On Sunday, the long anticipated poster for Star Wars: The Force Awakens was released. There are many secrets and twists and surprises buried among these images. Ahead, we will break down what it all means… because it means a lot. This is all very, very important.
Even though the artist for The Force Awakens poster hasn’t been announced, the first thing we notice when we look at the poster is the undeniable work of Thomas Kinkade. Now, Kinkade died in 2012, but not before he could be commissioned for one last glorious masterpiece that really hones in on his strengths; people did not refer to him as the Painter of Light for no reason. And in this poster, there’s plenty of light – just look how bright that light is in the center of the poster. I can barely look at it, it’s so bright. Only the Painter of Light could paint a light that bright. Another Kinkade masterpiece.
Here we see Harrison Ford and Annette Bening reprising their roles from Regarding Henry. It’s been 24 years since we last left Henry and Sarah Turner, and, from the look of this poster, much has changed. The pistol that Henry is holding makes us think he’s out for some sort of revenge, which probably has something to do with the convenience store robbery that took away the dickish side of Henry’s personality. It’s a little surprising to see Henry and Sarah in this setting, but you’re forgetting that J.J. Abrams wrote Regarding Henry, so this is a fitting tribute.
Much has been made about Andy Serkis’ role in The Force Awakens, but little is known. Finally, with this poster, we see what the master of motion capture acting has been working on for all these months.
Serkis is playing Laser Ball Man, a laser ball that floats through space. Only a genius like Serkis could achieve the intricacies needed to pull off his most complicated creation yet, Laser Ball Man. When we see Laser Ball Man fire his laser in the movie, what’s really happening is this: Serkis, the master, drinks a glass of water. But instead of swallowing, he holds it in his mouth for just the right moment. Then, blammo, he spits it out towards the camera. In post-production, the spit water becomes a laser.
We don’t know a lot about The Force Awakens’ villain, The Masked Magician, but this poster makes it clear he will be spoiling a lot of magic tricks during this movie and the heroes and Henry and Sarah Turner must stop him.
Big Foot, played by Harry from Harry and the Hendersons, will play a major role in The Force Awakens, and now he’s hunting you!
There is no information on these characters — a complete mystery. They both look evil, though. I sure wouldn’t want to cross their paths.
Daisy Ridley and John Boyega play two new characters: Stick Bedrock and Jacket McAlister. Stick is a master of stick fighting and wards off tough customers with her stick, while Jacket McAlister searches for his lost keys with his trusty flashlight. Near the end of the The Force Awakens, Stick and Jacket will face off against their greatest foe yet, Laser Ball Man.
Iron Man soars!
The evil Cylons.
Here we see what is obviously the new Death Star and its pilot, Johnny Pilot. Can the heroes regroup to take out this now third Death Star? We will have to wait until December to find out, but the new Death Star sure looks menacing, doesn’t it? Watch out, Henry Turner!
A character who needs no introduction: Luke Skywalker!
Mike Ryan has written for The Huffington Post, Wired, Vanity Fair and New York magazine. He is senior entertainment writer at Uproxx. You can contact him directly on Twitter.