I know absolutely nothing about Serenity. While I was tucked away in the mountains of Utah for the Sundance Film Festival, the whole Serenity phenomena passed me by.
Okay, saying I know “nothing” isn’t 100 percent true. Here’s what I know about Serenity: I know that it stars both Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway. I know there’s some sort of twist. I also know Anne Hathaway wasn’t happy with the way this film has been marketed. And I’m pretty sure it’s set in space? [Note from after I saw the movie: It is not set in space.]
So, anyway, curiosity and my better judgment and cabin fever* has gotten the best of me, so early on Thursday morning I bought a ticket to see Serenity because I must see what this crazy twist is for myself. While watching, I kept a running diary of my experience. Here’s how this all went:
(There will probably be spoilers ahead so if you are saving the secrets of Serenity for yourself, be warned.)
10:20 a.m.: While paying for my ticket to Serenity I found a movie gift card in my wallet. It has a picture of Shrek Forever After on it. I have my doubts this will work.
10:20 a.m.: The Shrek Forever After gift card did not work.
10:21 a.m.: The woman who took my ticket tells me, “Serenity? Okay, you’re going to want to go in the theater that says it’s playing Free Solo.”
10:24 a.m.: Two other human beings in my neighborhood woke up this morning and decided, “I’m going to see Serenity.”
10:25 a.m.: The twist is Serenity is actually Free Solo.
10:28 a.m.: Matthew McConaughey is a boat captain.
10:30 a.m.: Matthew McConaughey is trying to catch a tuna.
10:30 a.m.: I’m having my doubts this movie is set in space.
10:32 a.m.: Diane Lane is in this movie.
10:34 a.m.: Matthew McConaughey is obsessed with catching this one specific tuna.
10:35 a.m.: At a bar, Matthew McConaughey slams his drink down and declares that the tuna’s name is Justice. I only can assume named after former Atlanta Braves outfielder David Justice.
10:40 a.m.: My guess for the twist is Diane Lane is secretly the tuna.
10:42 a.m.: I cannot believe how many times the word “tuna” has been spoken already during the course of this movie.
10:44 a.m.: Anne Hathaway has shown up and she’s acting mysterious.
10:46 a.m.: I wish there wasn’t a twist. I wish this movie was just about Matthew McConaughey catching a tuna.
10:46 a.m.: When do they go to space?
10:47 a.m.: Two Oscar winners agreed to be in this movie.
10:48 a.m.: Anne Hathaway wants Matthew McConaughey, her ex, to murder her current husband while fishing for tuna. If I’ve seen the old “tuna murder” trope in a movie once I’ve seen it a million times.
10:49 a.m.: Tuna. The chicken of the sea. This movie is about tuna.
10:52 a.m.: Jason Clarke is in this movie.
10:53 a.m.: Fifteen years ago this kind of movie could hurt careers, but since no one sees movies anymore it doesn’t really matter. Everyone will be fine.
10:57 a.m.: Why does everyone keep talking about cats?
10:50 a.m.: Matthew McConaughey finds Diane Lane’s cat and, as a reward, she has sex with him.
11:01 a.m.: Diane Lane just told Matthew McConaughey that his son can mysteriously hear him through a computer screen.
11:01 a.m.: So I guess Matthew McConaughey is in a simulation? Is that the twist?
11:02 a.m.: Also I love the movie wants the audience to think there’s something supernatural going on here, a crazy supernatural power that can easily be recreated with modern technology. “He can hear you on his computer! Spooky!”
11:07 a.m.: This movie proves we all live in a simulation. It’s a message from our simulation overlords.
11:13 a.m.: I can’t decide if I hate or love this movie. Just like the simulator controlling me knew I’d feel.
11:15 a.m.: Though, people in real life don’t all talk this cryptically.
11:24 a.m.: I honestly believed this movie was set in space.
11:25 a.m.: I officially got the twist right. The one about the simulation, not the one about Diane Lane being a tuna. Though, I suppose that could still happen.
11:26 a.m.: A tuna salesman showed up to explain the whole plot of the movie.
11:26 a.m.: In that previous sentence, I’ve never used those words in that order before until now.
11:28 a.m.: Matthew McConaughey is a character in a game called Catch the Tuna.
11:28 a.m.: Could you imagine buying this game? “I’ll purchase Red Dead Redemption 2, Madden ’20, and Catch the Tuna please.
11:30 a.m.: I hope this movie wins a Nobel Prize.
11:32 a.m.: Yes, the problem with this movie is for sure the marketing. Yes, just that.
11:35 a.m.: Somewhere, right now, my simulation overlord is watching me watch a movie about being in a simulation and my overlord is worried I’m about to figure this whole thing out.
11:35 a.m.: My overlord is talking to the overlords of the other two people in here right now, “Maybe we shouldn’t have let them see this.”
11:38 a.m.: I’m convinced Matthew McConaughey isn’t acting. They dropped him on an island and told him he’s in a simulation and now he believes it.
11:39 a.m.: The twist is this movie is a reality show.
11:40 a.m.: I wonder if my Pokémon Go character realizes he’s in a game?
11:41 a.m.: “Why do I have to keep catching these Pokémon? That’s literally all I do!”
11:41 a.m.: “What if today, instead of catching Pokémon, I murdered my ex-wife’s husband on a tuna boat?”
11:44 a.m.: “We are such stuff as dreams are made of”—a line of dialogue just spoken during Serenity.
11:46 a.m.: The tuna salesman is explaining the plot again, just in case you didn’t catch it the first time.
11:50 a.m.: Simulation Matthew McConaughey still wants to catch this tuna.
11:54 a.m.: I can’t get over the fact anyone agreed to be in this movie. These are legitimate famous people in this movie.
11:55 a.m.: Why did my simulation overlord make me see this?
12:01 p.m.: I’ve never before loved a movie I’ve hated this much.
12:02 p.m.: Tuna.
12:05 a.m.: Serenity has ended. All three of us in here are still in our seats. No one wants to be the first one to leave.
12:06 p.m.: I have no idea what’s waiting for me on the other side of this door.
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