It’s just about that time of the year when your co-workers, family members or overly-festive friends start demanding that you RSVP for their super awesome Christmas parties, and I’m sure that you’re probably considering all of the different ways that you can hang yourself with a stocking. But the problem is that Christmas parties are as unavoidable as those horrible K-Mart holiday commercials with the people frozen and making obnoxious noises on repeat. So what you need to do is be a little proactive this year and start turning those awful Christmas parties into your own awesome Christmas jammy jams.
How do you do that? With the right music, of course. And fortunately for you, I’m an expert at picking out just the right Christmas songs for every occasion, so all you need to do now is just follow these simple steps and make sure these Christmas songs end up in your party’s rotation, and you’ll go down in history as a holiday hero.
You can’t start a party without an adrenaline-fueled party anthem, but since this is Christmas, you need to crank it up with a high-octane version of a holiday classic. That’s why you need to kick in the doors with Twisted Sister’s rendition of “Oh Come All Ye Faithful.”
Now you’ve got some fists in the air and hopefully some spiced rum in the egg nog, and the last thing that you can do is slow it down. So keep the heavy metal mayhem going with a custom Christmas jam like ACDC’s “Mistress for Christmas.”
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If you don’t immediately find yourself under the mistletoe with Karen from accounting, then your volume knob isn’t turned up high enough. Or maybe the ladies aren’t digging the hard rock jams. That’s why you need to flip the script and dive back into the 90s with something that all the ladies love, and show off your yuletide dance moves to New Kids on the Block and “Funky Funky Christmas.”
Santa Claus may be flying around to deliver the toys to all the good little boys and girls, but you’re bringing the jams that are getting everyone naughty. Freaky naughty. So don’t stop now! You’ve come too far and this party needs you to keep everyone high on the holidays. That’s why it’s time for Snoop Dogg’s “A Pimp’s Christmas.”
If you’re not getting a contact high from these holiday fumes, then you’re just a big, old Grinch. But now it’s time to get things pumping again and break the dance floor wide open. Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen! And on Quad City DJs with “What You Want for Christmas”!
Hold up! You don’t want to wear everyone out just yet. You see, the key to the party is playing good music and still leaving time for everyone to mingle and spread the joy. You’re not going to get your parents back together if you keep blasting cheesy 90s party rap, so you need to bust out the secret weapon – Hall and Oates, one of the greatest musical groups of all-time, with their version of “Jingle Bell Rock.”
You also need to throw one or two songs in the mix that will make people come ask you, “Hey, who sings this song?” because it’s all about keeping up the perception that you know exactly what you’re doing and nobody throws a better Christmas party than you. I like Günther’s “Christmas Song (Ding Dong)” for this moment, because it combines Christmas spirit with sensuality, and what’s a holiday party without some baby-making music?
Here’s the thing about getting a little obscure – you have to gradually bring everyone back to the mainstream songs or you’ll simply lose the mood from the other songs. A perfect set list is a work of art and needs to be treated as such, so let’s stay across the pond and now turn it up a little bit with anthem rockers The Darkness and the very simply named, “Christmas Time.”
Now dim the lights, clink your moose antler glass to get everyone’s attention and offer up a toast right here. Don’t talk too much, just offer something simple and charming from your heart, and make sure to throw a wink at that special someone that you’ve been trying to sneak off with to the bathroom all night, if only your cousin Tank hadn’t been feeding everyone his 5-alarm holiday chili all night. Once you’re done, drive home the mellow mood with Scott Weiland’s “Winter Wonderland.”
This is an important moment: It’s very essential to play one song that doesn’t fit the mold of anything that you’ve been playing, because it will draw focus back to the music. I’ve chosen the Carnie and Wendy Wilson duet “Hey Santa” for that because it gives you the chance to put on your oversized Santa hat, grab the ladle from the egg nog bowl and lip sync along with it. Everyone will think you’re hilarious, and I guarantee someone will know the lyrics and try to sing along.
Don’t stop the time machine there, either, because now we’re hopping on the 80s train with The Waitresses and “Christmas Wrapping” because you’re about to bust out your zaniest Christmas sweater.
For the longest time, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” has been the go-to comedy Christmas song at parties, but if you ask me, it’s time to retire one classic in order to celebrate another, much more wonderful song. I’m talking, of course, about my all-time favorite Christmas song, Nerf Herder’s “I’ve Got a Boner for Christmas.”
Warning: There’s a chance that this will cause your creepier male co-workers or family members to begin walking around with mistletoe over their genitalia, so be prepared to act repulsed and make a comment like, “Those berries look smaller than usual” to put that prankster in his place, no matter how hilarious it actually is. And then? Crank it back up, because it’s time to join the Ying Yang Twins and “Deck da Club”!
Wow, I’m exhausted just planning this party out in advance for you. That’s why I’m going to include the ultimate song to bring everyone back down and remind us all of the real meaning of Christmas, as you wait for the taxis to arrive. Throw one more log on the fire, and get everyone to sing along with DMX and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”
Chances are, some people are going to crash on your couches or pass out on your floor, so you’re going to need to get them to leave as quickly as possible in the morning. Let’s bring this mix tape full circle with one more track from Twisted Sister, as Dee Snider and Co. deliver their “Heavy Metal Christmas.”
Good luck, and don’t bother thanking me when everyone congratulates you on the best Christmas party ever. I’m just doing my job.