Should Drug Dealers Get A Bailout?

Senior Writer
11.11.10 4 Comments

And before anyone freaks out, man, the obvious rhetorical answer is… maybe. It all depends on the drug you’re selling and if you’re one of the very few people in the United States who are actually legally permitted to sell said drug. Chances are, if you’re John Q. Cokewrangler, you don’t have a shot in hell of getting anything but handcuffs. Are you a college student brewing crystal meth in your off-campus apartment bathtub? Don’t drop the soap, because you’re going to prison. But if you’re a blue collar peyote dealer, then you may just have a shot at getting some help from above.

Mauro Morales has had a license to sell peyote in Texas for roughly 20 years, and for the past two decades business has been damn good. Mauro is one of only three people in the U.S. who is legally allowed to sell the hallucinogenic cactus, but like approximately 10 to 20 percent of Americans – depending on which polls you shake your fists in rage at – Mauro has seen his business fade into the sunset. Texas farmers and ranchers have cracked down on peyote harvesting on their land and have been destroying the cacti that have been so important to Mauro and his business of selling to the only legal customer – Native American spiritualists. And once again, I remind the FBI to address me as Chief Tweeking Burnsy.

If things get really bad for Mauro, he could just go the path of the standard idiot drug dealer and use muscle to make profit. For instance, a drug dealer in Montclair, New Jersey was working his standard route a few nights ago, when he approached another man and asked him if he was interested in purchasing illegal narcotics. The man said, “No thank you, generous being” and made his way merrily down the street. That is, until the drug dealer caught up to him, threatened his life and took all his money. Fortunately, the drug dealer was never apprehended so he’s free to keep making his living however he likes. Hooray capitalism!

Finally, a father and son duo in Rhode Island are facing federal money laundering charges after they allegedly helped a local drug dealer purchase as many as 17 cars under a hidden identity, as well as installing a hidden compartment in one car for the purpose of transporting narcotics. Domingo and Derlyn Lopez are facing 20 years in prison and a fine of at least $500,000 if they’re convicted, as well as the forfeiture of their assets and all automobiles. So if you live in Rhode Island and are looking to purchase a car off the books… THIS SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY – COME ON DOWN TO ESPAILLAT MOTORS FOR THE BIGGEST CAR SALE IN HISTORY!!! All sales are final, and you need to pay in cash and haul ass.


  • A peyote shortage is hurting legitimate drug dealers. All three of them. (Chron National News)
  • A New Jersey drug dealer robs a guy who is too good for drugs. (
  • Father and son owned car dealership is busted for money laundering. Frownies. (



  • A 56-year old Illinois woman was arrested for assaulting an officer after she struck him with her vibrator. The police were dispatched to her home after she skipped out on a restaurant bill. Responded her neighbors, “We won’t have what she’ll be having.” (The Smoking Gun)
  • A Florida Kindergarten teacher and her boyfriend have been arrested on charges of dealing drugs and counterfeiting money after an abundance of Oxycodone and fake $20 bills were discovered by police in their home. Responded the teacher, “Can you say ‘COINCIDENCE’?” (Orlando Sentinel)



  • The opium market accounts for nearly $65 billion annually worldwide. That’s roughly $8 billion in the U.S. and Canada, $9 billion in China, $13 billion in Russia, and approximately $20 billion throughout Europe. This confirms my suspicions that EUROPEANS F-ING LOVE HEROIN! (Drug War Facts)
  • In the second half of 2009 alone, an estimated 447,000 counterfeit Euros were pulled from circulation. The biggest culprits were the 20 and 50 Euros, while the least counterfeited were the 5 Euros. I’m assuming my giant bag of 1 Euros is pretty much worthless then. Damn it. (Catalogue of Currencies)


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