Vin Diesel — star of the Fast & Furious movies, returning star of xXx, noted thumbs-up-giver — now has 100 million Facebook fans. That is, from a purely mathematical perspective, a lot of Facebook fans. So many, in fact, that it makes him only the third person in the world to reach the figure, joining Shakira and Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo. What a fascinating group that is. I hope Mark Zuckerberg invites all of them over for dinner to celebrate and Vin Diesel spends the whole meal explaining how the third Fast & Furious movie, Tokyo Drift, is actually the sixth in the series, chronologically. I hope they stream it on Facebook Live. I want to see Shakira’s face while it happens.
But perhaps you’re still trying to wrap your head around the “100 million fans” thing. Perfectly understandable. Let me try to help put it all in perspective for you.
– If all of Vin Diesel’s Facebook fans decide to split off and form their own country, they would immediately become the 13th most populous country in the entire world, beating out countries like Egypt, Germany, and France. This country — let’s call it, oh, I don’t know, Dieselbourg — could become an economic and military giant almost overnight. If Vin Diesel installed himself as king, he would be one of the most powerful dictators in the world. Nations would have to consider Vin Diesel’s potential reaction before making major political decisions. There would be headlines in the Wall Street Journal like “Dow Jones Tumbles Amid Fears Vin Diesel Will Back Out Of Trade Agreement.” It would be hilarious.
– If, instead of splitting off to form their own country, all of Vin Diesel’s fans decide at the last minute to write him in for President in the 2016 election (and we’re just going to assume all of them are registered American voters in this hypothetical, because it’s fun), he would win in a legendary landslide. There were about 128 million total votes in the 2012 election. If we assume there will be a similar number this year and Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump split the remainder, he would win 78-11-11. Unsure of how exactly to signify which states he wins on election night, CNN could possibly resort to having Wolf Blitzer manually tape the picture at the top of this post on each state as it is called for Vin, until their entire fancy map is covered with pictures of Vin Diesel looking at us over his sunglasses. Pundits would be flabbergasted. Nate Silver would short circuit. This would also be hilarious.