Quick, what’s your favorite movie about futuristic weather-controlling space satellites going haywire and Gerard Butler kidnapping the president to save the world from a plague of giant tornadoes and tsunamis? Did you say Geostorm? No? What the heck?! Well, then hurry up and watch the trailer for Geostorm!
Did you watch it? You did? Cool. Please tell me what is happening at literally any part of it. No, wait. Don’t tell me. I want to figure it out on my own. Here’s what I got so far:
We are in the not-too-distant future.
Someone has created satellites that control the weather, to protect us all from catastrophic events.
Gerard Butler plays a wisecracking space scientist of some sort.
Something has gone wrong with the space satellites.
Afghanistan is frozen.
TORNADOES AND TSUNAMIS.
(This is called “a Geostorm.”)
The space satellites were sabotaged by someone.
ARE SPACE HACKERS CAUSING THE GEOSTORM?
GERARD BUTLER IS GOING TO SPACE AND HE’S OUR ONLY HOPE.
This is already my favorite movie. Although, if I’m being honest, it was my favorite movie before we got to any of that. It was my favorite movie from the opening moments of the trailer, when Toby from The West Wing gave Gerard Butler a hard time about being late to a Congressional panel and Gerard Butler replied “Yeah, sorry about that. I literally had to fly in from outer space.”
Here are some other quotes from the trailer:
“We can control our weather.”
“We have to shut the system down.”
“We’re kidnapping the president in a self-driving cab?”
This last one brings up three interesting points: Number one, the president is played by Andy Garcia. Number two, Ed Harris is also in this movie, which has nothing to do with the thing about kidnapping the president but feels important to note somewhere. And number three, again, this appears to be a movie about space hackers causing weather-based chaos to literally rain down on the entire world, where the only solution involves a cool renegade scientist kidnapping the president. How in the name of Dr. Stanley Goodspeed is Nicolas Cage not in this movie? It’s got all his moves! This is a travesty. I’m so upset that I might boycott this movie when it comes out on…
Wait a second. When does this come out. Let’s check Wikipedia.
The film was originally set for release on March 25, 2016, but in August 2014, Warner cancelled this, and released Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice on that date instead. On December 11, 2014, WB shifted its live-action animated film Jungle Book to 2017 and gave its previous date from March 25, 2016 then October 21, 2016 to Geostorm. In September 2015, the studio again moved back the film from October 21, 2016, to January 13, 2017. In June 2016, the studio announced the release had been moved back from January 13, 2017, to October 20, 2017. The film will have an IMAX 3D release.
Aww, Geostorm. Okay, fine. I’m back in.