Let’s be truthful in this sacred web space and acknowledge that the answer to this question is probably, “My damn self,” because who among us hasn’t dreamed of being a starship captain? You were probably doing it today while filing things at work. But in the name of tapping the nostalgia vein, let’s just say that you’re some kind of pampered space official on board said ship. Someone who has zipped through the stars as a space pirate and now just wants to chill out in the holodeck while someone else makes the hard decisions. So, who you got? We asked our writers and they came back with a motley crew’s worth of choices.
Yes, Mal was the man in charge, but Zoe kept the lights of Serenity on. She’ll make the tough decisions, get everyone home safely, and come home to Wash every night (BECAUSE HE ISN’T DEAD IN THIS FANTASY!). Would you want anyone else running your ship other than big damn heroes? Absolutely not. With Zoe at the helm, you’ll rule the ‘verse. -Alyssa Fikse
A man whose strategy for dealing with a malevolent trickster god is “Talk sh*t get hit” is a man I’d follow anywhere. -Dan Seitz
Dog Wearing Sunglasses
Look, I don’t know how science works, so if I’m going into space it’s to party with a cool dog. Exploring strange new worlds and seeking out new civilizations is great and all, but I was told there would be space pizza and space malt liquor at this shindig. Mutiny is out of the question. -Dan MacRae
Pawnee’s Mayor Walter Gunderson From Parks And Recreation
How best to describe Mayor Walter Gunderson, Pawnee’s fearless, absent leader on Parks and Recreation? Maybe “fearless” isn’t the best word, but “absent” fits the bill just nicely. (That, and the fact he’s a dead ringer for Bill Murray.) Gunderson operated in the background, making sure things were never happening as they should — yet Leslie Knope’s department always seemed to just barely eek past the finish line in the end. Hence why he’d be the perfect captain for my starship — never there, and never interrupting my own interruptions of duty. –Andrew Husband
In terms of captain-ing, perhaps most people wouldn’t want an eye-liner laden pirate with a weebly walk and a penchant for booze and tarts. But, I would. In fact, I do. I don’t care even the tiniest bit about going into space, so I am taking comfort in the fact that Jack Sparrow would keep me good and drunk. Along these same lines, I would also be willing to travel with Captain Morgan. As I see it, the scale tips in favor of Sparrow because he comes with Mr. Gibbs, upon whom I have a mad, passionate crush. –Alia Stearns
I gotta go with Chris Pratt, or specifically his character Peter Quill from Guardians of the Galaxy. The dude is a rockstar when it comes to leading space missions against evil forces that threaten the galaxy, and he’d probably always have a killer music playlist going on the ship. Plus, he’s has a pretty stellar rapport with other alien lifeforms, which is a definite must for any starship commander. –Bennett Hawkins
Captain Ron knows about ships and space is the same as the ocean, basically. Captain Ron is fun for the whole family, knows how to get out of a tough situation when pirates are involved, and he’s someone who would surely make the ship death proof. He’s also secretly Snake Plissken, Jack Burton, and Lt. Gabriel Cash. Yeah, Captain Ron will do just fine. –Jason Tabrys
So, who would you want as your captain?