POP QUIZ: Does Bill Clinton like the Fast & Furious movies?
CASE FOR: Of course Bill Clinton likes the Fast & Furious movies. It’s easy to forget this now because he’s the professorial white-haired vegan you see in that image up there, but deep down I’ve gotta believe there’s still a McDonald’s-inhaling dude from Arkansas who takes over every now and then. That’s like the prime Fast & Furious demographic. I bet he’s seen all of them. I bet his favorite is Fast Five because of all the Brazilian women on the beach, and because it’s the first one with The Rock. I bet Bill Clinton loves The Rock. Bill Clinton definitely likes the Fast & Furious movies.
CASE AGAINST: Here’s the thing: It’s just… I… Bill Clinton doesn’t… Nope. Got nothing. Bill Clinton 100% likes the Fast & Furious movies.
And as if that analysis wasn’t enough to convince you, we also have confirmation. GQ did a long piece about Bill’s twilight years and his role in Hillary’s campaign, and tucked way down in there in a chunk about his travel schedule, this little jewel sparkled and caught my eye.
More often than not, the ex-president finds himself staying in hotels with nothing resembling a presidential suite; he typically overnights in Holiday Inn Expresses and Quality Inns. His aides say he’s the least prissy member of his small traveling party—caring only that his shower has good water pressure and that the TV has premium cable so that he might watch San Andreas or one of the Fast & Furious movies before he drifts off to sleep.
So a few things:
- Good water pressure and premium cable. That’s all any of us need, really. Like, in life. Religions have been built around less profound ideas.
- This is where we acknowledge that there is something potentially self-serving about a Clinton aide painting a picture of Bill watching action movies in a budget hotel because it’s humanizing and homesy at a point in the election where that’s going to start to matter.
- And this is where we choose to disregard all of that because that picture he painted is too good.
- Say the line “I live my life a quarter mile at a time” in your best Bill Clinton accent. It’s a lot of fun.
Man, we gotta get Bill Clinton a role in a Fast & Furious movie. Doesn’t matter what the role is: Wise old mechanic, newly introduced one-time mentor of Dominic Toretto, legendary international arms dealer Victor Kaboom, anything. Because this crap right here…
… simply will not do.