Abstinence-only education is a scourge on our country, a collective GOP delusion that creates higher teen-birth rates and highly ignorant teens. When adolescents don’t fully understand how babies are made, they don’t know how to not make babies. Because adolescents are stupid. And they’re gonna have sex. And sex is confusing. Life is confusing!
It is with this in mind that I bring you the first trailer for Storks, a confusing movie about how babies are made. Which is via storks. Or, wait, no, in the world of Storks, storks used to create and deliver babies? Now they don’t. But they wish they could create and deliver babies again, and apparently they will, according to this trailer. Meanwhile, they “deliver packages for global Internet giant Cornerstone.com.” Sure! Why not? But things go haywire at the stork factory when Junior, “the company’s top delivery stork,” accidentally activates the “Baby Making Machine, producing an adorable and wholly unauthorized baby girl,” which he must deliver post-haste.
Ostensibly, this movie is going to be marketed towards young kids, many of whom have parents who don’t want to talk to them about sex and will instead eagerly drop them off at this movie and be like, “Hey, now you know how babies are made! Our work here is done,” and then a few years later, the kids will start hearing things at school, and be like, “But what about Storks? I thought, like, storks…?” and their friends will laugh at them and tell them about sex, if they’re lucky, but still nobody will really explain anything correctly, and then a few years later, they’ll have actual sex, and get pregnant, and have a child and have to raise it as a single parent and give up their dreams, and the baby will grow up watching its disillusioned young parent struggle just to get by, and eventually move out, leaving said parent to die alone and miserable, watching reruns of Storks on ABC Family, which is now called ABC Family Values, because in this terrible version of the universe, the butterfly effect of this particular teen pregnancy caused Donald Trump to became president.
General life-ruining aside, Storks looks cute. Kelsey Grammer, Keegan-Michael Key, Jordan Peele, and Andy Samberg have all lent their voices to the film, and Nicholas Stoller — the mind behind Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which is truly incredible and very instructive in the ways of reproduction — is writing and co-directing. The movie hits theaters September 2016, so bring your kids, or don’t. I don’t care, but either way, please explain contraception to them at some point.