In a story of Black Mirror-level proportions, yesterday, a bear was accused of raping Leonardo DiCaprio. Twice. Sure, it was allegedly in his new movie, The Revenant, a yet-to-be released Oscar contender that may or may not touch on the darkness of man-bear sexuality. So it was really anyone’s guess, besides of course the people who had actually seen the movie. But let’s back up and take a look at at the timeline of how we got to the point of “bear rape” and “Leonardo DiCaprio” being in the same headline on numerous online publications.
The seven-hour frenzy started when the disturbing news appeared on Drudge Report at 11:00 a.m. ET with the headline “DICAPRIO RAPED BY BEAR IN FOX MOVIE“. (Which Fox movie? Maybe it was Alvin And The Chipmunks: The Road Chip.) The grizzly scene was said to be seen in theaters, which caused some movie-goers to walk out because of the brutality. Roger Friedman described the attack on his blog, Showbiz411, saying that the animal “dry humps” DiCaprio’s character. A Vanity Fair writer speculated that the blog was the source of the Drudge article. Within hours, the story blew up, with many news sites refuting the unbearable claims while a few others confirmed the bear rape. We even conducted a thorough investigation into the matter and left the bear rape box unchecked. Finally, after seven hours of tense speculation, a Fox spokesperson put the rumor to bed, letting us know the movie contains a complete lack of bear rape.
But maybe this was all a major conspiracy, and that brutal scene is on the cutting room floor. We may never know the truth, but for now, we have to accept the completely platonic relationship between Leo and the grouchy bear. However, here are some other Leonardo DiCaprio movies that I’m also pretty sure do not contain bear rape:
- The Quick And The Dead
- Inception (or at least I think it doesn’t…)
- All others
Will you be watching The Revenant to see the scene for yourself?