Settle Down, Kenny G: 5 Very Lame Musician Feuds

In his ongoing attempt to piss off everyone in the world, Chris Brown and his goons, as mentioned earlier by Cajun Boy, jumped Frank Ocean in a parking lot in Los Angeles last night. Why? Because of a parking space. Chris Brown, officially the worst. We’re obviously Team Ocean, and we ought to be captivated by the story, but the now-feud between him and Brown is just so…underwhelming. Stupid parking spot. I blame the city of Los Angeles. Well, Los Angeles, and Chris Brown for being a monster of a human being.

Plus, “Brown” and “Ocean” gives an unwanted mental image. Speaking of damp sh*t: let’s take a look at some other less-than-zero feuds between famous musicians over the past 20 years. We’ve got Creed vs. Bizkit, Matchbox vs. Third Eye Blind, and, of course, Kenny G vs. Prince.

1. Stephan Jenkins vs. Rob Thomas

Matchbox Twenty and Third Eye Blind are two of the softest rock bands to receive massive radio airplay over the past 20 years, so of course their feud would involve one guy making fun of another guy’s weight. The “one guy” in question is Third Eye Blind’s Stephan Jenkins, who called Rob Thomas “fat,” when the Matchbox singer BALLOONED up to 200 pounds. Meals at 3 a.m. will do that to a person. Thomas eventually fired back, saying Jenkins has “no soul whatsoever,” while Johnny Rzeznik from the Goo Goo Dolls looked on from afar, muttering with a smirk, “Yes, yes, this is all going as planned.” (For what it’s worth: Matchbox > Third Eye Blind, not even close.)

2. Dave Buckner (Papa Roach) vs. Pete Wentz (Fall Out Boy)

Presented without context:

What do you think of bands such as Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance?
DAVE: I love My Chem. Fall Out Boy, there’s a little bit of an issue between me and Pete Wentz.

DAVE: Oh yeah. That motherf*cker better hope he can afford security his whole life ’cause I will be there the day he’s not there. I will be there, around the corner, ready to mop the floor with his f*cking little ass.

DAVE: Yeah. I love My Chem, and I love the rest of Fall Out Boy, but Pete Wentz…little f*cker.

What annoys you so much about him?
DAVE: Oh he’s a f*cking ponce. (Via)

Don’t know the specifics, don’t want to know the specifics. Just know there were no winners.

3. Kenny G vs. Prince

This one barely counts as a feud, but it’s too amusing not to mention, because it’s a perfect encapsulation of all things Kenny G. Back in 2010, the Purple One declared “the Internet completely over…All these computers and digital gadgets are no good. They just fill your head with numbers and that can’t be good for you.” For some reason, someone asked Kenny G what he thought of those remarks, and the smooth jazz saxophonist replied, if the Internet really is dead, “then I must be dead, too, ’cause I use it all the time.” He then added, “Maybe I’ve got a sixth sense, and I only see dead people. I don’t know.” WOAH WOAH WOAH KEEP IT IN LINE, GUYS.

4. Kid ‘N’ Play vs. Vanilla Ice

“And I can dance better than any Kid ‘N Play,” or the lyric that caused a nation to choose between a dancing white boy rapper or a dude with a hi-top fade. (The hi-top fade always wins). The line in question came from a 1990 “cover” of “Play That Funky Music” by Vanilla Ice, who was not only pissed at Kid’s popularity, but also wanted to establish his credibility by taking pot shots at easy targets. Kid ‘N Play responded soon after in the song “Next Question” from their 1991 album, Face the Nation. On the track, a man asks the duo, “What’s up with Vanilla Ice and Luke Skywalker tryin to dis y’all? What y’all soft or something?” Their response:

Now it never ceases to amaze
How the public jumps on every new fad and faze
Regardless to whether there’s talent or not
And most times it’s the talent they haven’t got

The fight eventually cooled down, due to lack of interest.

5. Fred Durst vs. Scott Stapp

You probably remember this one. Limp Bizkit’s Durst called Stapp, the frontman for Bible humpers Creed, an “egomaniac,” because, basically, they were the headliners at a music festival over the Biscuits. The hate continued on the otherwise hater-free Total Request Live, where Durst stamped his foot and yelled, “What I said about Creed I meant.” The back-and-forth went on for awhile, and the two apparently still don’t like each other. But the reason I bring the fight up is because everyone needs to read this poem written by an Angelfire user RIGHT NOW.

Hey Fred, there’s something you need to know.
You aren’t cool anymore,
Your band is a dying trend,
and your future isn’t looking nice.

I’m disgusted by everything you do.
But can you blame me?
I hate you!

So you made fun of Creed. Is that true?
Scott’s a better writer than you.
If I ever meet you, I’ll tell you
That I’m disgusted by everything you do!
You make me sick! Your music sucks!
So do your pathetic lyrics!
The only reason you are where you are
Is because you suck Korn’s dicks.
If it hadn’t been for Ross Robinson,
Limp Penis wouldn’t even exist.
You have these mad connection in the music industry,
and that makes me pissed.
Where’d your talent go?
I guess that’s something you never had.
Why don’t you go tattoo your queer sailor pals
instead of making fans of REAL music mad?

Die, you stupid tool! (Via)

Durst vs. Stapp is the middle school production of West Side Story of music feuds.