On Friday, Vin Diesel’s new movie The Last Witch Hunter opens in theaters, and in it, he plays — as the title and movie posters might indicate — a badass witch hunter. This latest role is a bit of a change of pace from some of Diesel’s previous roles, like when he played a badass Army Private, or a badass spy for the NSA, or a badass stock broker, or a badass street racer, or even a badass Navy Seal slash nanny.
In an acting career that is still going strong after more than two decades, and one in which is often compared to his Fast 6 through 8 co-star, Dwayne Johnson, it got me thinking a little bit. “Brian,” I pondered aloud to myself, “which of these two men is the bigger badass: Diesel or The Rock?”
Good question, Brian. But to answer it, I’m afraid we can’t just compare Hollywood resumes. For this exercise, we’re going to have to really dig deep. We have to look into their most-recent social media output, their singing, their facial hair and wig games, and so much more.
So, to help get to the bottom of this once and for all, I have put together an objective and scientific point system based on five criteria, which breaks down like this:
- Did he show off a surprising ability to sing? (worth one point)
- Was he wearing a wig or ridiculous facial hair? (worth two points)
- Did he post something on social media that was practically universally enjoyed? (worth three points)
- Any good wrestling or breakdancing pictures/videos? (worth four points)
- Did you think to yourself while watching their movie, “Is this character supposed to be a real person, or is he actually a superhero?” (worth five points)
So, let’s get started. Who is the bigger badass?
The Case For Diesel:
- He once survived a bus crash that flipped over seven or eight times (five points).
- He drove a car through the nose of an airplane as it sped down the longest runway known to man (five points).
- He has the voice of an angel. Or, a guy named Angel, at least (one point).
- He’ll show off that voice to honor a loved one. More than once (five points).
- Only a true badass can pull off a hairpiece like this (two points).
- The ladies love his shower pics. And probably men do, too (three points).
- Four words: Death by tea cup (five points).
- He’s the best street-car racer west of the Mississippi. And probably the east (five points).
- He won’t leave a little girl behind in war-torn France (five points).
- He’s friends with Ronda Rousey (three points).
- It’s not just being in action movies that makes a person a badass. Sometimes, it’s just being a good dad (three points).
- He can parachute out of an airplane while wearing a snowboard, then land on a mountain and out-race an avalanche. And yes, that is a real sentence I just typed (five points).
- He features these ridiculous breakdancing moves (six points).
- He’ll put the look of fear into a bully’s eyes (five points).
The Case For The Rock:
- He can cut a rug (three points).
- He’s a hero to animals (three points).
- He once surprised his housekeeper with a new car (three points).
- His awkward teenage years don’t bother him (three points).
- He once broke a security guard’s hand during a handshake. (five points).
- He can lift one eyebrow at a time. Which may not seem like much of a feat, but we’ve all tried it to no avail (four points).
- He’s actually quite good at improvisational humor (five points).
- He’ll give you two choices, but both will result in you getting your ass kicked (five points).
- He would never consider skipping leg day (eight points).
- He’s not just brawn; he’s also quite versed in the martial arts (five points).
- He even looks menacing while rocking a fanny pack (three points).
- He once wore a beard made of yak pubes (two points).
- He, like Diesel, also has the voice of a guy named Angel (one point).
- And he even knows all of your favorite Christmas carols (one point).
- And he is also friends with Ronda Rousey. Are Diesel and The Rock the same guy (three points)?
- Random fans on the street don’t even mind when he hits them with his car (three points).
So, there you have it. Add them both up, and we have a winner.
The Verdict: Diesel wins, 58-57. Granted, I could have easily found one more example of The Rock being a badass and swung the verdict in the other direction. But this is my list, and my rules. Plus, if you disagree, well, your mistake is thinking you’re in America. Turns out, you’re a long way from home.
