For years, people have bashed “Baby It’s Cold Outside” as outdated, sexist, and generally creepy. Which, it totally is (particularly if you don’t watch the musical version). Pull away the tune and the lyrics read like a powerpoint seminar called “How To Pressure Women Into Sex” by one of those Red Pill douches.
The neighbors might think (baby, it’s bad out there)
Say what’s in this drink? (no cabs to be had out there)
Easy there, Cosby.
I’m not the first one to make the Cos-connection. In fact, every single joke about this song has been made and remade until it’s ground into a fine powder. The whole thing has traveled through every stage of the song lifecycle:
From a video that shows the uncomfortable visuals that the lyrics so clearly imply…
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…to the inevitable script-flip…
…to the totally good cause and ethically spot on (yet utterly joke-less) version.
I love myself some indie music, but once indie musicians have a hold of something it’s pretty safe to say the topic is dead as a source of comedy. Which begs the question: What’s our next cringe-inducing Christmas song to mock?
I vote this one:
Just like “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” “Do They Know It’s Christmas” was well intentioned and wasn’t scorned during it’s time. It also raised an enormous amount of money for charity and people loved the “We Are the World”-style video. It’s still on heavy rotation in the U.K., where they have a weird Christmas song fetish, and has been re-upped by producers Bob Geldof and Midge Ure three times.
But still…if there were a world record for “most-earnest song that still manages to make a bunch of dumb implications,” this would win. Hands down.
Let’s just walk through the lyrics:
It’s Christmastime; there’s no need to be afraid
At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime
Damn, the U.K. must’ve been doing pretty well in ’84, just throwing their arms around the world and all that.
But say a prayer to pray for the other ones
At Christmastime
It’s hard, but when you’re having fun
Thanks a lot “other ones” for making us think about you. And we were all having fun, too!
There’s a world outside your window
And it’s a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears
The only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears? There is never any joy or happiness? Where is this horrible place?
And the Christmas bells that ring there
Are the clanging chimes of doom
Clanging chimes of doom? Shit. Just. Got. Real.
Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you
“Them instead of you” — the f*ck is that, Bono? Isn’t thanking God that you’re lucky supposed to be done behind closed doors? That line is only slightly less offensive than the singer’s haircut in the video.
And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime
Record scratch. The song’s subject is Africa. Not a country. Not a region. A continent that’s three times the size of the United States. If I can be real for a second, this is an actual problem. It’s painting with such broad strokes that it makes it seem reasonable to think that Africa is all famine all the time. Not true, not fair.
But fine, they were just talking about snow. There’s snow on Kilimanjaro, but whatever. Let’s move on…
The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life
Shouldn’t life be the greatest gift any of us get? Like would that be supplanted by some British lady buying her husband a wristwatch or something?
Oh, where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow
Nothing ever grows. Not a thing. Never. And no rain or rivers, either. Except the Nile. The freaking Nile! Are you telling me that no one in this huge group of super talented people was like, “Um… Bob, Ure… Isn’t the Nile the longest river on earth?”
Do they know it’s Christmastime at all?
Oohhhhh snap! An accidental insult tinged with imperialism. Do they know it’s Christmastime? Well, since the continent is majority Muslim, they might know and not care. Or not know, they don’t owe you knowledge of your invented mythos. Then again, nearly half of the continent is Christian, so they probably know.
Point being…what the hell is this sentence supposed to imply, anyway?
Here’s to you, raise a glass for ev’ryone
Here’s to them, underneath that burning sun
Do they know it’s Christmastime at all?
Luckily, Geldof’s subsequent efforts to fight famine across sub-Saharan Africa would have much stronger calls to action than “raise a glass.” Considering that the video starts with visuals of people dying of famine in Somalia, the raised glasses seems like a pretty soft finish.
The song was produced on an insanely tight timeline, so I like to imagine it went down like this:
GELDOF: “What do we do at the end? How can people help?”
BONO: “They could raise — ”
GELDOF: “A glass!”
BONO: “I was going to say money, actually. Like, lots of money.”
GELDOF: “I already wrote ‘a glass,’ we’re sticking with it. Now where’s the cocaine?”
So if you and your sketch comedy troupe are looking for a new song to lampoon, and you’re worried about how played out “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is, try “Do They Know It’s Christmas” — there’s lots to work with there.
