I know absolutely nothing about Serenity. While I was tucked away in the mountains of Utah for the Sundance Film Festival, the whole Serenity phenomena passed me by.
Okay, saying I know “nothing” isn’t 100 percent true. Here’s what I know about Serenity: I know that it stars both Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway. I know there’s some sort of twist. I also know Anne Hathaway wasn’t happy with the way this film has been marketed. And I’m pretty sure it’s set in space? [Note from after I saw the movie: It is not set in space.]
So, anyway, curiosity and my better judgment and cabin fever* has gotten the best of me, so early on Thursday morning I bought a ticket to see Serenity because I must see what this crazy twist is for myself. While watching, I kept a running diary of my experience. Here’s how this all went:
(There will probably be spoilers ahead so if you are saving the secrets of Serenity for yourself, be warned.)
10:20 a.m.: While paying for my ticket to Serenity I found a movie gift card in my wallet. It has a picture of Shrek Forever After on it. I have my doubts this will work.
10:20 a.m.: The Shrek Forever After gift card did not work.
10:21 a.m.: The woman who took my ticket tells me, “Serenity? Okay, you’re going to want to go in the theater that says it’s playing Free Solo.”
10:24 a.m.: Two other human beings in my neighborhood woke up this morning and decided, “I’m going to see Serenity.”
10:25 a.m.: The twist is Serenity is actually Free Solo.
10:28 a.m.: Matthew McConaughey is a boat captain.
10:30 a.m.: Matthew McConaughey is trying to catch a tuna.
10:30 a.m.: I’m having my doubts this movie is set in space.
10:32 a.m.: Diane Lane is in this movie.
10:34 a.m.: Matthew McConaughey is obsessed with catching this one specific tuna.
10:35 a.m.: At a bar, Matthew McConaughey slams his drink down and declares that the tuna’s name is Justice. I only can assume named after former Atlanta Braves outfielder David Justice.
10:40 a.m.: My guess for the twist is Diane Lane is secretly the tuna.
10:42 a.m.: I cannot believe how many times the word “tuna” has been spoken already during the course of this movie.
10:44 a.m.: Anne Hathaway has shown up and she’s acting mysterious.
10:46 a.m.: I wish there wasn’t a twist. I wish this movie was just about Matthew McConaughey catching a tuna.
10:46 a.m.: When do they go to space?
10:47 a.m.: Two Oscar winners agreed to be in this movie.
10:48 a.m.: Anne Hathaway wants Matthew McConaughey, her ex, to murder her current husband while fishing for tuna. If I’ve seen the old “tuna murder” trope in a movie once I’ve seen it a million times.
10:49 a.m.: Tuna. The chicken of the sea. This movie is about tuna.
10:52 a.m.: Jason Clarke is in this movie.
10:53 a.m.: Fifteen years ago this kind of movie could hurt careers, but since no one sees movies anymore it doesn’t really matter. Everyone will be fine.