Today In Insane ‘Star Wars’ Rumors: Who’s Supposedly Killing Whom?

Despite the fact that the franchise has been Lucy with the football for three straight movies, we nerds can’t stop obsessing over Star Wars. Even if that means writing fan endings to the movie and claiming they’re real. There will be possible spoilers beyond this point.

First off, here’s a video that both handily explains our ambivalence about these rumors and provides a block of space for those who want to go unspoiled:

OK, so, when we last checked in with the Star Wars rumor mill, Luke was evil and everything was terrible. We were skeptical at the time, but now a new, reliable source has come forward… Kidding! The latest rumor is from 4Chan, and collected by Nerd Reactor:

Luke brought a cataclysm to Tatooine soon after Return of the Jedi after he visited Anakin’s birthplace and for whatever reasons it’s changed him. It’s an even more desolate place now, there are meteor craters everywhere, you get the point, at first you won’t know that it’s even the Tatooine you’re looking at.
>Luke goes mad because he discovers he f***ing can’t control himself. He destroys everything around and kills people with his powers, unconsciously. He leaves his friends and lives in solitude on Mon Cal in a fortress of some f*** old sith lord because the dark side that clouds the place puts him in chains.
>Luke is now a Yoda + Paul Atreides, he f***ing sees the future, sees the past (that’s why the “flashback” scenes were filmed) and he’s basically a mentally unstable god.
>Nobody wants to have anything to do with him, but Han’s son (Adam Driver) wants to use Luke’s power for his own evil means.
>Luke has a premonition about the destruction that Han’s kid will bring in the future and decides to kill him.
>Han is obviously mad as f*** at Luke.
>There’s a huge fight. It’s everyone vs Luke (Luke has his father’s red lightsaber here, so it’s obviously visually implied that he’s the bad guy). This fight is epic as f***.
>”But Luke isn’t the villain! But everybody thinks he is! Oh no, such a twist! Such darkness! It’s like ESB all again!”
>Han kills Luke, because Luke allows him to, “he trusts him”.

But according to other anonymous commenters, the twist is the exact opposite!

Luke will not die. It’s the other way around.

There is a fight at the end. Luke wants to kill Driver and Han steps in. Luke then kills Han which brings Luke back to his sanity. Han with his dying words begs Luke to let Driver live, to trust him that everything will be alright and the he won’t succumb to the Dark Side.

The key message here appears to be that Han’s kid is kind of a douche. But aside from that, we’re busting out the salt.

Will Han or Luke die in Episode VII? It’s all but guaranteed, really. Pretty much every last thing we’ve heard about this movie boils down to “It’s A New Hope all over again,” and that movie happily punched the ticket of its most notable actor in the second act. Plus it’ll be a cheap way to shock the audience, and J.J. Abrams loves that. If I had to put down money, Han bites it, and that drives Han Jr. to the Dark Side while conveniently getting rid of the series’ most expensive actor.

That said, there are about a thousand ways to bump off Han or Luke that don’t involve them killing each other, and we’re skeptical that Lucas and Disney would go all grimdark on us. There’s just too much toy revenue to be made on Han costumes and Luke plushies. Similarly, the fact that there’s no mention of the Inquisitors, who are supposed to be the major bad guys of this movie, makes us arch an eyebrow.

No, if Han’s going out, Han’s going out in a blaze of glory, and he’s probably taking the Millennium Falcon with him. We’re guessing suicide mission; he might even tell Luke that he is, and always shall be, his friend.

But we’ll probably find out one way or the other soon enough. The trailer is hitting theaters on Black Friday, and the movie, of course, will be out in December 2015.