Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby is a story about how a great American champion with a smokin’ hot blonde wife became a better, more American-y champion with a smokin’ hot redhead girlfriend. If you want to be a champion like Ricky Bobby, that’s too bad, because only so many people can piss excellence. But if you want to be a perpetual 2nd place finisher like Cal Naughton Jr. (which is basically the same as finishing in last place), you might want to watch and repeatedly recite the best Talladega Nights quotes.
“If you ain’t first, you’re last.” — Ricky Bobby
Like all great catchphrases, this one’s brilliance exists within its simplicity. It’s no nonsense and technically accurate.
“Dear Lord Baby Jesus, or as our brothers to the south call you, Jesús, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino’s, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family, my two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, or T.R. as we call him, and of course, my red-hot smoking wife, Carly who is a stone-cold fox.” — Ricky Bobby
“I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip’s war medals off the bridge.” — Walker
“Chip, I’m gonna come at you like a spider-monkey!” — Texas Ranger
“I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt, cause it says, like, I want to be formal but I want to party too. Cause I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.” — Cal Naughton Jr.
“We go together like cocaine and waffles.” — Cal Naughton Jr.
“We keep it on there for profiling purposes! We’ve also got The Pet Shop Boys and Seal.” — Bartender
“Shake and bake!” — Cal Naughton Jr.
“What is that, a catchphrase or is that epilepsy?” — Jean Girard
“Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me! Help me Oprah Winfrey!” — Ricky Bobby
“I spread my butt cheeks as Mike Honcho.” — Cal Naughton Jr.
“I hope that both of you have sons… Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.” — Ricky Bobby
“Don’t you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby!” — Lucius Washington
“You’ve gotta cross over the anger bridge and come back to the friendship shore.” — Cal Naughton Jr.
“Are we about to get it on? Because I’m as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.” — Ricky Bobby
“You gotta learn to drive with the fear, and there ain’t nothing more God damn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car.” — Reese Bobby
“Chew big red, or get out of my face motherf*cker.” — Ricky Bobby
“From now on, it’s Magic Man and El Diablo.” — Ricky Bobby