Texas Sheriff Department Calls Fiona Apple ‘Honey,’ Tells Her To ‘Shut Up And Sing’

Senior Pop Culture Editor
09.24.12 5 Comments

Last week, Cajun wrote about how Fiona Apple had been arrested in Texas “after authorities claim they found hashish” on her tour bus. To anyone who thought Apple would run away from the news as fast as she could and get gone, not quite. Over the weekend, she unleashed a bizarre rant during a gig in Houston, telling four police officers she dealt with that “I’ll make you f*cking famous any time you ask.” It gets weirder from here.

Her comments in full:

“Now, most of the people were very nice to me. There are four of you out there, and I want you to know that I heard everything you did. I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said stupidly thinking that I couldn’t hear or see you. I then ripped the paper up, but not before I encoded it and– I got two lock boxes. We’ll call them “holding cell one” and “holding cell two”. In “holding cell one” is the encoded version of the shit that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal. In “holding cell two” is the decoder. I’m the only one who holds the key, and you and I will be intimate forever because I will hold that secret forever. Unless of course the celebrity that you had so much interest in but you wanted to accuse me of bringing up while you laughed at me all night? Unless you’re interested in being a celebrity, I’ll make you f*cking famous any time you ask and I’ll open those boxes. So why don’t you stay in your f*cking holding cell?” (Via)

Well, I guess the Hudspeth County Sheriff’s Department reads Pitchfork because they wrote Apple a scathing, disgusting response, from the desk of Public Information Officer Rusty Fleming.

First, Honey, I’m already more famous than you, I don’t need your help. However, it would appear that you need mine….

Two weeks ago nobody in the country cared about what you had to say, — now that you’ve been arrested it appears your entire career has been jump-started. Don’t worry Sweetie, I won’t bill you…
Next, have you ever heard of Snoop, Willie or Armand Hammer? Maybe if you would read something besides your own press releases, you would have known BEFORE you got here, that if you come to Texas with dope, the cops will take your DOPE away and put YOU in jail…

Even though you and I only met briefly in the hallway, I don’t know you but I’m sure you’re an awesome and talented young woman and even though I’m not a fan of yours, I am sure there are thousands of them out there, and I’m sure that they would just as soon you get this all behind you and let you go back to what you do best—so my last piece of advice is simple “just shut-up and sing.”

Rusty Fleming (Via)

Is that the same Rusty Fleming as this fat-Orson-Welles-lookalike Rusty Fleming?

If so, then the only thing he’s “more” of than Fiona Apple is closer to a diabetic coma. May a pot brownie be the straw that broke the sexist camel’s back.

(Via Pitchfork)

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