I’m sure Michael Fassbender will be fine as Steve Jobs. He’s got the piercing eyes, and the gravitas, and a talented director in Danny Boyle guiding the performance, and really everything else you could ever want to take on the role of the visionary, mercurial Apple founder. And he looks great in a black turtleneck and glasses. He’ll be fine. He’ll be fine.
But I wouldn’t be doing my job as a pop-culture critic if I didn’t bring something to your attention here. There’s really no reason we couldn’t have let Jason Statham play Steve Jobs.
Like, that was an option. Before any of the roles were cast, when the whole movie was nothing but words on the page, someone could have sent the script to Jason Statham and offered him the role. Everything else could have stayed exactly the same. Watch this trailer and imagine all of the Sorkin-scribed words being said by Jason Statham — in his regular voice, making no attempt to do an American accent — instead of Michael Fassbender, and then try to tell me you wouldn’t watch that movie.
“Oi sat in GAR-age an’ infented the future.” Oscars here we come.
But maybe you’re still skeptical. Maybe you’ve seen the trailers and now have your heart fully set on Fassbender in the Sorkin/Boyle version of the movie. Maybe you read my idea and said “Interesting, but I’ll pass.” That’s fine, too. You’re wrong, but it’s fine. It was just an exercise in hypotheticals anyway, as the movie’s been shot and edited, and it’s too late to do anything but dream Statham into the role. But this brings me to my second point…
Another Steve Jobs movie. A new one. One directed by Guy Ritchie. A full Statham one. Something like this:
APPLE BOARD MEMBER: Steve, your actions over the past few months have been unacceptable and detrimental to the company. We have taken a vote and decided to remove you as chairman.
JASON STATHAM AS STEVE JOBS: [karate chops board member, rendering him unconscious] Oi fink not.
Then, chaos. A 20-minute, meticulously choreographed fight scene between Steve Jobs and the rest of the Apple board that takes place — for reasons that go unexplained — outside, at night, during a driving thunderstorm. One that ends with Steve as the last man standing, still the head of Apple, with dead bodies scattered all around him in the mud. And then he invents the Mac. And then the prototype falls into the hands of London crime lord Victor St. Aspen, and Jobs and Steve Wozniak (Vinnie Jones) have to go get it back, by any means necessary. Or something. I’m just spitballing here. I’m sure Guy Ritchie and Jason Statham will figure it out.
Now, I hear you. You’re reading all of this and saying, “Uh, first of all, this is stupid. It’s not even remotely historically accurate. Why even call the character ‘Steve Jobs’ if you’re just going to have him be a vengeance-seeking martial-arts expert with a British accent? And second, Jason Statham would make a terrible Steve Jobs, even if you stuck to the actual facts. Steve Jobs was one of the most important figures of the last 100 years. We should treat his story with respect.”
Certainly a fair set of concerns. Allow me to respond to them, in order:
- Your face is stupid.
- We let Ashton Kutcher play Steve Jobs a few years ago.
I think I’ve made my point. Let’s let Jason Statham play Steve Jobs.
