What If Bruce Springsteen Reviewed ‘The Boss’?

04.06.16 3 years ago 4 Comments

I was trying to write a review of the new Melissa McCarthy comedy, The Boss, but I kept getting distracted because I kept thinking about Bruce Springsteen. I’ve seen Bruce Springsteen in concert 21 times and twice on his current tour. I will be seeing him again later this month. When I told my editor I was seeing the movie version of The Boss, he replied, “Oh, Springsteen again. Have fun.” Then I had to explain, “No, the Melissa McCarthy movie.” What a mix-up! So, as I think about the movie version of The Boss, I can’t help but wonder what Bruce Springsteen would think of this movie. Ahead is my best guess of what a Bruce Springsteen review of The Boss would look like if he were delivering it at a concert. Anyway, I’m sorry.

So, thanks for comin’ out tonight. Before we get to the next song, I want to share a few thoughts on a new movie comin’ out soon called The Boss. It stars a really funny lady named Melissa McCarthy. You should check her out.

So, I remember when I was 13, I got into an argument with my dad. It was bad. Words were shared that probably shouldn’t be said. But that night, I went up to my room and I picked my guitar … and I played. I played all night. I played so long, my fingers started to get blisters. That morning, I saw my dad as he was on his way to the factory. He looked at me and I looked at him and we both nodded. I knew he knew what I felt. And I knew that he knew I knew how he felt. It was good. He liked movies.

A few years later I’m tourin’ with the band. You remember this Steve?

[Steven Van Zandt replies, “Yeah, Boss!”]

So I’m tourin’ with the band, and this older fella comes up to us and says, “I like your music.” I looked him back in the eye and said, “Thank you.” Turns out that fella was a man by the name of Peter Lawford. And he invited me to see his new movie, Rosebud. So I went. [Crowd cheers.] That movie starred an actor by the name of Peter O’Toole, who kinda reminded me of my dad. It was good. I enjoyed myself. I enjoy the cinema! [Crowd cheers.]

I was in a movie once. It’s called High Fidelity. Stars a tall fella by the name of John Cusack. I had a nice time. As it turns out, John and I both know people who have worked in factories. We bonded over that.

Hey, Steve!

[Steven Van Zandt replies, “Yeah, Boss!”]

Do you like movies?

[Steven Van Zandt replies, “Yeah, Boss!”]

Are you gonna see The Boss?

[Steven Van Zandt replies, “Yeah, Boss!”]

As I take my seat before the movie, this man sits down next to me named Willie. So, Willie asks me, “Are you scared?” And I looked deep in Willie’s eyes and I knew what he meant. This is the most important election of our lives and with so much at stake, I knew where Willie was comin’ from. So I look back at Willie and I tell him, “Mister, you bet I’m scared.” Then I took out a guitar and I played. I played that guitar until that movie started.

[Steven Van Zandt asks, “So how was the movie, Boss?”]

It’s okay. I laughed a few times.

[Steven Van Zandt asks, “Should I see The Boss, Boss?”]

I’ve seen worse. If you’ve got money burning a hole in your pocket, there are worse ways to spend an afternoon. It’s about a hard workin’ woman named Michelle who loses her company after some trouble with the law. Down on her luck, like a lot of hard workin’ folks out there, she starts a new company selling cookies. This is called the American Dream, but it’s nightmare for a lot of good people out there. Especially when this fella’ played by that Peter Dinklage comes a knockin’, the same fella responsible for her losing her first company, and she has to fight him off. I laughed a few times. But not enough for my taste. It’s a pretty violent and weird movie and a lot of hard workin’ men and women might find it all a bit too much. At one point, Michelle shoves some cookies up another woman’s ass. That reminds me … One, two, three, four! On a rattlesnake speedway in the Utah desert, I pick up my money and head back into town…

Mike Ryan lives in New York City and has written for The Huffington Post, Wired, Vanity Fair and New York magazine. He is senior entertainment writer at Uproxx. You can contact him directly on Twitter.

Around The Web