The case can at least sort of be made that it makes sense for the eponymous theme park in Jurassic World to be filled with people who want to see dinosaurs. If we ignore the events of The Lost World and Jurassic Park III — which Jurassic World really wants you to do – it’s within the realm of possibility that people would visit a park that hasn’t had any deaths since before it even opened, 22 years before.
Now, the problem becomes: How do you make a sequel to Jurassic World? After all the death and destruction this time around, why would anyone willfully put themselves near a dinosaur again? Sure, the movie has a subplot that, I guess, sets up something that could be a not very good sequel, but… maybe there’s a better idea?
So far, in all four Jurassic Park movies, things have gone terribly wrong and people have wound up being eaten by dinosaurs. But, what if, instead of things going wrong YET AGAIN… what if things went right?
We present to you: We Bought A Jurassic World, directed by Cameron Crowe.
A widowed father (played once again by Matt Damon) is searching for a way to keep his embattled family together. While searching for a new home for his family, he comes across an ad for a fixer upper. After the days-long journey with his realtor (J.B. Smoove), he discovers that the house he’s looking at comes attached with its very own Jurassic World, the site of a horrible tragedy just three years before.
At first, he’s hesitant. What does he know about running a Jurassic World? But his adorable daughter falls in love with the decrepit and bloodied place, so the family moves in. Matt Damon is now the boss of a skeleton staff of a few wacky and colorful workers. At first, they are all skeptical, but after some trials and tribulations, Matt Damon eventually earns their respect.
The saddest scene is when the old T. rex just won’t eat her food any longer. Matt Damon, his family, and the staff gather around the T. rex’s cage, banging pots, trying to do anything to get her to eat. But, Matt Damon has to face facts, and he winds up having the T. rex we’ve known since 1993 put to sleep, a sad ending for a legendary beast.
The dramatic conclusion comes when the mean safety inspector shows up, to make sure Jurassic World is up to code. Just when all seems lost, somehow, by the skin of its teeth, the park passes inspection. The music swells.
Matt Damon travels to other local islands, passing out flyers at chain hardware stores, letting people know that Jurassic World is reopening. On the day the park opens, there are seemingly no visitors; but, closer inspection tells them that a storm had downed some trees in the water leading up to the docks. As the camera pans up, we see miles and miles of boats. Inspired by Matt Damon’s perseverance, people are returning.
Over the course of the entire film, no one is eaten by a dinosaur. And along the way, there’s a lot of great music. We hear songs from Led Zeppelin and Mudhoney. The We Bought A Jurassic World soundtrack will set iTunes sales records.
(In Jurassic World 3, Matt Damon is eaten by a dinosaur.)
You’re welcome, Universal.
Mike Ryan has written for The Huffington Post, Wired, Vanity Fair and New York. He is senior entertainment writer at Uproxx. You can contact him directly on Twitter.