Why Does This Pastor Hate Yoga?

Senior Contributor

...Somehow it's not as hot when a dude does that.

Don’t worry, there are hot chicks in the links below.

Because it’s profane? Because it’s weird? Because it involves lots of obscene positions? No, because he’s mistaking people getting a workout with a theological argument or a religious dispute! This and Lou Dobbs is an even bigger jerk than you thought, all in Uproxx News.

First up, that pastor. Specifically, Southern Baptist Seminary President Albert Mohler, who looked at his blotter, realized he was way overdue to say something baffling and completely out of touch, and went way overboard to make up for it. Namely, that yoga was un-Christian.

Now, considering the rich and lengthy history of yoga in India, where you don’t find a lot of Christians, and that it’s one of the schools of Hindu philosophy, this is a bit like standing up and saying that Tom Cruise is short, that Christina Hendricks has an incredible rack, or that “Jersey Shore” is compelling proof there is a Hell and it is, amazingly, not actually in Camden like everybody thought. But apparently, if you’re a Christian, it’s not okay to engage in the series of stretching exercises that years of well-meaning hippies and suburban moms have whitewashed into a workout that would make an experienced yogi cry bitter tears, at least according to Mohler.

Unsurprisingly, Mohler isn’t the only cantankerous, clueless honky yelling at yoga to get off his lawn. Pat Robertson thinks yogic chanting is spooky, which means he must be reduced to pants-crapping terror by those psychopaths the Munsters, and some twit in California who runs one of those megachurches (if you’re not familiar, it’s a shopping mall with Jesus in it) called it a false religion, because people also worship the might Barbell of Ultimate Muscle and give tributes of puppies and firstborn to the dreaded god Pilates.

But we will give Mohler credit for this: yoga is actually a religious discipline that white people have crapped all over in the name of getting a low impact workout, so, when presented with evidence that studios had stripped out all that annoying chanting and philosophy and other stuff that kind of defines the discipline, Mohler replied “You’re not doing yoga.” We guess even a stuffy, clueless clock is right twice a day.

Anyway, speaking of stuffy, clueless white guys, we’ve got the latest hilarious report from walking failboat Lou Dobbs. Dobbs, you might remember, is passionately opposed to brown people illegal immigration and trade agreements with a certain country that starts with “M”. In fact, he’s built a small empire on being CNN’s “cranky old guy scared of non-white people with a bad toupee”. And Dobbs has been especially harsh on those who hire illegal immigrants.

Go on, guess what Dobbs is accused of. If you said “raping and killing a girl in 1990”, you’re thinking of Glen Beck, who didn’t do that…or did he? No, Dobbs just knowingly hired illegal aliens for his several mansions and to keep his daughter’s horse in clover. Apparently his daughter is a champion horse jumper, and no, we don’t mean like Tia Carrera.

Dobbs, of course, is claiming that it’s all a conspiracy and he’s being framed. Personally, we just want him to give that poor Donald Trump his hairpiece back.


  • Clueless soccer moms versus a clueless pastor; we predict the soccer moms in a TKO (CBS News)
  • Lou Dobbs is a hypocritical bag of wind? So why hasn’t he gotten a contract at another news network yet? (The Nation)



  • Enough of this depressing political crap about old people, let’s talk about something fun. Like environmental disasters! Currently, a red toxic sludge from a metals plant in Hungary is flooding into the Danube, causing massive ecological damage. But, hell, it’s Eastern Europe, not the first time something Red has destroyed all life there.  By the way, that’s Ms. Hungary on the left.  (Sydney Morning Herald)
  • Meanwhile, we seem to have figured out what’s killing all the bees. Hooray, killer bees will continue their march northward! (Associated Press)



  • The last time anybody cared to check, in 2004, there were 16.3 million Southern Baptists. In a total coincidence, there are 16.3 million old people in the Southeast. (Highbeam)
  • How many undocumented workers are there? About 5 million! And only half of them have worked for Lou Dobbs. The other half worked for Meg Whitman. (Pew Research Center)


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