Movies

Maybe The World Needs A Stoner Version Of ‘The Expendables’

American Ultra — which came out on Friday — has Jesse Eisenberg playing a stoner who is, in fact, a sleeper agent for the U.S. government. His character’s just one guy, though. What if there was a whole team of stoners just like him, sprung from their couches by a trigger word so quickly that it kicks up a cloud of Dorito dust. Their mission? To take on terrorists and other threats to the free world. Well, there really aren’t a lot of guys just like him, but there are certainly plenty of potheads across film history that could step-up and fill the roles the world needs them to.

So, what stoner superheroes this side of Cheech and Chong would make up this rag tag team?

The Leader – The Dude (The Big Lebowski)

For a guy who would rather not be doing anything, Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski is a guy who can get things done. When Jackie Treehorn’s thugs force their way into his apartment and — *ahem* — damage his prize rug, does The Dude just sit there and take it? Well, actually, yes. But, afterwards, he springs into action and gets himself a new rug — from the very same guy the thugs were looking for.

The Charisma – Kumar (Harold and Kumar)

Every team needs a Faceman. Someone who is charismatic and can talk their way out of any situation. For this team it’s Kumar, from the Harold & Kumar films. He’s got a way with words and can talk people into doing just about anything. After all, he got Harold to smoke in the first place, didn’t he?

The Badass – Marty Mikalski (The Cabin In The Woods)

Marty might come across like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, but don’t be fooled — he’ll take out anybody who threatens his friends. Extremely intelligent and resourceful, Marty survived an attack from a vicious, bloodthirsty zombie — and then killed it with a travel mug/bong. After a night in The Cabin In The Woodssaving the world might not seem so difficult, assuming Marty’s down for such a thing.

The Driver – Saul (Pineapple Express)

Pineapple Express has been billed as the first “stoner action movie” — and it’s got the car chases to prove it. When Saul hijacks a police car to save himself and Dale (Seth Rogen), you expect him to screw it up, but the guy finds a way to best a determined Rosie Perez, despite a slushie obscured windshield, going to far as to put a foot through the glass in an effort to improve visibility. Pretty sure he can pilot the “Bong Bus,” which is the name I gave to the team’s ride.

The Loose Cannon – Kenny Powers (Eastbound and Down)

Kenny Powers, the lovable reprobate pro ballplayer from Eastbound & Down (with lovable being a relative term, I suppose), certainly has the skills to get him a spot on the team, even though he’s more a “whatever’s on the table” kind of drug user and less a “pot-head.” He’s an athlete (yes, relief pitchers are still technically athletes) and he certainly lacks shame, so it won’t be too difficult to get him to go on missions — provided you can play to his ego well enough. But, he’s also dumb as a bag of hammers and tends to act before he thinks, putting him square in “wild card” territory.

The Muscle – Gutter (PCU)

Big, tough, and kind of dumb, especially when lit up, PCU‘s Gutter not only has the actual strength to get things done, but can also be intimidating when he needs to be. Just don’t ask him to “blow you where them Pampers is”. Or, actually, go ahead and ask. It’ll probably be hilarious.

The Rookie – Craig (Friday)

By the end of Friday, (pssssssst… spoilers) Craig Jones has knocked out the neighborhood bully, got the girl, and earned the respect of his father. What’s next but to join up with the stoner Expendables? Every team needs a “new guy” and Craig seems like the perfect fit. Especially if they need someone hit with a brick.

Smokey can’t come, though.

The Money – Jay and Silent Bob

Someone needs to fund this operation, and who better then the two richest stoners outside of Cheech and Chong? Following both Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and Clerks II, the twosome have enough movie money to not only fly around the country, beating up anyone who talks s**t about them online, but to also fund the rebuilding of the Quick Stop. So, clearly, they’ve got some funds. If it’s a good cause, you can probably rely on these two to help you out. Maybe even if it’s not that great of a cause, come to think of it.

There are only so many spots to fill on the team. Who’s on yours?

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