Houston company (apparently unknown to KHOU) is offering a $1,500 package that turns Space City into Seattle for one evening. This particular package includes:
The couple will be picked up in a limo and driven to a helipad. They’ll be flown over The Woodlands by Helicopter Services, Inc. for an aerial tour at sunset.
The couple will then be driven by limo to Perry’s Steakhouse & Grill for an intimate and decadent dinner.
That’s followed by a trip to Alamo Drafthouse Cinema Vintage Park for a special viewing of “Fifty Shades of Grey” that includes a bottle of bubbly.
There will be a photographer on hand for the evening to provide keepsakes of the memorable date.
What you do after arriving home in your limo is your business. (Via KHOU)
THEY MEAN SEX! But the couple has to have sex at home? That’s pretty boring. At least throw in a cheap motel room.
New York City’s Eventi and Ink 48 Hotels – 50 Shades of Grey Package
Both the Eventi and Ink 48 are offering identical Fifty Shades-inspired packages to give couples an extra special experience in the Big Apple. These establishments promise to “let lovers live out their innermost fantasies for a seductive night,” which probably means that it won’t be like my plate of Totino’s Pizza Rolls and Blu Ray copy of John Wick playing on repeat. Regardless, this package includes:
Luxe suite accommodations with a bottle of Veuve Clicquot Brut upon arrival
Babeland amenity kit including Satin Bondage Kit, Paddle, Spanking Powder & Necktie
Welcome amenity basket with Aphrodisiac inspired items including a selection of Mast Brothers Chocolates, bananas, avocado and chocolate covered strawberries
An intimate signature 50 minute couples massage
$200 credit to La Perla or Agent Provacateur…your choice.
Two tickets to the Museum of Sex
The package starts at $659/night, but anyone who has ever been to the Museum of Sex will tell you that the experience is worth twice that.
Naples’ Grande Beach Resort – “Laters, Baby” Package
I have to say, based on the description of this package, it might be the most underwhelming of all the hotels I’ve examined. But I will give the Grande Beach Resort the benefit of the doubt by saying that there’s a chance this could involve an element of surprise, because this seems light:
Make this vacation one to remember with our ultimate romance package! Inspired by the hit novel Fifty Shades of Grey, this romance package includes everything you’ll need to surprise a loved one.
Enjoy a bottle of champagne or sparkling wine and chocolate covered strawberries upon arrival, daily breakfast buffet for two in Aura Restaurant and a $100 Spa treatment credit to facilitate relaxation and rejuvenation.
Maybe when you check in, the staff sends a whole trunk of sex toys to your room, where your own gimp stands by to help administer any style of pain/pleasure you and your loved one prefer. Or maybe you just slap each other’s asses with waffles. Who knows?
Ft. Lauderdale’s B Ocean – Fifty Shades of B
This South Florida sex romp only runs through March 1, so couples will need to jump all over this before they jump on each other. While it is inspired by the film, it is not all-inclusive, as you do not have to take the helicopter ride if you don’t want to. Instead, you can leave the helicoptering to your lover’s penis. This package includes:
“50 Shades of B Package” will receive items that appear in the 50 Shades story line including a grey silk tie, a bottle of Pouilly Fume wine, an indulgent cheese and fruit platter and a sensual love kit. In true Christian Grey fashion, couples who are looking to take things up a notch can B Adventurous with the addition on a half-hour helicopter ride above the serene beaches of Fort Lauderdale. Please contact the hotel concierge directly to book Helicopter tour at $185/person, plus taxes. Please note transportation is not included.
If you ask me, the cheese and fruit platter is the sensual love kit. But I guess inedible items are fun, too. Especially since they don’t make people farty like cheese does.
Miami Beach’s Eden Roc – 50 Shades of Romance
This one is a little tamer than the rest, or at least that’s what they want you to believe with this vague package description:
Arriving to your 50 Shades Experience:
Welcome “Red Room of Pain” cocktails at Eden Roc’s Lobby Bar
20% off in-room dining
Evening Turn Down Experience:
One complimentary bottle of sparkling wine at Dinner
Chocolate covered strawberries provided in room
Array of complimentary products for couples in a kit placed on the bed at turndown
50 Shades of Grey inspired Do Not Disturb sign for you to take home
A Regal Cinema Gift Card for you and the one of choice to go see the most anticipated movie of the year, 50 SHADES OF GREY, or a movie of your choice.
10% discount on lingerie selection at Eberjey South Beach
Private Shopping Experience at Eberjey South Beach
I want to know what’s in that couples kit. Are we talking freaky naughty “complimentary products” like a gas-powered dildo and a tennis racquet that squirts flavored lube out of the handle? Or is it just some yarn and some clothespins. Either way, I wouldn’t really complain.
Edinburgh, Scotland’s Boutique Hotel Nira Caledonia – 50 Plaids of Wa-Hay
Looking to get away from America and many of its antiquated sex laws to have your Fifty Shades of fun? How about Scotland? At £1,300, this ridiculous package is loaded with the goods, and for an extra £2,000, you can add a champagne bath. Is that all? I’ll take two. But if you’re not a bubbly bather like me, here’s what the basic package entails:
Welcome glass of champagne
2 nights overnight accommodation in a Jacuzzi Suite
Romantic turndown service every night
Full Scottish breakfast each morning (can also be served in your Suite)
Tasting menu in Blackwood’s Bar & Grill on one night. This is a bespoke menu, created and agreed in consultation with the guest. Chef will make recommendations about the finest seasonal and local produce and, of course, incorporate a selection of aphrodisiac ingredients. The dishes can also be paired with suitable wines and/or whiskies. The meal can be served in the atmospheric Blackwood’s Bar and Grill restaurant or by waiter service in the bedroom.
Fifty Shades of Grey goody bag including Massage Me Massage candle, Sweet Sensation Sensual Bath Oil, Totally His Soft handcuffs, No Peeking soft Twin Blindfold set, Masks On Masquerade Mask Twin Pack, Soft Limits Deluxe Wrist Tie, Tease Feather Tickler, Christian Grey Silver Tie, Spanking Ruler, Feather tickler, Fluffy handcuffs.
Couples Aromatherapy, Therapeutic or Deep Tissue Massage. (Nira Caledonia works with professional on-site spa service Energetics, who bring the spa to you. The Energetics team will set up a spa suite in the comfort of your hotel room while you relax, unwind and enjoy your massage together to the sounds of soothing music. The Aromatherapy massage includes a personalised blend of essential oils to suit your mood and emotions, to relax, revive, restore and energise.
Butler (including private mobile phone for guest so they have 24/7 access to the butler), who on request will fill your Jacuzzi bath with Champagne!
Will the butler stay and watch us have sex? I’m asking for a friend.
New York City or Los Angeles – The Fifty Shades Experience
For some women out there, playing the role of Anastasia Steele is simply impossible with a familiar significant other. Part of Christian Grey’s allure, I’m told by people who read this stuff, is that he’s silent, intimidating and mysterious, among other qualities. Simply put – Ana doesn’t know him all that well, and he could actually be quite dangerous. Is that what you want – a sense of danger? Then hire your own “Christian” for $12,397.
Live the absolute Fifty Shades of Grey experience. Two days like no other. The helicopter will fly you over the city. Christian will be waiting you at his apartment building, Escala. He wants to live with you the absolute BDSM experience. But before he touches you, you must sign the contract. He is the Dominant and you are the Submissive. You will be his “slave” for two days you will never forget. You will experience the “Red Room of Pain”.
Are you ready?
Not that I don’t trust a random website and all, but does “Christian” have a bio I can check out? Maybe a LinkedIn profile with a pic and some job experience. I’d hate to think that women are just walking into a situation where a guy who looks like Josh Gad is holding a broom and wheezing that she should prepare. (According to the website, once the woman books her experience, she gets to choose her “Christian” from a book. How is this legal?)
So what does $12,397 buy for a sex slave?
Two days with Christian at Escala
Fly with his Helicopter over the city
Sign the Dominant – Submissive Contract
BDSM in the “Red Room of Pain”
Dinner with dialogues from the Fifty Shades of Gray [sic]
Yeah, this sounds like a great idea for women who want to test the BDSM waters based on a book by a woman who, again, got her start on a message board. I can’t wait til this ends up as a column on XO Jane.
An Internship with Grey Enterprises
Finally, for all of the prudes out there, you can always live the “experience” from the safety of your own home. Just download the Grey Enterprises internship app and pretend that you work for the young billionaire by testing your knowledge with Fifty Shades trivia. That’s pretty sexy, right? Sure it is.