Katy Perry Is The Perfect Super Bowl Halftime Show Performer. Here’s Why.

“Weird Al” Yankovic was never going to be the Super Bowl Halftime Show performer. Neither was GWAR or Slayer or Pantera or any of the other metal bands that REAL FANS OF MUSIC campaign for on petition websites. That’s not how the NFL works, because that’s not how Pepsi, or whichever company is sponsoring this year’s show, works. There’s no money to be made from 54-year-old accordion players, which is why, since 2011, the list of halftime show performers includes the Black Eyed Peas, Usher, Madonna, LMFAO, Nicki Minaj, Beyoncé, and Bruno Mars, all top-40 acts who poop hits.

Unlike Katy Perry, who sprays them out of her boobs.

It was announced last night that real-life gummy bear Katy Perry will keep you from going to the bathroom during Super Bowl XLIX. She’s the best possible choice. You’re lying if you claim you’ve never had one of her songs stuck in your head — they’re dumb and mindless and bright and shiny, which is exactly the point. I’m not looking for someone to wow me with their shredding prowess in-between watching grown men kick the crap out of one another. Treat the Super Bowl Halftime Show like you would a summer blockbuster: you’re not looking to think; you just want to be entertained, and there are few pop stars as unabashedly entertaining as Katy Perry. I can think of some reasons why.

Also, “Firework” is a great song.