Shocking nobody, Nine Lives, the movie in which Kevin Spacey plays a cat, did not screen early for critics. My editor mentioned I should pay to see Nine Lives then write about it. Personally, I thought this was a lousy idea. Anyway, on Friday morning, I saw Nine Lives in the basement of a movie theater on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. I honestly knew nothing about Nine Lives other than Kevin Spacey plays a cat. And right before I left to see this movie, I was told it was directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, which I don’t believe.
While I watched Nine Lives, I kept a running diary. Here’s how that all went:
11:00 a.m.: There are many more people here than I expected to see Nine Lives first thing in the morning. Maybe 25. I am shocked.
11:03 a.m.: This movie is literally playing in a basement.
11:13 a.m.: I just realized every person at this movie has a child with them except me.
11:20 a.m.: Nine Lives starts with a series of internet cat videos.
11:22 a.m.: Kevin Spacey is parachuting out of an airplane over New York City.
11:22 a.m.: What is this? I thought Kevin Spacey played a cat? I thought this was Look Who’s Talking only with a cat.
11:25 a.m.: Jennifer Garner is also in this movie. I literally had no idea.
11:27 a.m.: Kevin Spacey plays a mean businessman named Tom Brand who is trying to build the tallest building in the Western hemisphere.
11:28 a.m.: Kevin Spacey says he hates cats. I bet that attitude will come back to haunt him in some way.
11:33 a.m.: Kevin Spacey’s daughter wants a cat for her birthday. He’s now at a supernatural cat store. I refuse to try to understand what’s happening.
11:34 a.m.: Christopher Walken is also in this movie. Of course he is.
11:38 a.m.: Scenes transition with crazy zoom in from far away CGI. It reminds me of the Daredevil movie. This is a movie about Kevin Spacey turning into a cat.
11:40 a.m.: Kevin Spacey finally turns into a cat. This happens when he falls off his skyscraper. I am not making this up. There is also lightning, but the lightning didn’t seem to have anything to do with it.
“Hey, so how do we make the transition to Kevin Spacey being a cat?”
“Well, lightning is always an option. People seem to buy into the fact that it can have supernatural consequences.”
“That seems too obvious. What if, hear me out, Kevin Spacey is plunging to his death from the top of the tallest building in the Western hemisphere and that turns him into a cat?”
“Kids will love that.”
11:43 a.m.: Christopher Walken plays a cat whisperer.
11:43 a.m.: I can’t decide if Jackson Galaxy would love or hate this movie.
11:44 a.m.: Kevin Spacey is now referred to as Mr. Fuzzypants.
11:45 a.m.: Mr. Fuzzypants is trying to use a pen in an effort to tell his wife he’s Kevin Spacey.
11:46 a.m.: This movie is just constant cat screaming.
11:46 a.m.: The cat is now drinking booze.
11:47 a.m.: The cat is drunk. The children in this theater seem confused.
11:47 a.m.: I want to go home.
11:49 a.m.: This is excruciating.
11:50 a.m.: I wish I were catching Pokemon.
11:54 a.m.: The cat made a Botox joke.
11:55 a.m.: This is hell.
11:55 a.m.: I am in hell.
11:56 a.m.: Hell exists and I am there.
11:58 a.m.: Kevin Spacey just peed in Cheryl Hines’ purse.
12:04 p.m.: For the past few minutes, I just replayed a scene from Mannequin in my head and I was much happier.
12:08 p.m.: I just watched a scene of Jennifer Garner chasing around a cat who had her car keys, then she hits her head on a stairwell and falls down.
12:10 p.m.: How long can this movie possibly be?
12:10 p.m.: T.G.I.F.
12:12 p.m.: You see, Kevin Spacey is learning how to be more human by being a cat.
12:14 p.m.: While Kevin Spacey is a cat, his body is at the hospital in a coma. There’s a subplot about the new person in charge trying to sell the company. Kids love subplots about corporate espionage.
12:14 p.m.: I’m going to stop writing things down for awhile.
12:20 p.m.: This movie has only been on for an hour.
12:25 p.m.: I’m starting to rethink my opinions on Suicide Squad.
12:26 p.m.: “Is this cat my dad?”
12:28 p.m.: “And the Oscar goes to … Nine Lives”
12:30 p.m.: I think there’s a 40 percent chance I’m dreaming this movie.
12:31 p.m.: Back to the subplot, Kevin Spacey’s adult son has decided he’s going to jump off the building in an effort to ruin the plan to sell the company.
12:32 p.m.: That’s really his plan.
12:33 p.m.: I can’t believe this is the plot.
12:33 p.m.: There’s now a 60 percent chance I’m dreaming this.
12:35 p.m.: Kevin Spacey’s son jumped off the building. Kevin Spacey, as a cat, jumped, too. They are both falling side by side and the son says, “Mr. Fuzzypants?”
12:36 p.m.: This movie does not exist. It’s a figment of my imagination.
12:38 p.m.: I’m pretty sure Lil’ Bub is in this movie.
12:39 p.m.: I just saw “Lil’ Bub” listed in the credits.
12:40 p.m.: On the way out, I heard a child say, “That was dumb.”
Mike Ryan lives in New York City and has written for The Huffington Post, Wired, Vanity Fair and New York magazine. He is senior entertainment writer at Uproxx. You can contact him directly on Twitter.