The photo you see above is the cover for Christina Aguilera’s next album, Lotus, due out in November. Aguilera explained why she chose that image to MTV, saying, “At this point of my life, I feel that I’ve reached a place where I’m completely embracing everything about who I am, and I’m having more of an understanding of myself.” So, her self-embracing involves Photoshop and posing like Jesus? Sounds about right.
It’s a bold move for a musician to pose naked on their own album cover, not only because your goodies are out for the entire world to ogle, but also because the nudity track record hasn’t been stellar. Which is to say, it’s a desperate move. Here are 10 NAKEDXXXWEEWEE examples of why Xtina made the wrong choice.
Unfinished Music No. 1: Two Virgins by John Lennon and Yoko Ono
Thirty minutes of avant-garde conceptual “music” is a perfectly cromulent reason to hate Yoko.
Lovesexy by Prince
Love(d) it was not, coming between Sign “O” the Times and Batman. As for sexy, well, if you’ve got a thing for miniature giraffes with prominent rib cages, then yes. Otherwise, not so much.
Out of Bounds by Eric Bana
Or, when you realized the dude from Munich released a comedy album.
I Love My Life by Jim Post
You’d love life, too, if you could pull off the saggy mustache waterfall look as well as Jim. (Note to self: name next band Saggy Mustache Waterfall.)
A Casa Da Joquina by Quim Barreiros
An America’s Funniest Home Videos clip waiting to happen.
The Abbey Road E.P. by Red Hot Chili Peppers
This is sacrilegious to mention in some circles, but the early, dick sock-wearing Chili Peppers do nothing for me. Like the Abbey Road E.P. cover, which apparently mocks some album by some band named after an insect, their sound in the late 1980s was too amateurish to be taken seriously, and it wasn’t until 1991’s Blood Sugar Sex Magik that they began to resemble a group worth listening to. In other words, WE (don’t) WANT CHILLI WILLI.
Gangsta Rap by Ice-T
Ice-T is looking at that gun a bit too longingly…
Waking & Dreaming by Orleans
Guy from Orleans is looking at that penis a bit too longingly…
Push Push by Herbie Mann
Jesus. Herbie Mann looks straight out of a Coen Brothers movie. There’s a chance he’s not fully naked, but considering the way he’s suggestively holding that flute, I’m going to guess that he is — and that his penis is comically tiny.
Off the Deep End by Weird Al Yankovic
OK, maybe they’re not ALL bad.