Because we’ve all been such good little boys and girls, the WWE and E! decided to unleash not one, but two episodes of Total Divas upon us this week. While I like to pretend that the Kardashian network just wanted to air these episodes two at a time to wrap the series up and move on to the next “reality” series – because that Christina Milian show is so riveting – the main reason for last night’s two-for-one was simply shoveling the #BRAND into our throats for the season finale. And in “Indecent Exposure” and “The New Divas Champion,” something sure was being shoveled.
Instead of separating these episodes into two recaps, I’m going to just cram them both into one so we can get it over with, like removing a tooth or amputating a limb that has become infected after being eaten by ants for a period of 48 hours. So put on your recapping pants, because we’re about to get neck deep in Diva dung.
Pre-Episodes Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Paige – Even when they try to stick her with dumb, pointless stories, she isn’t the worst.
2) Alicia Fox – She’s not awful. That’s a compliment.
3) Brie Bella – She’s decent compared to everyone else.
4) Cameron – I’m running out of nice things to say.
5) Nikki Bella – She’s a person on this series.
6) Eva Marie – She has been notably less offensive on this half of the third season.
7) Rosa Mendes – She’s an absurd cartoon character of a porn actress.
8) Nattie – She’s trying not to be the worst, but she’s still the worst.
This week on Total Divas, I hope you didn’t eat right before you watched “Indecent Exposure”
Remember last week, how Paige was talking about getting waxed and Rosa said that the only time she tried it the person ripped her vagina skin off? Well, this week’s first episode kicked off with Rosa being waxed on camera. Pants down, her “full cat” exposed to the world, while Paige and Foxy gave her The 40-Year Old Virgin treatment, except on her hoo-ha. I’m seriously surprised that they didn’t just rip that scene off and have her shout, “KELLY CLARKSON!” but there might have been copyrights involved. Regardless, if you watch this series with the hopes of seeing a screaming Rosa’s blurred cooch, last night was the payola.
Paige is taking the girls on a trip to Key West to meet her boy
Paige has been “dating” a guy named Bradley, who is the lead singer of a band that has a name and music videos, although I didn’t care enough to spend more than 8 seconds looking for the name. Look, if your band hasn’t covered The Proclaimers’ “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles),” then you can’t get excited about me being at your shows. That’s not the same “rock star” that she is currently dating, but he reportedly wanted nothing to do with a role on the show, so Bradley from some band got the gig. According to Paige’s Wikipedia profile, she indeed dated this fella, but this entire story screamed fake from the first second, so we’ll fast forward through it.
Even though he wrote a song for her, Paige wasn’t all that into Bradley and it showed, but she still agreed to go to Key West with him. And of course she brought Rosa and Foxy with her. Naturally, Bradley was frustrated by Paige’s friends being there, but that didn’t stop them from talking about Rosa’s huge breasts. Also, Paige slept with Bradley, because she wants a “f*ck buddy,” not a boyfriend. In fact, she even called him her “friend with benefits” in front of him to a random BRO, so Paige was definitely not being cool to Bradley. Then he really made Paige look like a villain by singing the song he wrote for her in front of a crowd of strangers at a bar. Rosa and Foxy loved his romantic howling very much, so of course they tried to get to the bottom of his FEEEEEEEEEELINGS. I’d feel bad for Bradley if he wasn’t acting like such a mopey doofus.
Ultimately, Paige told Bradley that if he was trying to be her boyfriend, he needed to “get the f*ck out of here.” I don’t think she was being too extreme, but you don’t go on a trip with an emo bro to the southernmost point in the U.S. (and also my favorite city in America) and create drama. That’s not chillaxing.
But this was never about Bradley, you guys
Somewhere out there is a Mad Libs script for reality series, and in it a character opens up to the sweet, gentle love interest about the previous love interest who hurt him/her. “I’ve been hurt,” Paige said with tears in her big eyes, and Bradley leaned forward in his leather jacket with t-shirt look and said, “I’m not leaving you.” It’d be poetic if it had been written before any of the other thousand exchanges like it in the past.
Hey, remember when Paige only wanted to have sex with Bradley?
In a matter of minutes, Paige went from not wanting to be Bradley’s girlfriend to being so excited that she’s his girlfriend. Congratulations, Paige, you’ve finally descended into the childish idiocy of Total Divas. Bradley was suddenly ringside at RAW and now she wants him to move in with her. I mean, f*ck making sense at this point. F*ck the basics of storytelling. This show has simply reached a point where the writers are saying, “God, I hope no one remembers what happened five minutes ago.” And then when it’s clear as day that this plot is flawed and hilariously bad, we turn to ask the writers what the hell they’re thinking, and they’ve left holes in the shapes of their bodies in the walls. That is, however, supposing that this show has writers, an idea I gave up on a long time ago.
Oh, and remember how I always crap on this show for lazily recycling fake stories?
Bradley had a secret – he’s been married before. And just like when we found out about Nikki Bella’s previous marriage and Eva Marie’s previous marriage, Bradley’s previous marriage was a secret. How did that secret come out? Bradley’s sister casually dropped the bomb in the car with Paige and his mom. The key quote of this hilariously stupid exchange was: “We’ve been dating a month, I’m not telling you my life story.” YOU’RE MOVING IN TOGETHER!!! YOU JUST GOT BACK FROM THE MOST EMO TRIP TO KEY WEST, WHERE YOU MOPED AROUND BECAUSE PAIGE WOULD ONLY HAVE SEX WITH YOU!!!
Bradley is basically the dumbest side-doof that has ever appeared on this series, and fortunately he was gone as fast as he came. After he and Paige exchanged some nice “F*ck you” pleasantries, she told him that she was done and then she babbled about strength and walls and “bullsh*t.” Here’s to hoping her current rock star boyfriend is smart enough to stay off this stupid show.
Nattie was the most excited WWE personality when it came to RAW guest host Grumpy Cat
This was without a doubt the dumbest but most wonderful C-story on any episode of Total Divas to this point. With Nattie and Tyson Kidd squashing their marital beef in the most convenient way possible, they can focus on their obsession with cats. Namely Grumpy Cat, who was previously a guest host on RAW, in what I assume was one of the dumbest episodes in the show’s history. A lot of history being made in this paragraph. So when Nattie got to meet Grumpy Cat behind the scenes, she told the story of how Cat Fancy reached out to her and her cats, and how the magazine then stood her up and never responded after she wrote a “heartfelt email” to the magazine. The world needs to see this email.
Anyway, because Grumpy Cat has been such a pop culture sensation, Nattie was hilariously jealous and talked about how she wants to “get the cats to work.” Basically, she wants her cats to have their own movies. ATTENTION WWE FILMS: I will write The Meowrine for you for free. Just give me the word.
Even better than her open jealousy was Nattie getting upset with her mom cutting her cats’ hair, because she was “in talks” with Grumpy Cat’s owner about a collaboration. I’m sure this was being taken very seriously.
This week in the WWE and E! promoting distracted driving
It has been a while since I’ve talked about my least favorite aspect of this series. That’s right, to me, even worse than Rosa Mendes walking around nude and crying because the other Divas won’t make out with her or Nattie throwing her marriage away because she’s awful, Divas driving around with their phones in their hands, sometimes with no seatbelts on, is the worst thing about this show, because people die from the stupidity of others. In “Indecent Exposure,” Nattie hit a distracted driving grand slam, as she took a call from her mom while making turns all over the road and then SHE TOOK HER SEATBELT OFF.
I know I’m a dumb adult broken record here, but this sh*t drives me insane. I’m terrified of driving most of the time because I always see people driving around with their phones in their hands, and I’ve had to research the graphic results before. It’s all nightmare fuel to me, and I wish the WWE and E! would cut this crap out. Now, back to a far more important story…
Bella Rob Kardashian accidentally sent his sisters a naked mirror selfie
I’m surprised this doesn’t happen more often, but the thing that jumped out at me about this awful, pointless scene was how long Nikki looked at her naked brother’s “melfie.” She didn’t recoil in disgust. She smiled and stared. This was so awkward and gross, but at least the WWE recognized the value of increasing his role within the company to support the #BELLA #BRAND. Brie, being the mature and rational sister, said that they should drop it and move on, before she kept it going by telling Daniel Bryan all about it, and then eventually having a serious conversation with Bella Rob Kardashian.
Bella Rob was pretty upset with Nikki for showing everyone his dong, but HE STILL TOOK THE PICTURE AND SENT IT TO HIS FAMILY. You know who you’re allowed to be upset with if you send a nude photo to a bunch of people by accident? You. Only you. No one else. Not even if Nikki shared the image on the WWE’s Titantron. But Bella Rob and his knitted beanie with a t-shirt look still tried to pin some sort of blame on Nikki for thinking it was hilarious that he sent a nude pic to HIS OWN SISTERS. Sorry, Bella Bro, but you deserved every ounce of the shame on this one.
(Also, he allowed the pic to be shared on a TV series, so he clearly doesn’t give two rippled sh*ts. It’s good for the #BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND.)
In order to teach Nikki a lesson, Brie posted a photo of a poem that Nikki wrote for John Cena two years earlier on Instagram. Somehow, that was the same as showing everyone a picture of Bella Rob’s dick. Anyway, lessons weren’t learned, because Nikki just vowed to embarrass Brie at some point.
Scott Stapp 2.0 is Eva Marie’s Husbandger
Because he “has been to business school,” Jonathan Coyle is perfectly capable of being Eva Marie’s husband and manager, even though she openly questioned him in an endorsement meeting. This professional relationship ended up hurting their personal relationship, because Jonathan can be so demanding and must be involved in every single aspect of her photo shoots and “makeup and hair tutorials,” which is a foreign concept to me because her makeup look is always Bronze Statue from Ancient Rome and her hair is always ALL RED ALL THE TIME (Trademarked Catchphrase pending, yo). Regardless, Eva Marie was really upset that Jonathan was really mean to her makeup and hair friends, Estranged Kardashian Sister and Typhoon.
The problem with all of this is that Eva Marie didn’t have the WWE’s permission for outside photo shoots, nor had Mark ever heard of something as stupid as a Husbandger. Jonathan, though, doesn’t give a damn what Mark has to say. This was about Eva Marie launching her own brand of hair extensions, and he will not let the WWE get in the way of his dreams for his wife.
Ultimately, Eva Marie had to decide if she wanted a husband, manager, or husbandger. Jonathan’s job is to build a fitness and style empire for him and his wife, so he needed to understand how his behavior was affecting the woman who loves him. In his eyes, she needed to understand that this isn’t all about her. This sh*t got really heated and it was like they were about to call it quits, like I was so convinced that it was over between them… until I remembered how bad this show is at resolving problems.
It’s time for the #BRAND to expand and the Divas Championship to change hands
In the best exchange that this series has ever aired, the guy in charge of the Divas division – Mabel? Mark? Wait, yes it is Mark! – presented the Bella Twins with their new three-year deals. This was good news, because throughout the entire third season, we were teased with the idea of the Bella #BRAND falling apart because of Brie’s desire to become a mom. So Nikki came to the conclusion that a new contract would last until she is 34-and-a-half, to which Brie replied, “Which means I’ll be 34-and-a-half, too.” I think they finally figured out how being twins works, you guys.
Brie is ready to become a mom, and she realized that even more when she and Nikki met with their super pregnant friend, Shawna. Like, I’m not trying to be a jerk, but this lady was so pregnant that it looked fake. Nikki, however, was focused on the #BRAND and she had a “closed-door meeting” with Extra to be an anchor. Not only is she a Diva and a real estate agent, but she aspires to be successful in show business. Just as Brie was reconsidering her time in the WWE because she wants to be a mother, Nikki was also reconsidering her new contract because she wants to be an entertainment icon.
Most importantly, Nikki doesn’t “want to look back and go, What if?” because no one wants to regret not being the host of Extra. However, Nikki’s plans to move past the WWE took a huge hit, because she became the Divas Champion at Survivor Series, thanks to Brie’s sneak move – the Girl-on-Girl Kiss of Death. Naturally, because these Divas who all hate each other every once in a while were so excited for the star of Total Divas, they all gathered around her and cheered. That reminded Nikki why she does this, and it was time to make her decision. Oddly enough, the Bella Twins talking about Nikki’s new belt was an example of everything I’ve ever wanted to see on this series. Except it was tucked under so much nonsense and faux-emotional stupidity that it was a C-story at best. What a shame.
In the end, Nikki claimed that she’d been offered “a few amazing jobs,” even though she really hadn’t, and Brie was really intent on starting a family. So they told Mark it was time to move on and he told them that it was time for the WWE to move on from the Bella Twins. And because I know what happens, and you know what happens, it’s time for me to move on from Total Divas. God speed to whomever accepts this endeavor next, because I need to begin a long mental recovery process.
Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Paige – She got sucked into the stupid relationship drama angle, and even though it wasn’t actually resolved, it wasn’t bad enough for me to dislike her more than the rest of the Divas.
2) Alicia Fox – She served no purpose in Season 3 other than to play wingwoman for Paige. Hopefully, she’ll get a chance to do something remotely interesting in Season 4.
3) Brie Bella – Default decent character.
4) Nikki Bella – She gets bonus points for giving us a brief glimpse of what it would look like if this show had been about trying to climb the ladder and not just a bunch of women obsessed with their tits.
5) Cameron – Unfortunately or fortunately, we didn’t get an episode about her music video. What a shame.
6) Eva Marie – A huge step for her in getting the relationship cliffhanger for this season finale. Best of luck to her and her hair extensions line.
7) Rosa Mendes – I hope that this woman figures out her path in life. Because tertiary character who shows her breasts and cooch on a crappy reality series looks terrible on a job application.
8) Nattie – She went through the entire third season as a mean, misguided wife placing the blame everywhere but on herself. In the finale, her role was complaining about her cats and taking bad selfies while Nikki Bella went off to win the belt that Nattie has always believed she deserved. Never have I felt more vindicated in claiming Nattie is the worst than by watching the writers and WWE prove they agree with me.
So long, Total Divas.
