Father’s Day got me thinking about movie dads. Specifically, bad ass movie dads like Sylvester Stallone’s Lincoln Hawk from Over the Top and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Harry Tasker from True Lies. These two dads would do anything for their only child, like arm wrestle a guy who drinks motor oil, or hijack a plane to save their ungrateful teenage daughter from the clutch of a madman.
“But what if these two bad-ass dads were pitted up against one another?” you might ask for some reason.
“Yeah, what then?” the person next to you would add. “These two brutes could obviously out-muscle a world-class arm wrestler, or out-smart an entire island of heavily-armed terrorists. But who would win if they fought each other?”
Good question, Person Sitting Next To You. For that, we need to turn to science. Or anecdotes, if that’s what you prefer. Surely we can answer the question of who would win a fight between Harry Tasker and Lincoln Hawk using strictly anecdotal evidence, right? Of course we can.
The Case For Harry:
- Part of highly-trained government anti-terrorism task force
- Re-learned how to fly a military jet within minutes of setting foot in one for the first time in years
- Has a clear size advantage
- Managed to kill hundreds of armed men on a deserted island practically by himself
- Can pick the lock on a pair of handcuffs while wearing them
- Knows how to tango*
- Can ride a horse**
* This may not seem relevant, but it shows he can be light on his feet despite his larger size.
** This fact is clearly not relevant, but it’s still cool. Not everyone knows how to ride a horse.
The Case For Lincoln:
- Has a magic hat that gives him super powers
That’s pretty much it. He obviously works out and stuff, but let’s face it: The guy is like 5-foot-5. His entire case is built pretty much entirely on the fact that he has a magic trucker hat that gives him strength.
And you know what? I’m not betting against that hat.
Lincoln Hawk, winner!
(Cue “Winner Takes It All” by Sammy Hagar)