If Home Alone has a single Christmas message — besides don’t forget your kids and appreciate your family, blah, blah, blah — it’s that heroes are born out of adversity. At the beginning of Home Alone, Kevin McCallister was simply the family runt who couldn’t pack his own suitcase and was denied a single slice of cheese pizza. But by the end of those 90 minutes, he was a survivor. A warrior. A blonde-haired, 9-year-old John Rambo if you will. Sure, it was later revealed that he grew up to be a psychopath, but being deserted by family twice will do that to a boy.
We all know that Kevin defies the odds and proves to his family he’s not completely helpless, but would the other young McCallisters have been so lucky? Let’s take a moment to ponder just how well Buzz, Fuller, Linnie, and the others in the McCallister clan would have fared had it been them who had to defend the home from Harry and Marv.
Fuller and Brooke McCallister
Had brother and sister Brooke and Fuller McCallister been left behind, Home Alone would have taken a drastically dark turn. There’s no way these two kids would have made it more than half a day before succumbing to the perils of non-adult-supervised life. Neither one can do much more than stare at Harry with a deer in the headlights look when he stops by to case the place, and Fuller’s only known character trait is Pepsi-guzzling followed by bed-wetting. None of this gives any sort of credit to their chances of surviving alone for three days.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that we’re all on the same page concerning Kevin’s cousin Rod’s chances of survival. We don’t get to know Rod too well, but the kid doesn’t exactly give off a house warrior vibe. We see Rod tapping on the glass of the aquarium where Buzz keeps his tarantula, peering out the window at Old Man Marley and then giving Kevin the evil eye in the kitchen. Not exactly a lot to go on. Judging a book by its cover, though, the Wet Bandits would have probably shoved Rod in a closet without even bothering to lock it and then taken their time with cleaning out the place.
Kevin’s sister Linnie doesn’t appear to get picked on by Buzz and Jeff in the way that Kevin does, but given that she has two older brothers, it’s unlikely she’s a pushover. Having to put up with Buzz and Jeff year-round might give her an advantage over some of the others in the event that she was left home alone — for a while at least. Linnie might have done okay those first couple of days, and Harry and Marv would have been the true test to whether it was she who was truly the “incompetént” one.
Kevin’s older brother Jeff isn’t as harsh of a bully as Buzz, but he’s still one of Kevin’s tormentors nonetheless. How Jeff would fare is sort of a toss-up. He’s not quite as young and helpless as some of the other children in the McCallister clan, but he never really shows any real sense of maturity. We really don’t even see much of Jeff other than him ganging up on Kevin after the pizza incident and when he hurls his packed suitcase down the stairs. Maybe he’d do alright in the beginning, but once the Wet Bandits launched their attack, his chances of survival would probably be 50/50.
Heather’s a college student, so one would hope she’d be capable of surviving alone in a giant house with a stocked kitchen for a few days. If anything, the only concerning factor for Kevin’s parents might be if Heather trashed their pad by inviting friends over for a house party — which would’ve made Home Alone an entirely different movie. Now, had the Wet Bandits shown up, there might have been trouble. I say this only because if the girl can’t correctly do a headcount of the number of children in the airport shuttle, there’s no way she can launch a strategic home defense plan.