(UPDATE: Welp, looks like this letter was a fake. Nicely done, Above Average.)
Joey Fatone, former member of NSync and semi-current NSYNC lip sync contest host, seems absolutely delighted to hear that One Direction decided to nab an extended hiatus. The four-turned-five piece boy band will finish touring in October and go their separate ways next spring. For a year or two, perhaps?
If anyone knows what happens to boy bands on hiatus, it’s Joey Fatone. Actually, a lot of wayward former boy band members could also pitch in some words, but Fatone is the one who’s talking. He delivered some hard truths in an open letter to Harry Styles, Liam Payne, Louis Tomlinson and Niall Horan. Fatone also includes a fetching photo of himself in a Bosley hair restoration informercial to set the mood:
Here’s how it’s gonna go down, fellas. While you’re all on hiatus, Harry will record some dope singles with Beyonce, Ryan Adams and Wiz Khalifa, come out with a killer solo album produced by Pharrell and Timbaland, cut his hair, dye his hair, do a second less awesome album, let his hair grow super long and wear it in two braids, crush a self-effacing cameo in a Judd Apatow movie, buzz his hair and release a third, self-produced album on which he hints at being bisexual that everyone will call his “best work.”
The rest of you are f*cked. I mean f*cked. I am the second most-successful former member of NSync and I am Joey Fatone. Say that outloud to yourself: “Besides Justin Timberlake, Joey Fatone is the most successful member of NSync.”
Fatone virtually promises that the hiatus will be a permanent split, and perhaps one of them (“Louis, I’m looking at you”) will end up managing a Best Buy somewhere. Or worse. He goes on to assure Niall, Louis and Liam that they have plenty of talent, but “Harry is so, so much cuter, cooler and more talented than the rest of you.” Indeed, if Mr. Styles follows the Justin Timberlake pattern, there will be several SNL hosting gigs and a brief acting career. Then back to music and a tour with Jay-Z, of course.
Fatone ends with this classic line: “Jesus christ I wish I was still in NSync.” At least he’s keeping it real.