How To Explain All Of Those Debunked Disney Theories To Your Stoned Friend

This week, E! Online took a quick break from pouring gasoline on the trash can fire of baseless Lamar Odom speculation to “celebrate the release” of the Aladdin: Diamond Edition on digital, Disney Movies Anywhere and Blu-ray. Which is great, because I was worried this milestone would go unheralded.

The glamorous fete included an illuminating interview with Aladdin directors Ron Clements and John Musker, who’ve finally agreed to discuss the truth behind some of the most insidious Disney-film myths that your annoying stoner friend has been talking about at parties for 15 years. Here are some of the things they revealed; if you want to send this to your stoned friend, I’ve included some conversational notes that might help soften the blow.

  • Hey, man. Some bad news. Aladdin is not set in the post-apocalyptic future. No, it’s really not. They just called the city “Agrabah” because Baghdad was totally fucked up re: The Gulf War. It’s sort of an anagram. Never mind.
  • No, Revelation 9 did not predict the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait.
  • The Peddler at the beginning of Aladdin is the Genie, though. You were right. That’s really the only thing you were right about, but it’s okay.
  • Aladdin is not whispering “take off your clothes” to Jasmine in the magic-carpet scene. Scott Weinger, who voiced Aladdin, says he never even uttered those words aloud. Ever. Scott Weinger is a virgin. I know. How is the guy who voiced Aladdin a virgin?
  • You know that part in Hercules you always talk about, where Hercules climbs onto the branch of a tree and sees a shooting star, and you’re always like, “Dude, that’s Aladdin and Jasmine flying on their magic carpet!” And I’m like, “I literally don’t give a fuck, I’m at work, please stop FaceTiming me?” This one might be true, which is hard for me to admit out loud because I’m scared you’ll never stop FaceTiming me at work now. Clements told E! that “the shooting star, we were thinking, is Pegasus. Though no one, I guess, can ever know for sure…” So yeah, this might be true, but I don’t know why you care so much.
  • Are you okay? Do you want to talk about your divorce yet, or?
  • I can’t FaceTime with you right now, I’m at work. Let’s just stay on the phone until you stop hyperventilating.
  • Okay, so Elsa’s parents in Frozen probably did not die in the same shipwreck that Ariel later explores in The Little Mermaid. Listen, Musker thinks this was a cool idea, though, so don’t get too down on yourself. He said it was “interesting.” I swear.
  • I know Jasmine looks sort of like your ex, but I don’t think Disney based the entire character of Jasmine on her. It’s just a coincidence.
  • Well, for one, your wife doesn’t ever wear three ponytails in her hair at once. Her hair is much too thin to need that kind of support.
  • I really don’t think Ron Clements and John Musker are sleeping with your wife or doing this interview to subtly mock you.
  • I told you, Scott Weinger is a virgin. He’s not sleeping with your wife.
  • No. I don’t think the cryogenic corpse of Walt Disney is rising from its icy grave to sleep with your wife.
  • Yes, I think it’s a really good idea to write a BuzzFeed piece about what Disney princesses would look like if they were cryogenically frozen for decades and then defrosted and hired as Virgin America flight attendants.