The 23 Worst Things About The Miley Cyrus ’23’ Video

Hey guys, did you know that Miley Cyrus is controversial? Did you know that she’s in your face and expressing herself and that you’re all haters because only God can judge ya? She’s the original dog from Hell!

Anyway, Miley is an integral part of Mike WiLL Made It, Wiz Khalifa and Juicy J’s new video ’23,’ a song that honors NBA legend Michael Jordan’s ability to have expensive shoes named after him. It’s disrespectful to Jordan himself — Gotty over at The Smoking Section referred to it as “spraying over a rival gang’s tags on the wall disrespect” — but I thought I’d go through it frame-by-frame and examine the 23 worst things about it. You know, because ’23.’

First, the video:

Eventually we’re gonna find out that Miley’s just two Buzzfeed employees masquerading as a teen girl, aren’t we?

Okay, before I begin I have to note that a lot of these aren’t problems exclusive to the ’23’ video and are just problems in music videos period, but I’ve got 23 slides to get through, so give me a break.

The plot of the video is such: rappers sneak into a high school principal’s office and use BEATS BY DRE BRAND PILL SPEAKER to play their new song over the intercom, which works and causes an impromptu pep rally even though the lighting would suggest it’s like 6:30 in the afternoon. In the first thirty minute of the video there are close-ups of iPhones and Beats logos and Gucci beanies. I keep expecting Jay-Z to jump in from the corner yelling, “AND ALSO, BURBERRY.”

I don’t wanna tell you not to brag, but you

1. snuck into a high school
2. lured a principal away with a bouncing basketball
3. are using a high school intercom to promote your song
4. a song that is 70% Miley Cyrus
5. a song that is about how much you like shoes

But hey, congratulations on cornering the gay urban teen market.

His shirt number.

thanks for clarifying, though, I thought they were talking about that Jim Carrey movie

Somebody convinced Miley Cyrus that “sex” and “smoking” are what differentiate children from adults, so she’s spent all year doing those things in front of people as much as possible. Lindsay Lohan did the same thing, where she kept trying to shoehorn cigarettes into every movie or photoshoot she did until she was working exclusively in the medium of “stand there and smoke.”

Be an adult as much as you want, Smiley, but maybe there’s a reason you’re a 20-year old with old lady hands.

Nobody should be wearing a jersey dress in 2013, much less one stitched together with two half-jerseys and a shower ring. Earlier in the video she’s wearing Jordan jersey high-waisted underpants. They sorta look like a Jordan jersey diaper.

It might’ve been cute if Miley was just, I don’t know, wearing a jersey, right? It doesn’t have to be underpants all the time. Adults are allowed to wear pants and still be cool. James Dean almost always wore pants.


do you, because if not, here you go

Miley’s gonna make fetch happen with that foam finger, isn’t she?

This sudden pep rally becomes really funny if you pretend they’re paying homage to the worst video of all time:

It’s hard to type “Mike WiLL Made It” with a straight face. It’s like typing A Pimp Named Slickback. What’s with the weird tendency to turn “will” into a complete sentence? Between this and “” I’m not sure we should allow people named “Will” anything to make it. Meet your new favorite rapper, WILL KNOW ME BY THE TRAIL OF BLACK EMPERORS

He’s a scientist! He’s got weed and helicopters! Somebody sent him an e-mail that read, “record a verse for this Miley Cyrus song, it’s about shoes” and he just went “SHOES, YEAH” and followed it up with some shit he’s interested in.

It’s like whenever somebody has to record a verse for a Bieber song. Nicki Minaj just googles “Justin Bieber” and writes down the first 10 search results.

yes, exactly like Michael Jordan

Nobody plays basketball in the ’23’ video, sorta like how nobody mentions Michael Jordan other than his tongue and his shoes. They just sit under a basketball goal in a gym and awkwardly touch it, and the basketballs are glittery. Juicy J should make a golf video where he just puts on golf clothes and stands in a bowling alley.

All this video needs is the principal yelling, “CYRUSSSSSS” and shaking his fists in the air.

There’s a line in the song about how he’s got 30 pairs of Js that haven’t been released yet — such as the beautiful Plush-crested Jay (Cyanocorax chrysops) — and one of the names he drops is the “Space Jam 11.” He’s talking about shoes, but … still. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live in a world where

1. Space Jam got 10 sequels
2. I have not seen 10-of-11 Space Jam movies

Miley’s probably great at basketball. To her credit, she thought Khalifa said “hit it like an anime cat.”

Nice of Miley to bring back the cast of Clueless for this video.

There are a lot of people in this picture, and Miley might be the best-dressed one. That’s … not good.

Did you like Miley Cyrus smoking? Then you’ll LOVE Miley Cyrus saying curse words, because cursing means you’re an adult! The smoking/adding curse words to pop songs combo has worked well for Pink and Avril Lavigne, so if those two disingenuous Caucasian ladies could make it, so will she. She don’t give a f*ck! Hee hee!

Her Js so fly, she should work at Flight Club! If you don’t get that reference, what she’s saying is, “my shoes are nice, so I should work at the shoe store.” And “fly” and “flight” mean similar things. I’d give this line more grief if she hadn’t prefaced it with “MC Hammer fly … you can’t touch!” Miley, you were negative 2 when that came out.

quick, somebody call Terry Richardson, nobody’s putting random objects in their mouth

Needs more mullet pony.

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