Can You Guys Believe The Guy Who Stole That Bucket Of Gold Is Still On The Loose?

12.08.16 8 Comments

Can you guys believe the guy who stole that bucket of gold is still on the loose? I can’t. I really can’t. It’s crazy when you think about it, which I have, a lot, every day since I found about it. He really just grabbed a 90-pound bucket of gold out of the back of an open armored truck and waddled off with it. In broad daylight. In Manhattan. For blocks! The New York Times traced his route after the story broke.

The suspect continued east, crossing the wide Fifth Avenue near its tourist heart, with Rockefeller Center and St. Patrick’s Cathedral in sight. He passed the InterContinental New York Barclay hotel and its doormen opening cab doors for guests. (“Not here he didn’t,” a doorman said on Thursday, as if a man with a bucket would not have been allowed to pass on his watch.)

The suspect turned north on Third Avenue for one block, then east on 49th Street, outside the Smith & Wollensky steakhouse. A white van picked him up, Detective Pastor said.

This will never not amaze me. Just the sheer bravado of it is startling. And it’s probably why it worked, to be honest. A guy waddling around with a bucket in the middle of the night looks suspicious. Nothing good can be happening there. You’d probably see that and assume the bucket was full of chemical waste. Or human remains. Or, like, ooze. Evil, demon ooze. The glowing kind that bubbles even at room temperature. Either pink or green, and neon as a glow stick. You know what I’m talking about.

But a guy lugging a bucket around in the middle of the day? Well, that’s just a good ol’ blue collar worker puttin’ in the ol’ 9 to 5. Joey Lunchpail breakin’ his back to help his small family business survive. Why, that bucket is probably full of dirt. Good dirt. American dirt. The same dirt our Founding Fathers fought for way back when. The kind of dirt you build things on. Skyscrapers, monuments, Applebee’s franchises. Dirt that is definitely not actually $1.6 million worth of melted gold that was stolen out of an open truck. No, sir, definitely not that. Quick, someone hold that door for him. Yes, you. It’s the least you can do. The man is carrying a dream.

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