Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and—hopefully—friend. There is a lot to talk about this week’s Impact, so I figure I should warn you right now: This is not the return of Ring Ka King you were looking for. I actually just decided to throw you all a bone when it comes to that headline, really. This is only my second week on the job and I’m already putting out clickbait.
Now for some good housekeeping: You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. And don’t forget to watch Impact on Pop at 8 pm on Thursdays so you can read these pieces and share them with the online world.
Previously: Impact Wrestling was in the United States of America. What a drag!
ACE: What’s India Doing In The Impact Zone?!
Yes, it is cool that Impact Wrestling is in India, and it’s even cooler that it actually taped shows from there. I feel like I should get that point out of the way now, because this show is kind of a mess. A Laurel Van Mess, if you will; and I know Jeremy Borash will, because he says it approximately 50 times during her short match against Rosemary. As we’re constantly reminded this week, these shows make Impact the first American wrestling company to film their shows in India, and whatever their reasons are for doing that, it really is an absolute milestone for the company and professional wrestling.
As for the Indian wrestlers who get focus out of this, Sonjay Dutt and Mahabali Shera, Impact does right by them when it comes to this show. In the case of Shera and the video package they put together for him, there’s just immense joy that comes from watching it. It’s an absolute pleasure to watch Shera as he talks about returning home to India and how he got into professional wrestling because he wanted to be a sports guy like his father and uncle. In fact, it’s such a feel good story that it almost makes you forget how Not Great he actually is in the ring, until he starts doing the pose for his Shera Shuffle, that is. So much could be improved by banning the Shera Shuffle …
And you know what? After 15 years of being called “The Original Playa From The Himalaya”—and not even going full-on Martin with it—Sonjay Dutt actually seems like a Big Deal in the presence of the Indian crowd. Even better, his feud and storyline with Low-Ki and the X-Dvision Championship is something that fully works outside the context of the India aspects, but the cultural connection really takes it all to another level and makes next week’s main event something even more special. Reminder: Visibility and representation really does matter, especially positive visibility and representation.
Of course, the entire soundstage is made up to look exactly like the Impact Zone, so how do we really know they went to India? And those Mumbai Cats? I don’t think they’re actually from Mumbai. This is basically the wrestling equivalent of the moon landing now. Can’t wait for the roster to bring back “India rocks.”
EH: The Fools Who Voiceover
I need to quote a good chunk of the opening voiceover for this week’s Impact, because someone needs to address just how little it actually says:
“As dreamers, we believe that tomorrow brings a bright future. And a new day. The power of now is greater than the promise of tomorrow. Now we can create. We can become. We can achieve. The power of now will allow us to seize the moment of today. If history means anything, the world of Impact Wrestling as we know it is about to change.”
For some reason, the opening voiceover that’s supposed to get us all really excited about Impact in India (and everything else the company will continue to do) is essentially a half-assed midterm paper. I’m honestly surprised they didn’t Joey Tribbiani it, but there’s still time for them to do that next week or the week after that or even at Slammiversary itself. But seriously, while there’s some dramatic music to go with the dramatic voice, please notice just how little is actually being said over all those images of India and the Impact Wrestling crew. “The power of now will allow us to seize the moment of today.” That literally means nothing. And “if history means anything,” it actually spells disaster for Impact Wrestling, because when it comes to history, this company tends to be doomed to repeat it.
Also, in 2017, I believe it’s illegal to call yourself a “dreamer” without bringing up at least one La La Land musical number. For example, I’ve chosen the number that best represents my preparation for weekly viewings of Impact. I didn’t make the rules, I just enforce them.
EH: Fire JB!
Alright, I acknowledge how extreme that is, and no, I don’t really want that to happen. But since this week’s episode canonically shows that Jeremy Borash has a major hand in editing the show, he’s the one I’m pointing the finger of blame at when it comes to all the sloppiness of the social media stuff Impact airs. Because boy is it sloppy.
I obviously have to pay attention to detail, which is how I notice exchanges about diarrhea on the Eli Drake Instagram post that Impact decides to put up, even though I really don’t want to. I’m also pretty sure you’re not supposed to post a picture of your passport stamp online. So, naturally, Impact shows that particular post twice. The same Chelsea Green Instagram post shows up twice as well, even though the first time instantly kind of ruins (and I know that’s harsh) how deeply invested the show typically is when it comes to the current Laurel Van Ness gimmick. And the Davey Richards match has Josh Mathews harping on about how Eddie Edwards is not on this tour… even though all the promotional, pat ourselves on the back material shows that he’s there.
Now, please don’t brand me lady Jim Cornette over this yet. Because it’s not even a problem that Eddie himself has that stuff on his social media (or even if Impact Wrestling has it on theirs), but that’s something that can be kept off the show until he actually makes his appearance. And since the company is smart enough not to feature a bunch of pictures or footage or Rosemary out of make-up, the least they can do with Laurel Van Ness (despite her still using her real name on social media) is have a gimmicked photo at the ready instead of one of her completely out of character. There’s nothing wrong with them showing these social media posts and showing off how hyped their roster is, but is it so much to ask that it at least falls in line with the characters or narrative the commentary is pushing in the same show?
Think about it: Despite last week’s trip to Revenge Island, there’s no harm in Spud doing a mini-video diary of his trip to India, especially since he’s not buddying up with Swoggle in the process. And it makes sense that EC3 would post an Instagram picture about finding a robe, because even if EC3 doesn’t want to be in India, we know exactly what that character would care about when he got to his hotel room.
Even the diarrhea exchange on Eli Drake’s Instagram at least saves itself because of course Eli Drake would comment back about diarrhea. I assume jocks just do that all the time, to be fair. But in that last case, it wouldn’t hurt for Impact to at least blur out the comments, especially since other social media posts they show feature comments calling them “full of shit” or saying they should “change the name from impact to GLOBAL FORCE.” Maybe—just maybe—those shouldn’t make it into the final cut of the show. The same goes for the comment that tells them to remake Team Canada, just without Bobby Roode and Eric Young, of course. Because while those two now work for a company that doesn’t completely vet its on-air live tweets from fans, at least it’s never this bad.
Also, if that means bringing back A-1, then here’s what I have to say to that Team Canada suggestion: Keep it.
EH: Actually, “Fire Josh!”
The actual first segment of the show features Bruce Prichard telling Borash and Mathews that there’s to be no physical contact between the two of them until Slammiversary. The repercussions if either one of them breaks that rule? They’re both fired, no matter what the reason. No, Prichard doesn’t address Joseph Park or Scott Steiner in this, so it looks like there’s your loophole for these next few weeks. But later on in the episode, Mathews tries to convince Borash to hit him, seemingly forgetting that he would also get fired in that instance. So what is the point of any of this is Mathews doesn’t even care enough to keep his job? No, really. What. Is. The. Point?
Then again, I still refuse to accept Bruce Prichard’s authority—especially when he really only exists pimp his podcast on Impact’s time—so maybe Josh Mathews knows that Prichard can’t actually do anything. Jeremy Borah basically books EC3 versus James Storm at Slammiversary just from a throwaway line on commentary (during what is technically an ACE segment), so the rules really don’t matter, do they?
EH: Promotional Consideration Paid For By The Following
This isn’t usually my style, but…According to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, the very raucous crowd for this batch of Impact tapings were actually bought and paid for by Sony SIX, the Indian sports channel Impact is dealing with for these shows. With said scenario, the crowd of non-fans was told who to boo and who to cheer, with the heels coming out one side of the ramp and the babyfaces coming out the other side. If nothing else, the sides of the ramp part of the report obviously ended up being true.
But even with that particular boo/cheer designation, the crowd wasn’t exactly predictable, as things like cheers for Low-Ki (oh how they loved Low-Ki) and EC3 didn’t quite make sense. In fact, in the case of Low-Ki versus Caleb Konley, while Konley would get some cheers—and no outright boos—the degree to which Low-Ki was over with the crowd was terrifyingly impressive. To a point where it couldn’t be possible that the whole crowd was paid for then, right?
However, considering that most of the crowd’s cheers sounded more like ‘90s sitcom oooh-ing than it did actual cheering for a sport or brand of sports entertainment, I think it’s safe to say they were. This oooh-ing I speak of is more commonly known as the sound the studio audience would make whenever Zack Morris kissed a girl (or anything even vaguely “sexy” happened) on Saved By The Bell. You know the sound. Only this crowd would do that for every strike and attempted move, especially in the Low-Ki/Conley and Rosemary/Laurel matches. It’s a sound you don’t exactly hear in professional wrestling, which actually almost turns it all into an ACE for how different it is. So even if you went into this Impact show without the knowledge that it was filled with a crowd of plants, the ooh-ing would be a dead giveaway.
ACE: Keep Your Head On A Swiv — Wait, Nope
Despite the commentary team being Josh Mathews and Jeremy Borash one-on-one, the bickering is actually relatively tame compared to what I’ve calculated to be about 100 years of commentator feuding between the two of them. You know why? Because it’s done on their part with the knowledge that Pope isn’t around to play peacemaker or attempt to pick up the slack as Josh goes wildly off-topic. Then it becomes abundantly clear on the viewing audience’s part that Pope isn’t around to butcher the English language on these shows, and for the first time in a long time, there’s no reason to listen to Impact commentary with your guard fully up. Oh happy day.
Josh even tells a wrestling story from his past — about politicking his way out of a match with Low-Ki—that’s so grounded in reality—unlike his cries about his “X-Division days” or the promises of “the world’s greatest Swanton”—I had to double check that such a thing was even a possibility. And it was, as Josh and Low-Ki both wrestled for Jimmy Hart’s Xcitement Wrestling Federation in the early 2000s. Funny how Josh not doing a character or putting on a strained “Announcer Voice” or adding extra syllables to “Conley” actually works. There’s no gimmick like actual competence. Hmm.
Maybe an ACE: Alberto El Patron Is Snek
When Drunk Uncle Bruce Prichard comes out to… I don’t know, siphon the heat from the Lashley/El Patron segment, he ends up asking both men if they’re willing to defend their titles on the show. Lashley says “anytime,” without hesitation; and while Josh Mathews spends a good portion of the night complaining about Lashley going into a title match blind, even he acknowledges that Lashley has no complaints about this. But the more interesting part of all this is that when El Patron is asked the same question, he clearly shakes his head no. Not that it matters what either man actually has to say, because if acting is reacting, whatever Prichard is doing is not that.
Now, if you remember, Alberto El Patron’s entire debut on Impact Wrestling had him win the title due to shenanigans, followed by Bruce Prichard saying he should want to win it “the right way,” and El Patron basically wanking motioning the entire idea. But he ended up going along with it and returning the championship because Impact’s current committee of old white guys made it so.
So assuming that the main event for Slammiversary doesn’t change—despite what technically constitutes as weekly attempts to ruin anything concrete about it—the Lashley/El Patron match would be the perfect place for a double turn, especially since there’s no reason to even consider Lashley heel anymore. He’s over-confident, but at the same time, he wants elite competition and doesn’t care for someone who’s more concered about making the crowd happy (with flat-out lies about being the only wrestler on the roster to travel the world) than actually winning the championship. He wins his matches clean and he defends his title—which until the Global Force merger was the title and still kind of is—anytime and anyplace. He doesn’t ask for or accept handouts.
At the end of the show, he watches El Patron get pummeled by Eli Drake and Chris Adonis, but he also doesn’t join in on the pummeling, and he doesn’t stop Moose from saving the day. James Storm is right about Lashley’s head being too small for his body, but that’s about it.
ACE: Seeing It I-2-I
Poor Caleb Konley definitely needs a gimmick/character, ASAP. It’s Dutt’s promo after the match that actually kind of explains the reasoning behind him even having an X-Division title match, after all, as he brings up that Low-Ki has simply been going through and defeating the entire X-Division —with the exception of himself. But until Konley starts giving as good as he gets on offense, it makes zero sense why he’s in the ring with Low-Ki and not immediately destroyed. He definitely holds on as long as he can, creating the beautiful parallel in Low-Ki/Dutt by getting Low-Ki to suffer an eye injury too and pretty fighting until he really just can’t anymore and Low-Ki has to hit him with an especially brutal Warrior’s Way.
EH: He’s Got Kids
After last week’s Impact somehow turned Rockstar Spud into a heel against the demented Swoggle, this week’s show doubles down on Swoggle being in the right for his initial hammering of Spud. You see, Swoggle’s got a son, and also he’s a midget (his word). You don’t pull a midget’s pants down—even accidentally—and then you don’t make him bleed his own blood, because he’s got a son. Remember, there were weeks of wheelchair-bound Spud vignettes, but Swoggle had a little blood come out of him and his son apparently doesn’t understand that people get hurt in pro wrestling, so he’s the good guy.
The only highlight from this segment is the line, “You’re 45 years old trying to look like you’re 22,” because no one’s ever going to let Spud live down his tres chic revenge ensemble.
ACE: “Mr. Personality” Davey Richards
Despite the very existence of the hottest crowd possible, besides El Patron’s early “cheerleading” (Lashley’s word after El Patron called them his “Indian friends”), it’s surprisingly Davey Richards who plays to the crowd the most of anyone on this show. If the match were any longer, he probably would’ve faked punching out a crowd member, then given them “two for flinching” or hit them in the testicles with a cricket bat. Again, this is just something I assume jocks do. That and taping nerds’ buns together.
He shouts into the camera, “WHERE YOU AT, EDDIE?,” then he screams to the crowd “LONE WOLF.” And that’s when he’s not bumping like a mad man for the jobber and holding back high fives from the crowd. Baron Corbin should steal literally all of this. (In his case, it would be “WHERE YOU AT, SAMI?” obviously.)
EH: Losing Excellence
I don’t think it was supposed to be so sad, but seeing how many of Impact’s Hall of Famers bailed to go back to WWE (or, in Sting’s case, go there for the first time), it kind of is. I also don’t think a Hall of Fame should be looked at like a stepping stone, but it basically ends up looking like that and a retirement home version of ROH’s “Creating Excellence” bumper.
EH but ACE when out of context: 2 Become 1
You’re not going to get me with that Joseph Park training montage music. You’re just not. Hey, is that the same pool where EC3 and Drew Galloway had their summit?
Fine, I love all of this, but I hate what it’s for.
ACE: Friends Forever
You thought I was only going to make one Saved By The Bell reference? That’s cute. Allie, Rosemary, and Braxton Sutter—the new Zack Attack. Book it.
ACE: You’re Everywhere And Nowhere, LAX!
As we all know, LAX is always in the cut. So is “the cut” now in India? Someone should really inform Hayes and Sean then. Yes, I choose to believe they moved LAX’s headquarters to India specifically for these tapings. I mean, we get confirmation in this segment that Homicide apparently tries to pawn everything—even the tag titles—so the sky’s the limit for LAX and what they do. Also, I understand that Konnan is an LAX exclusive, but oh how people like Sienna and El Patron could use him to explain how they should combine their toy belts with the real Impact belts so they can mean something. Sienna is just stuck carrying her prop around, since Karen Jarrett apparently no longer cares or tries to make her defend it. And El Patron is just thrown into cage matches and blind title defenses with no sense of negotiation in such matters.
Also, since LAX get a segment and are definitely in India, does this mean that Veterans of War aren’t on this tour? You know, because this isn’t America and their schtick only really works in that one country. Though I would love to see the paid crowd cheer for two guys whose entire gimmick is, “Are you from America? Nope? Then get outta the way.”
ACE: The Challenge: Champs vs. ???, Part I
Well that settles that. Last week, I questioned if the Impact Grand Championship format was making Moose regress or at least exposing his weaknesses much more than other matches do. This week, it not only looks like a case of the latter, but we basically get confirmation of one other thing: The Grand Championship match format is just flat out bad. Since its inception, while there have been bright spots occasionally in those matches, the bright spots rarely end up being the winners, and the rigged aspect of the entire concept has always been on full display.
But Moose versus Lashley was on a whole other level from those Grand Championship matches and restored my faith in Moose. As a matter of fact, I found myself hoping at one point that Moose would win (even if he lost in rematch), just so he could find a way out of the Grand Championship division hole.
This match is really just a good, modern hoss fight, with both men—both champions—going at each other full speed, giving each other all they’ve got. Because they both know that that’s the strategy you really have to employ when you’re in the ring against either one of them. They clearly did their homework, which is why it’s so cool when Moose goes after Lashley with Lashley’s own spear out of desperation or when Lashley somehow kicks out of that Go To Hell. It’s a fun match, and I can’t remember the last time I was this invested in either man’s in-ring work. I honestly don’t think I ever have been, actually.
EH: The Challenge: Champs vs. ???, Part II
With both of this show’s World Championship matches, commentary really focuses on how intense the jet lag and time adjustment must be for the Impact Wrestling stars, because that’s something that obviously matters quite a great deal when it comes to performance. However, while those outside forces make the Lashley/Moose match even more impressive, as we watch both men give it their all despite the travel, for the Alberto El Patron/Chris Adonis match, the commentary just serves an excuse for why the match is so slow and plodding. In fact, despite being the main event, the latter match is really only special for finding a way to create the most boring brawl outside the ring (and into the audience) ever.
Last week I called Chris Adonis Eli Drake’s clone, only with the personality removed. This week’s match between Adonis and El Patron appears to argue that’s not the only thing missing, as the quality difference between Drake/El Patron from a few weeks ago and this match is staggering. At least Adonis isn’t KM, but that’s not exactly praise, now is it?
Other than the beatdown and eventual Moose save, there’s no actual reason why this match is the main event over Lashley/Moose. Unless we’re acknowledging that this is a match with two guys who were sort of important in that other, bigger company. (In fact, if you were to switch the matches around, all you’d need is to turn the beatdown into the result of El Patron getting jumped after a stare-off from the ramp.) It’s hard not to think of it in those terms when you look at something like this: Commentary spends the whole match talking about Chris ADONIS and the ADONIS Lock, only for the man himself to finally call for it at the end of the match and yell “MASTER Lock.” Because, remember? That was his whole deal in WWE!
The spot on the card doesn’t make the GFW Global Championship (yes, that’s the redundant official name of the belt) look any more prestigious—a toy from a Happy Meal has better chance at pulling that off — and after El Patron main evented the show last week in a stellar defense of the title, it’s only fair that the actual champion of Impact main event the show this week. Besides, this match is the return of the less-than-motivated El Patron that wrestling fans fear, and even if you can put more blame on Adonis’ snail’s pace movement, it doesn’t excuse it. I’ve never been happier to see El Patron’s corner stomp in a match.
The paid crowd is barely hot for this, and they’re hot for everything on this show.
