Tis The Season To… Stick ‘Em Up?

Senior Writer

The holidays are a tough time for some people, and unfortunately that brings out the worst in them. People resort to crime during a time when they are supposed to be expressing love to their friends and family, and that’s sad because we spend more time in fear than we do in warmth and joy. Worst of all, it seems these thieves have broken our most sacred boundaries, as this week they have attacked our most cherished institutes of humanity.

Over the past week, Apple stores have been hotspots for burglary, with locations in Connecticut, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Illinois reporting robberies resulting in losses of as much as $25,000. Thieves are showing no mercy toward the popular technology provider, as they’re simply smashing doors and windows in the wee hours of the night and helping themselves to iPods, Macs, Airbooks, and… iPads. Sweet, precious iPads. This is clearly a conspiracy by some rogue element to steal every iPad on Earth and make sure that I never have one. Jerks.

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, a lone man rode his motorcycle up to the valet station at the Bellagio Hotel and Casino at 3:50 a.m. Monday morning, walked into the casino, pulled a gun at a craps table and walked out the front door with $1.5 million in chips. Of course this has sparked media comparisons to the Ocean’s 11 film and its sequels, Ocean’s Awful and Ocean’s Hollywood Hates Us, but Mr. Badass with his motorcycle and gun has probably realized by now that his bounty is pretty much worthless. He would have been better off stealing potato chips.

But at least the Apple and Bellagio robbers didn’t shoot anyone. They respected the sanctity and beauty of Apple stores and a casino. Too bad the same can’t be said for two men who entered an Anaheim strip club yesterday morning around 2:30 and shot the manager. The two robbers made off with an unknown amount of cash, but thankfully the manager is in stable condition. It may not be today, and it may not be tomorrow, but God willing, he’ll walk back into that strip club, crank “Pour Some Sugar On Me” and make strip clubs safe for you and I once again.


  • Apple stores desperately need to install an iLarm. (PC Mag)
  • Lone gunman makes off with $1.5 million from the Bellagio… not really. (Daily Mail)
  • Anaheim strip club manager shot during unsexy early morning robbery. (LA Times)



  • Thanks to a great deal of success in China, KFC is bringing the Double Down and layered bowls to Africa next. Yum Foods, Inc. has announced that 1,200 KFC restaurants will be opened throughout the continent. When reached for comment, Ethiopia said, “Um, no thanks.” (MSNBC)
  • Kraft and Starbucks executives were caught in a private email feud that has since gone public. Apparently Starbucks wants to control its own grocery store sales. Finally, Starbucks will be able to achieve success! (Chicago Breaking Business)



  • In 2009, a 33% increase in retail crime in the United Kingdom from the previous year led to a 10% increase in the cost of the damages for the stores. Shops (or shoppes if you speak English) paid enough money in 2008 and 2009 to cover the paychecks for at least 72,000 jobs. (Shopping Centre)
  • There were 133 instances of robbery reported per every 100,000 citizens in the U.S. last year as well. That was the lowest rate since 1968. What the hell, American criminals? You’re going to let the British upstage us like this? Get your act together, scumbags! (Disaster Center)


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